On this fine showery So. Cal afternoon, it occurs to me that many of you struggle through life not knowing the secrets of true inner contentment. Let me take a moment to impart to you the wisdom that I have attained through constant *meditation.
True inner contentment cannot be obtained through a delicious sammitch alone. True, the delicious freshly cut roast beef and tasty cheeses amidst a perfect mix of your favorite condiments, such as spicy/sweet mustard and a thin layer of mayo, can bring much contentment. However, this sandwich alone does not bring you the true inner zen that can only be obtained through a mastery of these elements, and a fierce commitment to the ultimate comedic sense of timing. Let me explain.
Your pal Sharkey goes to the store to pick up a pound of roast beef, a pound of honey turkey (on sale for $5.99 with Ralphs Club), and a half pound of provolone cheese. True, these elements, when combined through a mastery of sandwich creation, can bring temporary happiness and a slight paunch to the gut. However, it takes a creative mind and timing to bring these elements into a brand of art form that you, perhaps, had not considered. Such as ten minutes ago, when I drove past a not-quite-attractive female with a “Fur Is Murder” bumper sticker and a license plate frame advocating veganism. Most would not notice the opportunity for true contenment just cock-slapping them in the face, but those with the knowledge and skill can easily realize the gravity of the situation. True inner contentment was achieved the instant that this young vegan woman looked in my direction, and noticed me sliding long strips of red roast beef down my awaiting gullet. True zen is obtained the moment you make another person’s face contort in complete shock and revulsion.
Next week: how to bake those cookies with the carmel stuff in the middle. See you then.
(*Meditation being a mixture of porn surfing and videogame mastery)
Sharkey is my hero.That is all.