Author: Sharkey

KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!

Needless to say, Kelly Osbourne has seen better days.

What kind of parents must you be for your 16-year-old son to misinterpret you screwing your wife as abuse? Not only that, but abuse horrifying enough to put a bullet in you?

“During the course of love making, the wife was evidently being somewhat loud … loud enough to where it woke the children up,” Harris County Sheriff’s Department Sgt. Mike Smith told Local 2.

“The children interpreted the noise as their mother being in danger,” Smith said. “The 11-year-old went into the room, forcibly went into the room, to protect his mother. (The child) observed his parents making love and got the 16-year-old. The 16-year-old came back in and fired the shot.”

Officials said the children feared their mother was being hurt due to their father’s previous convictions for abuse and that is the reason the oldest son shot his father.

OK, something else is going on here. I’m guessing that we’ve got four possible explanations for these shenanigans:

1. He’s a 16-year-old with no idea what sex is, or what it looks like. He’s never seen porn, never imagined what he could do with his wang, and never touched himself. So yeah, this theory is pretty much out the window.
2. The kid spent a lot of time at Neverland Ranch as a child.
3. The mom is into some really messed up pillow talk.
4. The kid is retarded.
5. The sex was really dirty. Like my kind of dirty.
6. Surprise anal. See above.
7. Midgets.
8. I can’t count, and I refuse to learn.

I’m guessing a little bit of #3 and #5, with a hint of #4.

You will notice, my new best friend, the lack of posts recently. Or to be more specific, the lack of quality posts recently. I’ve been really busy at work, which has led to a dramatic delay in the server move. It looks like we’ll be able to move tonight, after I clean up the forums a bit. I don’t feel like doing a MySQL export of about 400 Megs again.

After that, new pie poster, new articles system, and hopefully all of the videos (OTP included) will be back online. I know, exciting.

We rejoin our hero at dinner on Sunday night, four double-scotches into the evening:

Waitress: “Would you like to see our coffee menu, perhaps see some tasty dessert type drinks?”
Me: “Sure. What can you show me in a dessert scotch?”
Waitress: “Hahaha! You’re really funny.”
*waitress walks away*
Me: “WAIT, SHIT! I WASN’T JOKING!”

I really wasn’t.

[ Resignation at CNN Shows the Growing Influence of Blogs ]

…

I feel so much better after reading that sentence. It reminds me of that episode of “Ren n’ Stimpy” where Stimpy built the happy helmet to suppress Ren’s anger. Then in the end, Ren realizes that he’s happiest when he’s enraged. A valuable lesson to us all, indeed. That’s what I get out of this story, because it makes me want to stab every shitkicking high-and-mighty blogger right in their fucking corneas with a rusty gardening tool. And it makes me happy to feel this way. Rage is my valentine this year, and I’m taking her to a fancy dinner.

Hey. You.

Happy money = sex day. Go spend some money on an insecure woman and make akward love to her in a cheap (but not the cheapest) motel room. Or, make akward love to yourself in a pay toilet, and pretend you’re in the cheapest motel room in town.

So tomorrow is Bolt’s birthday, and he requested his top five list as the SOTD for the weekend. Since the list changes all the time, I’ll just start with two whom I know to be on it. Scarlett Johansson and Emmanuelle Chriqui.

 

New pics, updates to follow. Happy birthday, you stupid bastard.

It’s rare when you can warrant a link around here based on the dead-on appropriateness of an article’s title, but Sears Portrait Studio Presents: Britney & Kevin’s Wedding over at Gawker achieves just that.

Oh sweet Britney Spears, what a catch you’ve landed. The man doesn’t even feel the need to shave for the wedding. That’s how you know its forever. That, and God’s law, sinners.

I guess Eva Mendez is going to be in this flick Hitch, which is supposed to give hope to fat, hopeless people like that “King of Queens” fucker. And you all know how much I loathe and despise hope.

Yeah, I know her name is misspelled. You should know by now that I don’t care.

I started downloading a torrent of the entirety of “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” about a week ago. I wanted to see Soccer Claus right the fuck away. And now, a week later, I’m at this point:

7 days down, 96% downloaded, 20 some-odd days to go. Piracy is awesome.