Category: News

So I was driving down the street just a few minutes ago, windows rolled down because its so fucking hot out right now. I cruise up inbetween a little white car and some overly rank sanitation truck.

I look to the right, and the white car is filled with hotties. The driver sees me, I give a slight nod of acknowledgement. The girls in the back look over and smile. It’s a good California day, you know? Then the light turns green, I start to drive up to my turn, and I check over to the right. The driver and the side passenger are looking. So I’m about to flash them a smile when my left arm starts to give a funny tingle. I turn it over and I kid you not, the biggest fucking bee thing I’ve ever seen is now resting on my forearm.

“GAAAAAAAH!” I yelped, as I threw the thing out the window and simultaneously slammed on the clutch, making an excellent rev. I immediately realized my complete lack of slickness, while I batted at the somehow newly returned bee thing, which was now settling in my hair. After I tried to calmly brush him off my head (to save face, naturally) I looked back to the right to see the girls chuckling.

Thanks bee, for the humility.

[ Tree Fiendishly Murders Environmentalist ]

TULSA – Blake Champlin, a Tulsa lawyer and environmental activist, died Monday at his home when a tree supporting a hammock fell and crushed him.

Champlin, 45, died instantly, said Gerald Hilsher, an attorney with Shipley & Kellogg, Champlin’s former law firm.

All right, you know the drill. Start your captioning….. NOW! I’ll start.

The tree just wanted to hug him back.
     or…
If a tree falls on a hippy, and there’s nobody around, does he make a sound?

Ouch. (stolen directly from IMDB)

Hollywood actor Benjamin Bratt suffered the ultimate embarrassment when he agreed to surprise a fan on Oprah Winfrey’s chat show – she had no idea who he was. Bratt was initially happy to go along with making his alleged admirer’s day, but once the two met he quickly learned that a big mistake had been made somewhere along the line. He recalls, “There was the story of an aunt who had written in to the show saying that her niece is a huge Benjamin Bratt fan and she was disappointed because she couldn’t get tickets for the show. So the producers of the show wanted to surprise her. They called her down to a spa in downtown Chicago and they told her that she was going to be the recipient of a massage and a facial, etc. Well, the gag was for me to show up with a bouquet of flowers and walk out to the lobby where she was sitting and say, as I did, ‘Hi, I’m Benjamin Bratt, I’m going to be your masseur for the day!’ She just looked up at me and went, ‘Okay…’ She had no idea who I was! The aunt got the niece to show up at the spa and she had no idea who I was, so needless to say, it was footage that was completely unusable. It was incredibly humbling.”

Yeah. That’s gotta sting the old ego a bit.

…right up until he goes back to banging Talisa Soto on the huge pile of money that he got for being in Catwoman while remembering how good Julia Roberts was at mouthifying his business. He’s hurting alright. Bastard.

All of the excellent credit for this story goes to Killbot. No sharing for him.

ROGERSVILLE, Tennessee (AP) — The party’s over for four inmates accused of going on a beer run after the jail’s doors were accidentally left unlocked.

Two of the inmates walked out through a fire exit, leaving the door propped open with a Bible, and made a hole in the exercise yard fence. They walked to a market, bought some beer and returned to the jail to share it with other prisoners. When the booze ran out, the other two inmates made another beer run to a different store.

The store visits did not raise alarm because the inmates were wearing street clothes borrowed from other prisoners. The crowded jail does not have enough orange jumpsuits to go around.

That last line is classic. Really sums up the glory of Tennessee when a county jail can’t afford orange jumpsuits, let alone competent workers.

Bolt and Longtime sent this to me at the same time, so I have decided like wise King Solomon to slice the credit in two, so that they might share it equally.

…no objections? Well, I guess the credit never truly belonged to either of you.

And now on to the main event.

MARYVILLE, Tenn. (AP) – A man was arrested on his 23rd birthday after a police officer saw him nude and covered with nacho cheese from a pool snack bar.

An officer saw a nude man carrying a box of Frito Lay snacks and a container of nacho cheese run toward a Jeep in the lot and stopped him.

“The male had nacho cheese in his hair, on his face and on his shoulders,” Maryville Police Department officer Scott Spicer reported. “The nude male had a strong odor of alcohol and was semi-incoherent.”

This story is damn near perfect. The only thing that could have possibly made it better would be the addition of an “It’s Na-Cho Cheese!” joke. …maybe throw in a couple of titties.

I wish my 23rd birthday had been nearly that cool. All I wanted was to wrassle naked in some pudding, but noooo. My ex had to have “intimacy” issues. As in, issues with getting pudding in intimate places.

