We all thought Fox had the market cornered on shittacular reality television (and reality reporting for that matter). But we were wrong.
NBC is currently airing a new reality series about marriage. Only not about married couples, but people wanting to get married. They call it “Race to the Altar.” Joy.
Now, you might think this is about how quickly you can knock up your girlfriend to have a shotgun wedding. I certainly did. But I guess that’s reserved for ShowTime’s fall lineup. It will replace “Family Business.”
No, this is about something entirely different. Road Rules meets marriage, or something like that.
NBC pushes romance to the breaking point with this reality series featuring eight engaged couples competing through elaborate physical competitions and smaller non-physical games that force them to work together as a team. Host Lisa Dergan puts love through the ringer as she forces these hopeful brides and grooms to face their fears and test their knowledge of their potential spouse – with one couple voted off in the end.
Now, I actually watched some of this tripe. Ordinarily I wouldn’t, but yet again I am putting off writing a paper. In fact, I’m putting off writing 3 papers. One of 250 words (piece of cake, 10 minutes start to finish). One of 1,000 words (a pain in the ass). One of 3,000 words (a royal pain in the ass), but at least it’s based off the other paper you already know about. All of that is besides the point. The point is that I actually spent 2 minutes of my life watching that network boobtube vomitus on my television.
The first contest? They suspended the 8 couples 100 feet above a hotel pool and had them hug each other in an endurance contest. Now, what does this have to do with marriage?
I have no fucking clue.
The worst part is that they were supsended using the wire-fu setup, but they didn’t jostle them around at all. And when they let go, they just swung apart. No 100 foot plunge into a pool. Where’s the razzle-dazzle splish-splash?
At least they had some stereotypical minority representatives. “Baby, don’t you dare let me go. Hold on tighter you son of a AAAaaaaghhhh!”
Well, maybe the test did actually prepare them for married life. You just know that the first couple to let go will have a cold bed tonight. Frigid, even. The first of many frosty marital mattresses.