What Do I Do? Oh, I Own This Podunk Town Up North…

Apparently there’s a little shithole just up North of me that is quite interested in selling itself… on eBay, no less. Pretty Goddamn amazing when you consider that the seller only has experience eBaying fine tea sets and antique lamps. Perhaps they’re just selling the town piece by piece, before the big sale.

If you ask me, and you know you were going to, this might actually be a profitable venture. Think of the possibilities of owning an entire town. For one thing, the ability to forgo any zoning permissions and fire permits would be an amazing opportunity for any Hollywood studio. Imagine if they could blow the whole fucking place up for minimal costs! No cgi necessary for blowing shit up, just grab some dynamite and send our shitty little town to Valhalla! Imagine not having to pay those damned Korean animators to napalm a poorly rendered cgi town. Just grab a few teamsters and some kegs of napalm and you can turn this peaceful little rustic town into Arnold Schwarzenegger’s next pile of post-battle rubble! They’ve apparently just built a new bridge. Let’s blow the motherfucker to pieces, shall we? I know Bay and Bruckheimer would be down for this. Blowing up unneccessary shit is their motto only second to “put a colored lens on fucking everything”.

Let’s pool some cash together. I say we all invest, and put this town to good use. If the studios don’t want it, we can always use the place to train the simian whordes, or i dunno, raise future Playboy bunnies. If about a million and a half of us donate 1 dollar, we can all get in on a piece of the action. Imagine if the town made 40 million from letting different studios, or just pyromaniacs, burn parts of the place to cinders? We’d all make like, 40 bucks! Plus, we’d have a barbershop to throw bitchin’ keggers! So pledge your money today, it’ll go to good use:

Disclaimer: If the necessary funds are not acquired, all money appropriated to the BAMFs Buy And Blow Up Bridgeville Fund will be immediately reappropriated to the Get Sharkey Drunker Than Shit Fund, and all rights of ownership to said funds will be forfeit. God bless.