Author: Sharkey

Mysterious “next-gen” screen shots from the CFO of EA. Odd. I’m happy that the money honcho over there decided to share some technical shit with us.

Anyway, while they do seem to be pre-rendered, they are still pretty impressive. Frankly, I’m kind of afraid for the bland array of games we’ll get with the next batch of next-gen systems. For sports games and whatnot, it’s fine. But I’ve never been a supporter of the idea that more realistic = more fun.

Unless its porn. I should have specified that.

Alright, alright. I’m sure you’ve all heard about Childs Play Charity, and what the Penny-Arcade guys are doing for the kids in the hospitals. So with that out of the way, let’s break down what we’re doing in the forums to help out.

OK, so BAMF has made a contribution to Child’s Play, thanks in totality to the generosity of readers like yourselves. However, I know that some of you have been holding off on donating to them, or to BAMF, or both. Whatever. For this month, they’re going to be the same thing.

Every bit of cash we get through the forums (donations, subscriptions, etc) until Christmas is going straight to Child’s Play.

If you want to buy access, now is the time. Your money will be going to an amazingly good cause. And from now until Christmas, I’ve lowered the cost of registration to $5.00, to encourage you all to help out the charity. If you feel like donating more, go ahead. I included another box on the right, where you can donate whatever you want, and as long as its over the five bucks, you get access.

Just to help all of you bastards out, I’m allowing snail-mail donations. Make the checks out to BAMF Productions, and send them in to:

BAMF Productions
10965 Alderman
Tustin, CA
92782

This is only gonna last until Christmas, kiddies. So if you want to help out, get on it now.

Now, as a special added incentive:

If you all raise another $500 bucks for Childs Play (which means 100 of you have to sign up) I will make with the greatest alliteration of all:

No Newbie New Year

If you guys reach the $500 mark from now until Christmas, I will turn off new user registration for all of January. We’ll ring in the new year with joyous silence of new voices.

Now, for a few ground rules:

1. Yes, I’m serious. This is what we are doing.
2. Plug other charities all you like, but don’t be bashing Childs Play or saying where the money ‘should’ be going, because frankly, I don’t care. To me, this is one of the more worthy causes, and that’s what we’re doing.
3. I uh… yeah I guess thats it.

So anyway, good karma all around. Let’s see what we can do.

Merry Christmas, brothers in Jesus (or for Eyeke, John Smith)

So, if you’re looking to help out, register yourself a nice forum account and then go through the access page to donate. Or, if you don’t give a crap about signing up for the forums, why not just go ahead and donate straight to Childs Play?

Alright, enough of this human decency. It makes me itchy. Time to go lust after some women in the pie forum and slap around a few kittens.

Perhaps, my little web lover, you have already heard about Infinium Labs being sued by their former financial backer. Perhaps, sweet-cheeks, you have also discussed at length the fact that Infinium’s Phantom is the Star Wars: Episode I of game consoles: an eternity in the making, wholly disappointing, and it has a complete fucking idiot at the helm. Perhaps, my most precious of preciouses, you have even touched the Phantom, leaving you with no need of my razor-sharp wit or stinging commentary. But I pose this question to you… can you possibly withstand the fury of the Screech Bird?

Yeah. Didn’t think so.

One of the hottest asian chicks on the planet, Zhang Ziyi (or Ziyi Zhang, depending on who’s asking) has a new flick coming out today called House of Flying Daggers, in which she plays a blind chick setting out to avenge her father’s death. Not that it really matters. All you have to do is set up two spinner boards with “main character’s problem” and “main character’s reason for revenge” and you can shit out a plausible Hong Kong artsy-fartsy kung-fu flick in a matter of minutes, and assholes like me will eat it up.

Somebody please get this girl some acting work in a few “Hollywood” flicks, as opposed to the artsy Hong Kong business? I’d rather get her started over here quickly, so that she can become money hungry and do nudies prior to her eventual wrinkling in all the wrong places.

…

*wonders where the “right places” for wrinkles are*

Oh! Right, I’m an idiot.

OK, either everyone told me about this, and my alcoholic haze has left my memory riddled with giant holes OR… you all have failed. Failed to bring me (goddamn Bolt had to tell me) the best fucking news I’ve heard of in eons: It’s Karate Kid The Musical, bitch!

