BAMF

[ Total Fucking Chaos On The Streets Of San Diego ] – stolen straight from the forums, but with good reason. If you haven’t seen this already, you need to see it. Now.

*Update* – Another auto-tragedy yields comedy.

[ Drug Makes Female Rats Go Cock Crazy ] – apparently scientists are utilizing this drug in a nasal spray form to get the same effect from women.

The female rats flirted more when injected with the drug and Pfaus and his colleagues said: “Females treated with the highest dose of PT-141 also attempted to mount the males.” In rats, this is considered a sign of sexual impatience.

While getting randomly mounted by a fine lady sounds pretty good to me, I still doubt this thing’s effectiveness. The main problem with getting a chick’s juices flowing is whether or not she wants to get in the mood. I can imagine after a few months or so of no sexual energy, a chick with a sexual dysfunction will take the initiative and cram that sucker up her nose. That, or perhaps her poor crying undersexed idiot of a fella can nag her into it.

I think it all boils down to women being like a car. You can get some sort of super-fuel that revs their engine and gets those pistons firing, but some shmuck still has to turn the key.

[ Gyneflex.com ] – Hello ladies. Have urinary incontinence? Vaginal stretching after giving birth? Perhaps you’re just a little loose, little miss popular? Well not any more, baby.

The more your Pelvic Floor Muscles (PFM) are strengthened, the more you and your partner can experience the joys of sex together. The GyneFlexTM Vaginal Tightening Program can give you a more powerful grip, better control and the results benefit both partners. By squeezing your PFM against GyneFlex’s flex resistance, you not only re-educate your neuro-muscular wiring and gain control of vaginal contractions; you also stimulate muscle development. The clenching-releasing vaginal exercises against resistance can lead to amazing strength and endurance.

“Me and my husband noticed a difference after only using it for 2 days.” – Vanessa

Do you kind of feel cheated by the whole sex thing in general? They didn’t tell us about shit like this when we were thirteen, fellas. Back then it was basically two things: don’t get a disease and try not to knock her up. They didn’t mention stuff like PMS, menstral cramps, or vaginal weakening. Don’t get me wrong, these things don’t particularly bother me now, but a heads up would have been nice. Then again, I went to a Christian school where they told me you could catch AIDS by holding hands with an infected homosexual, so you can see how it took a little character to come out (somewhat) normal.

BTW, does anyone else get a chuckle out of the fact that they’re essentially selling a $40 plastic coat hanger in the shape of a wang?

You know who needs a better fucking agent? Katherine Heigl, that’s who. I was just discussing her with Billy Ray and Bolt over the weekend, and I remembered back to a day when she was probably 14 or 15 and I just knew she was going to grow up to be a smoking hottie. And I was right. Goddammit I was right. But look at her career post-“Roswell”. You know where it is? I’m going to give you a hint: it stinks like ass, is pale white, and it eats shit for a living. And no, it’s not Fiona Apple.

She’s going to be in the made-for-TV sequel to Romy & Michelle’s High School Reunion. Tell me she doesn’t need a new agent, and keep a straight face. You’d have to be a cremated corpse to lie like that, you bastard.

[ Gmail Tips ] – if you’re one of the billions of people that seem to be getting in on the greatness of Gmail, this should help you out a bit.

One simple request: don’t fuck the place up while I’m in Vegas, and you can’t even do that. Just wait until your father gets home, young man.

I’m telling you, sleep deprivation, vicodin, and booze do not help you succeed in gambling. It does, however, make you remarkably indifferent towards said goal. Apologies for the outage the last couple of days. I can’t wait until we’re off this ancient perl scripting.

It’s good to see that the resident Cherry slice is still doing fairly well. Christina Applegate is going to be in Anchorman with Will-kicks-fucking-ass-Farrell, which looks like its going to be hilarious.

Well kids, I’m heading off to Vegas in about 45 minutes. Try not to fuck the place up while I’m gone.

[ Judge Suspected Of Masturbating In Court ] – for those of you who didn’t see this yesterday, it gets much better.

“On one occasion, Ms. (Lisa) Foster (Thompson’s court reporter for 15 years), saw Judge Thompson holding his penis up and shaving underneath it with a disposable razor while on the bench,” the petition reads.

Several witnesses, including jurors in Thompson’s court and police officers called to testify in trials, said in the petition they heard the “swooshing” sound of a penis pump during trials and saw the judge slumped in his chair, with his elbows on his knees, working the device. The witnesses said the pump sounded like a blood pressure cuff being pumped up.

Alright, we’re gonna have to tread pretty carefully around this story. It’s like a pun minefield. Hold my hand, we’ll try to make our way out of here together.

Do you think his dissatisfaction with his “size” made him a little hard on the defendants?

…God dammit.

Keira Knightley is going to be in King Arthur, which is probably going to be a $100 million experiment in just how much suck Jerry Bruckheimer can convince the director to shove into an hour and thirty minutes of your life, and still get you to pay for it. I’m guessing just slightly more than Kangaroo Jack, what do you think?

…

…

What was I talking about?

[ It was bound to happen sooner or later ]