BAMF

Evil Homer sent this one in. Fan-fucking-tastic.

When two Danish burglars realized someone had stolen the keys to their getaway car, they reacted like honest citizens and called the police.

Police said they were only too happy to help, and arrested them after they confessed to breaking and entering.

You know what would have been a better alternative? Beating the shit out of the guy with the keys. Or, perhaps, cutting your losses and giving the stuff back. Maybe the owners will take pity on your complete lack of grey matter and let you go. At least that way you won’t wind up forwarded around the internet by every cubicle-jockey in the nation.

Why celebrities have to be so fascinating, and you so boring, I will never understand. But until the day where I can write about your life of working at Wal-Mart and eating Top Ramen® in your underpants and feel satisfied, I will continue to do things this way. Besides, the Hilton sisters are an unstoppable force of hilarity, and you cannot stop them. I could though… but I won’t.

So. It seems that the pair of tits who magically brought the Black Eyed Peas into the limelight has been inundated with phone calls recently. Poor little Fergie, her phone number was one of the hundreds stored in Paris Hilton’s Sidekick.

Calling it a “quite a nightmare,” Fergie — like many of Hilton’s friends in this situation — is planning on changing all of her phone numbers. After that, she has one more item on her to-do list: “I am going to kill Paris Hilton.”

Aww. But Fergie, if you kill Paris, she’ll never get to do the sequel to her popular amatuer video! I heard they were going to call it Two Knights In Paris. *rimshot*

Oh. And Paris, get your sister Nicky the number of your publicist. Her image could use some well-timed nudity.

[ Stupid Computer Tricks ]

I really appreciated the credit cards.

From IMDB:

Hunter S. Thompson’s ashes will be fired across his Colorado estate by a cannon, in keeping with his final wishes. The journalist and author committed suicide at his secure compound in Woody Creek on Sunday. He was 67. The Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas author wanted a simple, but bizarre funeral, during which his body is cremated and his ashes blasted across the ranch, according to his lawyer George Tobia Jr. Thompson’s friend, journalist Troy Hooper explains, “I believe he wanted to be shot out of a cannon. I understand it’s in his will. That’s Hunter’s style. That’s how he would want it. He was a big fan of bonfires and explosions and anything that went bang and I’m sure he’d like to go bang as well.”

Um… not to be disrespectful or anything, but didn’t he already go out with a bang? This is kind of redundant, don’t you think?

Nintendo released their list of Q2 ’05 releases. Here’s a breakdown of the “highlights” in your future:

• Star Fox Assault – 29 April 2005 (Gamecube)
• Killer 7 (Capcom) – 27 June 2005 (Gamecube)
• WarioWare Twisted! (Nintendo) – 3 June 2005 (GBA)
• Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith (Ubisoft) – May 2005 (GBA, DS)

Yeah, other than that, pretty lackluster. And come to think of it, the only game on that list that I will even consider buying is the Star Wars game, and that’s only because Ubisoft puts out quality stuff.

It’s really depressing watching a company so renowned for quality software just slipping down the tubes. It’s almost like we went back in time to the Virtual Boy era, and had Nintendo decide to sink all its time and efforts into that big red albatross. I mean yeah, it’s rumored that they’ll have DIVX compression on the DS so that you can play movies on it, but I’d much rather have one single fucking game that makes me glad that I own it.

*looks at Nintendo DS on the desk*

I think this is my penance for years of taunting Mac users for buying a $3000 paperweight. Although mine only set me back $150, and I did get to play an awkward version of Mario 64 on it. Hooray for seeing the bright side when you’re knee deep in shit.

We’re getting a little help in the pie department, courtesy of Tom. He sent in an update to the Ashlee Simpson gallery, as well as a few others. You can thank him any time.

Little miss Ashlee has been laying low following the lip-synch/Orange Bowl booing incidents, but you can read about her thoughts (she can do that?!?) over at Mercury News. Apparently she’s working on some Blondie and Pretenders covers, which is cute. It’s gotta be a real kick in the pants when a no-talent-but-her-tits teenybopper decides to cover your music. I can imagine that the royalty checks help cushion the blow.

uh… heroo? hello?
HELLO CLEVELAND! HAHAHAHA!
JOKE! HAHAHAHAHA!
*pees*

I think the server is finished settling. This is my first attempt at a post since the move, so lets hope that I haven’t forgotten anything.

The forums, the badassmofo.com domain, everything should be rolling over for you today. If you experience any serious issues with the site, please let me know.

Man oh man, just when you think Paris Hilton is going to fade away, her publicist figures out some sort of stunt to keep her shining in the limelight.

In case you were under a rock, or perhaps out with real people instead of hanging out on the net all weekend, Paris’ Sidekick got hacked, causing all kinds of shenanigans. I uploaded all of the “stolen” pics from her phone to SOTD. Watch out, some are NSFW.

I’m really torn about the validity of the hacking itself. I’m not saying that the pics/phone book aren’t real, I’m just saying that if it were any other star, it’d be a PR stunt. The only reason I even question it in this case, is because Paris Hilton has no fucking need for PR. She’s a professional socialite, and filthy fucking rich. Why bother, unless you’re a complete and utter attention whore?

Oh… right.

Pietracker.com – Solo set us up a pr0n tracker. Now you can go ahead with your Monday plans for violating yourself ten times before lunch.