The Importance Of Being Earnest Sharkey

That tagline isn’t some sort of egotistical bullshit, it’s just something that ran through my grey matter in a drunkened stupor on this fine Friday evening. Although since most of my drunkened stupors involve egotistical delusions of grandeur, I may have just contradicted myself. No matter, I only logged on to let off a little creative steam, so bear with me. It’s going to get bumpy.

First off, I did not get my Wacom tablet the other day. I fear that Frys has once again broken my heart and slept with my best friend behind my back. Once I got home, however, buyer’s lust wore off and my knack for blatently cheap consumerism kicked back into gear. I logged onto eBay, and found the 6×8 Intuos 2 tablet for 80 bucks less than Fry’s had it. That’s a mere 80 bucks higher than the 4×5 version that I was going to buy, but what the fuck, if debt calls me, I come running with firecrackers Goddammit! If Paypal stops being a dick about its confirmed address bullshit, it should be here in a week. In the meantime I will make due with my deliciously sweet Logitech Elite Cordless Duo keyboard/mouse combo. Hot diggetty damn, I can surf for porn from my bed again! … I mean… I can post and do businesslike tasks from my bed again… with my pants off.

Moving right along, I have this problem. On the way back to Orange County from Palm Springs, there are hundreds upon hundreds of billboards advertising everything from retirement communities to strip joints. Actually, upon reflection, damn near 95% of the billboard content is distributed amongst those two growth industries, but I digress. There is one sign that haunts, nay, plagues my dreams and daydreams alike. I have passed it dozens of times, and each time have lamented my incompetence in remembering to grab the camera. Well, last week my girlfriend had enough of my bitching and turned the car around. And now, I present to you ladies and gentlemen, the greatest and most terrible billboard ever created:

Fuck me with the Olsen twins, that is the worst bit of advertising I have ever seen. This guy needs to hire an ad exec post haste, before he scares the living bejeezus out of any more future clientele. Seems like somebody took an example of Megan’s law and stuck it on a huge sign for everyone to see. I already know that I don’t want to ever see the fucker, and all I know of him is a billboard sandwiched between some law firm and an ad for amateur night at “Showgirls Riverside”.

I only wish I had a bigger picture. It would be a grand wallpaper to remind me of the fact that there are worse things in this world than Dell TV spots and Michael Bay films. And that thing, my friends, is Kathie Lee Gifford. Oh, and maybe Harpo the Clown making sweet love to Kathie Lee Gifford, but that’s just my overactive imagination trying to drive me past the point of insanity and into the realm of egotistical megalomania. Which of course brings us full circle back to the title of this post. Hooray for happy endings.