Honor. Friendship. Fisting.

IT’S KARATE, KID! The Musical is an outrageous and unconventional riff on the beloved ’80s film. Under the manicured guiding hand of a mysticalmaintenance man, Daniel-San Larusso wages war against pill-popping, white trash deviants; well-styled, bloodthirsty karate students; rampaging hormones and many more “unsavory things.”

Featuring 20 ferocious new songs, including “Wax On! Wax Off!,” “‘A’ My Name is Ali” and “We are the Bitchkicks,” this KID chops through an orgy of drug-fueled excess and sexual perversion to win the gold!

I like that upon seeing the picture to your right a minute ago, one of my gay friends quipped “So they’re making Daniel a gay character now?”

Silly homosexuals, thinking everything revolves around their world. …except he might be right in this case, I’m gonna have to look into that one. In the meantime, I’m looking into flight tickets to New York. If you live in or around NY, I seriously suggest (with an iron fucking fist) that you go see this, so that its popularity meter shoots through the roof, forcing them to open in LA a few months from now.

I swear, if I’m not watching Daniel-san wax-on-wax-off in California sometime soon, I’m holding you personally responsible.

Anybody catch even a few minutes of that Jessica Simpson (just updated the gallery, btw) Christmas special (note that I don’t mention whatshisface) last night? I was randomly flipping around, and I catch a glimpse of her. So I stop for a second (naturally) and she’s doing some lame-ass skit where she sticks her tongue out and gets it stuck to a light pole. Then Nick comes out and starts chastizing her, because he warned her not to “lick” the “pole”.

…get it? Because he doesn’t ever get her to… to lick his… it’s funny. It’s funny because…

Yeah. That’s where I changed the channel. I liked that they kept the “Santa” facade going for the kids, but talking about tongues and poles is appropriate. Honestly, Sonny and Cher used to pull shitty skits like this, and look at what God did to Sonny. Take a lesson from his sacrifice, you heathens!

Tomorrow is the big day that the new Natalie Portman flick Closer hits theaters, sans gratuitous nude scenes. Thank you very much, director Mike Nichols. Your razorblade and hydrogen peroxide enema is on its way.

Seriously, when they decide to put this flick out on DVD, they will be faced with the ultimate in “will we or won’t we” dilemmas. On the one hand, the director is a douchebag who doesn’t want the nude scenes to hit the public. Fine. On the other hand, you’ve got the studio looking at a whopping few million extra DVD sales from perverts (ie: you and I) who want to see Natalie’s glory revealed on our televisions.

In my experience, the ones with the money win in the end. Sadly, in this case, Nichols is one of the producers, so we might not get to see Natalie’s box in the end. Hopefully some studio lackeys with a hard-on for disobedience decide to steal some cutting-room-floor excellence and release it on the web. As always, I’ll be ready to receive this bounty should it ever feel the need to grace my needy eyes.

Oh sweet merciful crap.

A four-letter term that came to symbolize the difference between old and new media during this year’s presidential campaign tops U.S. dictionary publisher Merriam-Webster’s list of the 10 words of the year.

Merriam-Webster Inc. said on Tuesday that blog, defined as “a Web site that contains an online personal journal with reflections, comments and often hyperlinks,” was one of the most looked-up words on its Internet sites this year.

*makes hand jerkoff motion*

It’s a sad fucking day in American culture when the number one word for the goddamned year is “blog.” Only in a society this fucking retarded do we all sit around and give validity to people who have nothing better to do than sit around all day writing about shit that nobody cares about.

*looks around*

Shut up.

I noticed the other day that sweet little Leah Remini is getting older, and that saddens me. Seems like just yesterday she was the new undiscovered object of lust to hit the scene. Frankly I think there are only two reasons for “King Of Queens” to keep on rolling, and they’re both strapped to Leah’s chest. Observe:

I still remember her as the bitchy chick from “Saved By The Bell”, like about a million other dudes who hate admitting that they loved that show.

**UPDATE** I set the future time for this post to be 2005. Whoops. Now you can enjoy two slices in a day, how fun for you.

Thinkin’ about buying one of these for my impending euro trip. I’m looking for something small, good output, and not obscenely expensive. This sucker’s about $350 at Best Buy right now. Any thoughts, suggestions?