BAMF

[ Why Don’t We Get Ads This Clever? ] (from Bongweasel)

**Updated** The link should work now, thanks again to the Bongmeister

What a productive day…. this would have been.

I woke up at 7:15, so that I could go utilize the best services the government could offer. I was planning to hit the DMV at opening, so that I could avoid the sweaty masses yearning to clog up the freeways. Then it would be a jaunt over to the court, to settle up a traffic ticket. I arrived ten minutes prior to the DMV’s opening, got out of my car, and marvelled at the complete desolation in the parking lot. After grabbing a McGriddle across the street, and chugging down my orange juice, I sat down in my car and checked the clock. 7:59. I was about to get up and test the front doors when it dawned on me.

Monday. Martin Luther King Junior Day. AKA: Sharkey is an idiot day.

Hey, fuck you. The only reason I knew it was Monday in the first place was because I was so angry to be working on Sunday.

[ Holy mother of God. ]

Throw a couple billion in each pocket, and all of the sudden those pictures really start making the ladies sweat. And please, somebody, for the love of God. Tell me what these pictures were actually for. Maybe I’m just illiterate, and can’t find the actual source material. Or maybe I’m just blinded by the overwhelming sexiness pouring out of my monitor.

[ Pentagon Planned To Develop “Gay Bomb” ]

Most bizarre among the plans was one for the development of an “aphrodisiac” chemical weapon that would make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other. Provoking widespread homosexual behaviour among troops would cause a “distasteful but completely non-lethal” blow to morale, the proposal says.

Non-lethal blow, eh? I bet.

Hey, there were a million bad puns circling this thing like a pack of vultures, I just shot randomly into the air.

Hoo boy, we’ve got a couple of real prize winners today. First up is a granny who reached for a bottle of eyedrops and accidentally superglued her eyes shut.

The 78-year-old Wurtulla resident was defrosting the fridge when her eyes started watering and she reached for a bottle of allergy eye drops.

But instead of grabbing the medicated drops she got Loctite 401 instant glue. The powerful adhesive was being kept in the fridge to avoid heat damage.

“That second my eyes were glued shut and I realised the glue was next to the drops in the fridge,” Mrs Horder said.

I like that the husband’s first idea of trouble came when his wife stopped bitching. He probably wishes the old bat would superglue her eyes shut more often, so that he can enjoy Judge Judy in peace. Which, by the way, is your future. Invest in a gun.

So if we follow the old axiom of age before beauty, we’re in for a little beauty. And this fucking story? Terribly beautiful. But that’s what you get when you cross an Amish with a downed power line.

A 17-year-old Amish boy was electrocuted trying to remove a power line that got tangled in his horse-drawn buggy’s wheels, authorities said.

The boy drove over a power line Tuesday that had sagged down within a foot of the road after separating from a pole, authorities said.

The line got stuck in the wheels and stopped the buggy. The boy got out and grabbed the 4,800-volt line in an attempt to remove it from the wheels, the Geauga County Sheriff’s office said. He died at the scene.

I feel like a right bastard for laughing at this, but come on. Shunning technology, I can understand. But for crap’s sake, if you’re going to shield your children from the blight that is electricity, you might want to let them know that it’s dangerous to more than their immortal soul. I leave you with the last quote of the article, just to chew on:

The horse pulling the buggy was not injured.

Of course not! My nigga Clip-Clop knows not to touch a goddamned power line!

[ Times Online – “Plea by Snow as US deficit hits monthly record” ]

I know it’s a serious topic and all, but I was very disappointed that this article didn’t discuss “Informer” whatsoever.

[ Fake Love Tokens Fool Female Flies ]

Females among many insects and animals, including humans, enjoy receiving gifts during courtship, but a new study on flies reveals that males can woo their intendeds with worthless, fake love tokens, even if such cheating is otherwise undocumented for the species.

By the time the female fly realizes her lover is a cheapskate and beats him off with her wings, the male already has mated with her and leaves with his faux present to find another partner.

The fly has been watching us, and he has taken notes. Not only has he learned that women are easily swayed with gifts, but has taken it to the next level by providing fake gifts. I, for one, applaud these highly advanced insects and their creativity in getting the females to spread their six legs so willingly.

So yeah, as much as I hate the battery life claims, I’m pretty much sold on the idea of the PSP. Especially now that Rockstar has officially announced their Grand Theft Auto title for the little bastard. It’s going to be based off GTA 3’s Liberty City, and will feature new missions. No other word on the storyline, or engine modifications.

Shit in my cornflakes, piss on my pillow, whatever it takes karmaically speaking to get Jessica Alba into my bed. Have you fuckers seen the Sin City trailer? It’s like viagra found a way to inject itself through my occular cavities.

So I threw up some new pics that were stolen from the pie forum, which I would imagine were stolen from elsewhere. So you see, it all cancels itself. Not that you’re even bothering reading this. If you can look at that image above and continue listening to what I have to say, you’re the gayest thing since gay hit Gaytown.