*Sigh* Stupid friends. They’re always there when you need their help the most, and when society needs their help the least.
YACOLT, Wash. – Matt George, 21, showing off for friends by kissing his new rattlesnake was bitten on the lip and nearly died. ”I said, ‘OK, man, you’re being stupid, put it away,’ ” recalled Jim Roban. ”He said, ‘It’s OK. I do it all the time.’ ” After the second kiss, the snake bit George under his mustache. He dropped the snake on the kitchen floor, and Roban killed it with his cowboy boot. As they waited for an ambulance, George’s face swelled. ”He said, ‘I’m going to die,”’ Roban said. ”I said, ‘No, you’re not going to die, just calm down and relax.’ ” George was hospitalized in critical condition after the incident Sunday. By Tuesday, his condition had been upgraded to serious.
Had it not been for the quick thinkin’ and swift boot stompin’ of Mr. Roban, George might have died that fateful day. So I take this opportunity to say from all of us: Damn you Roban, you’ll pay for this. Seriously, Darwinism was running it’s natural course of donkey punching him off this mortal coil, and you saunter on in and fuck everything up. It’s not like anyone would have missed him, George’s track record for “kissin’ critters” has not been very illustrious. Take a look for yourself:
Right. Exhibit A provides evidence of idiocy, let’s move on to Exhibit B:
You’d think that one would’ve ended his tenure as a living hunk of carbon, but oddly enough this was the kiss that turned hardened Iron Mike into a man more docile than the SnuggleSoft Bear. And on that note, I bring you the final piece of evidence, which is completely non work safe. You know you want to look, sinner.
Since I’ve completely lost sight of where I was going with this post, either from the glue running through my sinuses or the caffeine running through my veins, I bid you a good evening.
