Proving Why Criminals Usually Remain Criminals

Alright, so we’ve got some stupid criminal stories to sift through. Grab some hot chocolate or a cup of coffee, and meet me by the fireplace.

First up is a story that I should have posted about over the weekend, only I…you know… didn’t. Thebaaron sent in a story that you may have heard about, regarding a couple of brilliant drug dealing individuals. They were relieved of their quarter-pound of marijuana by theives (criminals stealing from criminals? the devil, you say!) and did just what you’d expect a couple of class-A fuckwits to do: report it to the police.

A Panhandle couple is under arrest after notifying police Thursday that their quarter-pound stash of marijuana was stolen and that they needed the weed back, because they were going to later sell it.

Deputies arrested 18-year-old John Douglas Sheetz and 17-year-old Misty Ann Holmes and charged the duo with possession of marijuana with intent to deliver and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Police said the couple told them they were going to resell the marijuana and allowed the detectives to search the apartment. Investigators discovered several marijuana stems among other drug paraphernalia during the search, The News Herald in Panama City reported for Saturday editions.

Wow. Do you think if a kid ran away from Neverland Ranch, Michael Jackson might call the cops because he had intent on… well, let’s not go there.

Next up we’ve got a lovely couple (thanks for the tip, aeproberts) from Eureka, CA who decided that it would be a good idea to steal a cell phone right from the store. The plan was for the woman to distract the clerk with her feminine wiles, while the dude ran off with the phone. Good plan, right? Just one little problem though: the woman gave the clerk their real credit information.

Store Manager John Meyer said that while the couple’s credit was being checked, they used a “diversionary tactic” and walked out of the store with the phone.

Meyer said the couple gave all of their real credit information and when the results were returned they qualified for a special that included a free phone like the one they allegedly walked off with.

Meyer even contacted them and gave them an opportunity to return the phone before calling police.

*shakes head*

First off, before I read about their history, I knew that the guy would have warrants for drug possession, dealing, etc. I just knew it. Only a whacked out junkie could come up with such a retarded, risky, and not to mention low-yeilding plan. And only a strung-out whore could fuck it up so perfectly.

I like that the clerk almost let them off the hook. What a nice gesture to make towards these junkies in the whole spirit of Christmas. Just like the spirit of Christmas this dipshit will get in jail, when a fellow inmate attempts to deliver a holiday yule log up his chimney, after hearing that he’s in jail for stealing a fucking cell-phone.

“Can you hear me now, mothafucka? GOOD!” *thump*