The Unidor Report: II

by on January 8, 2005 @ 5:31 pm

Yeah, I know. I’m like a day late. So the fuck what. I told you that I smelled Unidor’s space dust a month ago. And now, just as we all figured, Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt have formally broken up. What can I say, the flying blob in a sombrero does good work. Now say thank you to the man properly.

GOOOOO UNIDOR!

I think we should all get together and send Unidor a letter, asking him to break up a nice young couple. Who’s Keira Knightley doing right now? I think Unidor oughtta have his space unicorn trample the lucky prick’s nuts.

Slice Of The Day: Jennifer Garner

by on @ 5:15 pm

So I guess we all have to deal with the new Elektra flick in our own way. I will do my best to refrain from seeing it, since I wanted to gouge out my own eyes with a used soup spoon after seeing Daredevil. However, I am constantly aware of the fact that Jennifer Garner is hot, and that I would like to do naughty things to her. Sadly, the theater is the closest thing to me accomplishing this at the moment, at least as soon as that ban is lifted. Fucking nazis, we all do it.

Oh yeah, new pics in the Jennifer gallery. Enjoy.

Jennifer Garner. Making us all watch shitty movies for over 4 years. ...bitch.

Oh yeah, you can see the first five minutes of Elektra over at Yahoo Movies.

I won’t though.

Bad scene, everyone’s fault

by on @ 9:03 am

For you emo kids, there’s a book out there. It’s called Nothing Feels Good (taken from the title of a Promise Ring album) by Andy Greenwald, a senior contributing writer at Spin.

The book is pretty much a history of the emo movement and most of the bands involved. It explains the whole development of the genre way better than I thought was possible. It does portrays artists like Chris Carrabba of Dashboard Confessional in a positive light, however. So, for those of you who find emo to be played by “spindly young men… playing recycled Byrds songs, mopers and whiners who couldn’t make eye contact with the audience if their lives depended on it” may want to steer clear. Anyhow… I think the point I was going for here is that the book’s an interesting read, written as it is at the height of a musical movement. Even as much as I detest emo, I found it well-written and damn informative.

The quote, by the way, comes from Joe Queenan‘s Red Lobster, White Trash, and the Blue Lagoon. While it was originally directed at grunge rock, I think it applies here. Both are catch-all terms for a series of bands that wouldn’t otherwise be related, and they both seem to be musical movements that have caught on with the exact groups they once tried to avoid (i.e., jocks who listen to Dashboard or Nirvana).

He came from Boston

by on January 7, 2005 @ 3:20 pm

This is so fucking sweet. The frontman for one of my most favorite bands and my favorite radio station have joined forces.

Southern California’s most talked about radio station, Indie 103.1, announced this week that Dicky Barrett will host the morning drive at the station. The Mighty Morning Show, debuts January 31th from 7-10am. Barrett is best known as the lead singer of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones and most recently was the announcer on Jimmy Kimmel Live. The Boston native has this to say about his new radio show: “I’m not gonna fuck with the format. Obviously it’s gonna be fun. It’s gonna be a morning version of everything that Indie is already. Plus I have no idea what I’m doing!”

“Dicky Barrett is a HUGE talent,” states Michael Steele, Indie 103’s program director. “He’s done just about everything in entertainment, from singing to writing to acting, to managing to producing. This guy has a life of experiences that I can’t to hear about on the air. Indie is all about telling it like it is, and playing music that nobody else will touch. Dicky suits us perfectly! I don’t know what the show format is going to be exactly. It’s up to him. I’ve been a fan of the Bosstones since the early 90’s. There aren’t a lot of guys who are as compelling on stage as Dicky is. You can’t take your eyes off him. That’s why I can’t wait to have him behind the mic every morning at Indie 1031. You won’t be able to take your ears off him, I promise.”

Once again, the amount of rewriting I had to do on this from the original press release was fucking insane. While I love finding out about this shit before most folks, it’s a serious pain in the ass to remove all the unnecessary punctuation, capitalization, and grammatical errors. But it’s a labor of love, so I cope.

Now I wanna see a statue

by on @ 3:54 pm

LOS ANGELES – A statue in memory of legendary punk guitarist Johnny Ramone will be unveiled by his wife, Linda Ramone in a public ceremony on January 14 at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery in Los Angeles. The monument will be located not far from where bandmate Dee Dee Ramone is buried. During the ceremony, which will take place from 3 – 5 p.m. there will be speeches by some of Johnny’s closest friends, thus keeping with the spirit of Johnny’s own words written in the stone:

“If a man can judge success by how many great friends he has, then I have been very successful.”

The bronze statue, created by artist Wayne Toth, will capture Johnny in his most memorable image – playing his Mosrite guitar. Johnny Ramone, co-founder and guitarist of seminal 70’s punk rock band The Ramones, died on Sept. 15, 2004 at his home in Los Angeles.

Johnny Ramone co-founded The Ramones in 1974 along with fellow bandmates Joey Ramone, Dee Dee Ramone and Tommy Ramone; the only surviving member of the original band. The band, which gained critical acclaim and a huge following in New York’s underground music scene at the time performing at clubs such as CBGB’s, is widely credited for bringing the “punk rock” genre to the forefront. The Ramones were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2002.

There’s A Reason They’re Free

by on @ 1:45 pm

Take a look in your wallets fellas, because those rubbers might not be as sturdy as your… yeah.

[ Consumer Reports Rates Condoms ] (thanks Grant)

The consumers group best known for rating cars and washing machines has turned its testing prowess to condoms to find out which ones measure up best and how other birth control methods compare.

The nonprofit Consumers Union says in a new guide to contraception that the seven top types of condom they studied did not burst despite vigorous testing, and all models met international standards.

A melon-colored model distributed by Planned Parenthood performed the worst, bursting during a test in which the latex condoms were filled with air.

*thinks*

*checks wallet*

Oh right, the whiskey flavored ones from that vending machine in Edinburgh. I’m safe.

Slice Of The Day: Ashlee Simpson

by on @ 1:33 pm

Poor little Ashlee Simpson. I gotta admit, I love watching this girl get knocked around:

From IMDB: Ashlee Simpson was at the center of another live show controversy on Tuesday night when her half-time performance at the college football Orange Bowl in Miami, Florida, was booed. The sister of pop star Jessica Simpson was outed as a lipsyncher during an embarrassing performance on Saturday Night Live back in October, and she was left red-faced again during an awful live show Tuesday night. Amid technical problems that saw fellow half-time show performers Kelly Clarkson and Trace Adkins struggle to hear themselves, Ashlee howled her way through hit single “La La,” hitting bad note after bad note. And fans of Orange Bowl finalists University Of Southern California and Oklahoma weren’t shy about voicing their disapproval – and booed her loudly. The censors also clamped down on the singer, insisting she remove a sexually-charged “French maid” line in the song and replace it with “lemonade”.

Hahahaha, oh that is sad. But it is nice to see my local brothers over at SC sticking it to a defenseless little halfwit. That kind of shit is my cup of tea. So anyway, pics:

Now what’s this bullshit about uber-hottie Heidi Klum getting hitched to motherfucking Seal?!? Somebody needs to get Unidor off his ass, and onto his space unicorn. Don that sombrero, bitch, it’s wrong-rightin’ time!