Sir, There’s A Has-Been On Line 3

How would you like to get a call from the guy who played Epstein on Welcome Back Kotter?!? …not so much, eh? Well that’s alright, he’s too busy doing Epstein things today to call you, apparently. But you can still get phone calls from all kinds of people that you’re all too young to remember over at Hollywoodiscalling.com.

Now For The First Time Ever You Can Have A Real Celebrity Call You Or A Friend For Just $19.95. They Can Also Deliver A Brief Customized Message Written By You For $29.95. Whether It’s For A Special Occasion Or Just For The Fun It, There’s No Better Way To Impress A Client, A Sweetheart Or A Friend Than To Have A Celebrity Call. So Place Your Order Today.

You know, I’ve never thought about it before, but having someone like Fred “Rerun” Berry call a client would be pretty fucking impressive. Imagine if I had Todd Bridges call up to shake them down for non-payment.

Client: “Hello?”
Todd: “Yo, this be *insert client’s name*”
Client: “Um…yes it is.”
Todd: “Well now it’s on. This is Todd Bridges. Remember Diff’rent Strokes, motherfucker?”
Client: “Sure… aren’t you in jail?”
Todd: “I’ll ask the questions bitch, we only got 15 seconds left. Now why ain’t yo’ ass been payin’ Sharkey his mothafuckin’ money? You know he done the work, why you tryin’ to play him like that? “
Client: “B-b-but I was gonna….”
Todd: “You wasn’t gonna do shit. But what you ARE gonna do is march your fat ass down to the bank and cut my homie a check before I come down there and have you sayin’ “Whatchoo talkin’ bout Todd” as my fists hit yo’ nuts, know what I’m sayin’ muthafucka?”
Client: “Yes sir. I’m sorry sir.”
Todd: “You damn right you sorry. Now, you know of any good criminal attorneys or some Hollywood…”
*background* “Your one phone call is up, Bridges, get back into the line!”
Todd: “Got’DAMMIT.
*CLICK*

Before you get all high-and-mighty about my bashing of two-bit celebrities, consider this fact: Both Gary Coleman and Todd Bridges have been mentioned on this site within a two week period, and I have made not one Dana Plato dead joke. For that kind of steadfast restraint, I should get a fucking medal. Or a burrito. No beans.