“Tonto” Was Apache For “Lover Of White Meat”

It’s official, the comic industry is in big fucking trouble. Bolt Boy was going to do a series of interviews with comic creators a few years ago regarding the state of the industry, but he was too Goddamn lazy to do it, and I was actually too lazy to post it for him. Go figure. But in his various chats that he had due to his job at a comic shop at the time, he found that a lot of mainstream creators thought that the industry was in great shape. Apparently mainstream comic creators are complete fuckwits, because at the time, comic shops across the nation were running to invest in fire insurance and lighter fluid, due to lagging sales. Since I’ve been out of it for the past year or so, I can only imagine that things are continually getting worse, since they did have that “Free Comic Day” (ie: please take this shit off our hands day) and more spinoff books than Oprah has weight fluxuations.

I had hopes, but it seems that the comics industry has decided to start clutching at straws, as Marvel reintroduces The Rawhide Kid as the first gay title character in a comic book.

The Rawhide Kid has been a Marvel character since the 1950s both as a main and a secondary character. However, it was not until Zimmerman approached Marvel with his idea of a homosexual Rawhide Kid that sexuality was mentioned in the discussion of the character.

In a bubble in the first edition of the series, Rawhide Kid comments about the Lone Ranger: “I think that mask and the powder blue outfit are fantastic. I can certainly see why the Indian follows him around.”

Brian Reinert, Marvel’s public relations officer, said that Marvel has always been “interested in tapping into stories that are relevant today.” He expects the reactions to this comic to vary.

Just in case you don’t speak PR, allow me to translate. When they say that they are “interested in tapping into stories that are relevant today” they literally mean “We’ll make the Hulk a fucking ballerina that screws poodles if you’ll buy the Goddamn book! Please buy one!”

You have to understand that I have nothing against gay comic book characters. In fact, those of you with comic knowledge will be wondering why he’s considered a breakout character in the face of other homosexual superheroes such as Northstar. Or, if you actually got laid in high school, you’re probably wondering “What the fuck are you talking about, nerd?” Settle down Bruno, I’m in your boat, I’ve been playing that field since before the average BAMF reader got his first pube, so forgive my nerdly extracurricular activities. Besides, if you hide them in a closet you can tell your girlfriend that they’re the pornos you no longer need because you have her in your life. Hooray for lies and double damned lies!

Anyway, I think I was headed for a point here somewhere, but more than likely I was going to rag on the desperation of the comics industry for trying to introduce gay superheroes on a reader base consisting mainly of fat, undersexed teenagers. So there, I’ve accomplished my job. Your job for the day is to figure out a better caption than I did for the above picture. Use the comments script kids, it won’t bite.