I think that we would all agree that in the last several decades humanity has grown leaps and bounds. Why, just 20 years ago, if you were disliked by pretty much everyone who knew you, some people actually had the insincerity to expect you to be less of an assholish prick and treat other people with respect. Well I, for one, am glad to report that in this day and age of enlightenment we have given up on that outdated principle.
However, it turns out that there is some sort of strange psychological human behavior that enjoys having other people sit and listen while we spew the same mundane shit over and over until said other person is ready to tear their hair out and douse themselves in radioactive waste. To suggest that humans need some sort of contact outside of AOL and not making eye contact with the clerk at rent-a-pr0n is truly a thought for the ages.
Luckily, this being the 21st century, rather than force people to develop these relationships and shower occasionally, we have found a solution. And, since we are happily in the DIGITAL AGE OF TECHNOLOGY, this compromise wisely involves robots.
Enter Paro, the furry white robotic seal. Paro, as you could likely assume after seeing that snugly white puff in the picture to the right, “has been acknowledged by the Guinness Book of World Records as the world’s most soothing robot.”
With tactile sensors beneath the seal costume, as well as sensors for vision, hearing and posture, the robot also has actuators to help it move and programs to enable it to respond positively to stimuli, such as petting and stroking, and negatively to other actions, such as being hit. The robot also generates a rhythm of certain activities such as waking up and falling asleep.
But, as delightfully intriguing as Paro is, I would just like to take a moment and kindly point out to the scientific community that it is OK for shit to “just be cool.” See, I hate it when scientists create an INTERACTIVE ROBOT and then fuck up the wow factor by saying shit like:
“I would like to investigate further the mechanism by which a robot can influence a human psychologically as well as physiologically,” Shibata said when asked what his research has taught him about human beings. He also wants to learn about ways to design and improve the effect robots have on humans.
Not only is it stupid to call this mind-numbingly obvious statement “research”, it is also a waste of time, since everything you could possibly want to know about human behavior can be learned playing Ultima Online: EVERYONE ELSE WANTS TO FUCK YOU OVER. That’s right, MoFos, you heard it here first.
See, if your good friend Jacko were ever to invent a human-interaction robot, and they asked me what my research has taught me about human beings, it would go something like this:
“uh, hmm, I don’t really..OH HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THAT! THE ROBOT JUST ATE YOUR BA…OH SWEET JESUS HE’S ACTIVATING THE LAZER BEAM…RUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN”
Come to think of it, this might be why they no longer allow me around the heavy equipment.