*ahem*

Longtime just sent me a story which… really just defies all common sense. And it made my business hurt a little bit just reading about it.

A Romanian surgeon who underwent a fit of madness while operating on a man’s testicles proceeded to amputate his penis and cut it into three pieces.

Doctor Ciomu had been banned from entering an operating theatre for two months pending the results of an investigation by the medical council, Oprescu said.

Meanwhile the wife of the unfortunate patient said she was suing Dr. Ciomu.

I sincerely hope that the two month suspension is just procedural nonsense on the road to getting this man committed, or thrown in jail, or anything fitting the crime of mutilating another man’s reason to live.

I like that the wife is doing all of the suing, btw. Its almost as if she’s saying “God dammit, I needed that! Where the Hell am I gonna find another one?” Meanwhile her poor husband’s still got his balls (as much as a married man can) but no conduit. I smell serious litigation, a quick divorce, serious alimony settlements, and a noose in his future.

Wait a minute… Mexico has computers?

Mexico’s attorney general said on Monday he had had a microchip inserted under the skin of one of his arms to give him access to a new crime database and also enable him to be traced if he is ever abducted.

Attorney General Rafael Macedo said a number of his staff had also been fitted with chips that will give them exclusive and secure access to a national, computerized database for crime investigators that went live on Monday.

“It’s an area of high security, it’s necessary that we have access to this, through a chip, which what’s more is unremovable,” Macedo told reporters.

Now that we’ve got the obligatory “Jay Leno” joke out of the way, I’d like to point out this fellow’s usage of the word “unremovable.” Other than his poor sentence structure, this is quite a lie. See, now that he’s told kidnappers (or at least, kidnappers who can read) that the chip is in his arms, you pretty much have to lop his arms off. I mean, they were probably going to chop off his little finger as a message anyway, this just ups the ante a little bit.

Games games games. They do so make me happy. And I’m quite pleased with the latest GTA: San Andreas screenshots, especially since they show the Eazy-E looking motherfucker in the back seat. And now that they’re touting the game to be about 150 hours to full completion, it’s beginning to sound a lot like a happy birthday for me this October.

I have been wondering about one thing though. With the current gangsta theme of the game (a slight departure from the Goodfellas theme of the previous two) I ponder how a bunch of crackers like the Rockstar team can churn out a game like this without stirring up ten times the hornets nest that GTA:VC did. We had Italians coming out in droves in protest over that game, but who the fuck ever cared if Italians were discriminated against? I would imagine that Rockstar had to hire on some “urban consultants” to help in the pimpification of this game. Has there been any word on the soundtrack for this game yet? If they took a note from the success of Vice City and did a full on 90’s gangsta rap compilation, I think it’d sell many more copies than… I dunno, whatever the fuck rap music sounds like these days.

So I guess it’s official, Martha Stewart is going to serve five months in prison for her part in the ImClone debacle. Now the question on everyone’s mind is whether or not she’ll parlay this into a book describing her experiences in the pokey, as well as a cell-decorating guide.

Martha Stewart was sentenced to five months in prison and fined $30,000 Friday for lying to investigators about her sale of ImClone Systems stock in late 2001.

Federal Judge Miriam Cedarbaum also ordered Stewart to five months of home confinement and two years of supervised probation after she is released. It was the minimum sentence the judge could impose under federal sentencing guidelines.

“I’ll be back,” Stewart declared.

She also appealed to people to subscribe to her magazine and buy her products.

While I empathize with the fact that she’s been made an example of, this is pretty much just a slap on the wrist. She was looking at 3 years, and got five months. The judge took it easy on her because of her public disgrace, and the damage that has been done to her business. But considering that this is Martha Stewart, I highly doubt that she’ll stay down for long. She’ll probably come out of her five months all ripped from pumping iron, and beat her competition with her fists of decadent fury.

Then comes her next book: Martha Stewart’s Home Confinement Living.

So Tink took that last post to heart and sent me a voice mail from Hilary. I hung up on it. I told him that sending me a voice mail message from Hilary Duff means that he is no longer a heterosexual. He’s now watching David Hasselhoff videos to help him on his journey away from liking the opposite sex.

Alright, the Star Trek Droolfest is something that Jen sent to me and I felt funny enough to pass along to you. I’m trying to think of more things to link here, and I’m at a loss. I thought about that Ninj0r page because of the discussion about the Deadly Ninja Throwing Heart, but I think I’m sick of doing html now so this is it.