Your Daily Hilton Update

Why celebrities have to be so fascinating, and you so boring, I will never understand. But until the day where I can write about your life of working at Wal-Mart and eating Top Ramen® in your underpants and feel satisfied, I will continue to do things this way. Besides, the Hilton sisters are an unstoppable force of hilarity, and you cannot stop them. I could though… but I won’t.

So. It seems that the pair of tits who magically brought the Black Eyed Peas into the limelight has been inundated with phone calls recently. Poor little Fergie, her phone number was one of the hundreds stored in Paris Hilton’s Sidekick.

Calling it a “quite a nightmare,” Fergie — like many of Hilton’s friends in this situation — is planning on changing all of her phone numbers. After that, she has one more item on her to-do list: “I am going to kill Paris Hilton.”

Aww. But Fergie, if you kill Paris, she’ll never get to do the sequel to her popular amatuer video! I heard they were going to call it Two Knights In Paris. *rimshot*

Oh. And Paris, get your sister Nicky the number of your publicist. Her image could use some well-timed nudity.