First of all, I now know that I must, repeat, must attend the E3 Expo this year. I know this thanks to our old friend Dom of the now deceased Brain-Damage, who pointed me towards the general direction of this little tidbit. As a recently strung out addict who is currently taking his fully formed Triforce towards Hyrule, I can safely say that anything which contains the touch of Miyamoto and the word Zelda attached to it will not find any trouble parting the folds of my wallet.
Second up on the gaming block is the only gaming show that I can receive at my house currently: Extended X-Play. Apparently, the head honchos at Tech TV think that they can fool me into watching their crappy show about games by revamping the graphics and adding a set of tits. Sorry fellas, but until you fix your main problem, I’m never going to enjoy your show. What is the main problem, you might ask?
See, the marketing geniuses at Tech TV might think that extending the show to like, five times a week or whatever it will be now will increase it’s viewer base. Not a bad idea. I will watch the show more often now, but I will still want to murder everyone involved. The only reason I watch it is because I am a filthy, filthy addict and I refuse to get treatment. It’s kind of like being proud that everyone is buying your shitty crack in a town where all other crack dealers mysteriously died. You didn’t get everyone hooked, and your product fucking sucks. But hey, the proof is in the pudding mom, the money’s in my hand, I must be doing something right. Wrong. The show is still terrible, I still want to claw my eyes out with a gardening rake each time I see that fucking blonde idiot onscreen, and I still really have to take a dump after each episode. I don’t know if my body is having a natural reaction to the show’s content, or if its just become accustomed to expelling all noxious chemicals at around midnight, but I can’t dispute the evidence.
You twits at Tech TV want to really grab my attention, especially once the G4 network finally comes to my area and eliminates my need for a real life completely? How about you have an entire episode devoted to slicing off little chunks of Adam Sessler and making him eat them? Then, you chuck the entire format of the show. I don’t want to watch 30 minutes of fucking reviews, I want to hear the news. 30 minutes of retarded opinions from your equally retarded writers is mind numbing. You have other shitty shows that are taped live, why not tape this one about two hours in advance, and include whatever keen news your Japanese-reading temps can decipher. Then, spend five minutes talking about swank Japanese games we’ll probably never get here. Then spend five minutes on reviews that don’t reek of half-assed attempts at comedy or that annoying “IN SPAAACE” bullshit that you fellas seem to like so much. The rest of the show can be that day’s news, reader mail and about 15 minutes per week devoted to toys/movies and other shit that is closely tied to gaming. Other than that, I can’t think of any other way to save your Titanic of a show.
Although I hate it, I don’t know what I’d do without it. My girlfriend subjects me to fucking Buffy every week, even though she knows it’s a pile of shit. If I didn’t have a pile of shit to call my own and devote 30 minutes of her time per week to, I would have no recourse whatsoever. And then I would have, in the words of the immortal George Costanza, no hand.
Is there a God?Well, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ve never even seen this show, or this network, which might prove the existence of God for me. Yet, Sharkey’s description is detailed and vivid enough for me to want to pull my eyelashes out one-by-one with faulty tweezers, not to mention question the existence of the divine, just thinking about this heaping pile of shit those douchebags call a show. However, though there is some respite in torturing the old ball and chain, don’t go wasting your hope on G4. I have that shitbomb of a channel in my area and it’s as sad as an impotent man in a locked room filled with Slices Of The Day. You know when you step on a wad of gum, and not noticing it for days as you wander around your daily life, it picks up unknown amounts of the most revolting rot this planet can offer. Then one day you detect it and you figure you either need some incredibly strong acid or a new pair of shoes. That wad of gum is the G4 network. It is an unholy mass of sordid, rechewed nonsense that is constantly with you, whether you like it or not. Like the gum, the only way to be rid of it is to get, or rather just hope for, a new, intelligent television network for gamers, or burn it away with acid, preferably splashing the most vile mixture of chemicals available onto the faces of all G4 executives. Obviously, neither of these things will ever happen.Of course, if G4 and Tech TV were randomly overrun by rabid simian hordes, then the existence of God would be proven without any shadow of a doubt.
Brr?Your girlfriend makes you fuck Buffy every week? That doesn’t sound so bad.=)
Hand.Hand.You must have Hand at all times.Keep the Hand.
Two words.Ronilyn Reilly
buffybuffy fucking rules dude
BuffyC’mon man, let it go. My girlfriend’s been a fan since day one and even she admits that the show has slid into the sewage and is glad that they’re finally ending it. Let it go. You’ve still got that goddamned Angel show to watch, which means that my personal Hell won’t end so long as it’s contract is renewed.