This Post Burns One’s Self The Brains

No, that’s not a chunk of Engrish, and it’s certainly not a AYBABTU quote. It’s actually a piece of text from a remarkable Portugese-English phrasebook entitled “English As She is Spoke”. I’m quite sure that I’ll be temporarily replacing Orion as King Of Old News with this one, but those of you in the dark regarding this delightfully retarded piece of literary history will thank me. Especially once you check out excerpts from the book. If I haven’t convinced you, here’s a bit from Yahoo about the delicious nature of this book.

In 1855, Jose da Fonseca and Pedro Carolino sat down to write an English phrasebook for Portuguese students. There was just one problem: they didn’t know English. Even worse, they didn’t own an English-to-Portuguese dictionary. What they did have, though, was a Portuguese-to-French dictionary and a French-to-English dictionary. Perhaps the worst foreign phrasebook ever written, the resulting linguistic train wreck was first published in 1855 and became a classic of unintentional humor. Armed with Fonseca and Carolino’s guide, a Portuguese traveler could complain about his writing implements (“This pen are good for notting”), insult a barber (“What news tell me? all hairs dresser are newsmonger”), complain about the orchestra (“It is a noise which to cleave the head”), go hunting (“Let aim it! let make fire him!”), and consult a handy selection of truly mystifying Idiotisms and Proverbs (“Nothing some money nothing of Swiss.”) Mark Twain, prefacing an American edition, marveled of its “miraculous stupidities” that “Nobody can add to the absurdity of this book, nobody can imitate it successfully, nobody can hope to produce its fellow; it is perfect.”

First person to find me a cheap, available copy of the book gets uh… I dunno, a free custom title/pie forum access or a plug or something. Or I might even publicly berate your stupidity right here, absolutely free. And as a bonus, we’ll send you an 8×10 of your ascii-based verbal flogging, suitable for framing. Won’t Mom be proud?