BAMF

Woman Marries Dolphin

… *stares blankly*

In a modest ceremony at Dolphin Reef in the southern Israeli port of Eilat, Tendler, a 41-year-old British citizen, apparently became the world’s first person to “marry” a dolphin.

Dressed in a white dress, a veil and pink flowers in her hair, Tendler got down on one knee on the dock and gave Cindy a kiss. And a piece of herring.

“It’s not a perverted thing. I do love this dolphin. He’s the love of my life,” she said Saturday, upon her return to London.

OK, we’re all taking this story a bit too lightly. Sure the bitch is crazy. Sure her mother would have been better off swallowing on the day she was conceived. And yeah… she’s probably uglier than sin. But that doesn’t change the fact of the matter: this woman is a threat. If she manages to breed with this bottlenosed bastard, we could be in for some big fucking trouble. Just think about a dolphin with opposable thumbs and a voicebox. Or worse, imagine a dolphin with legs! Because you know one of those fuckers will be the dolphin Chuck Norris, and learn to roundhouse kick his way across Hell and damnation. Then what the fuck will we do?

…what the fuck are we gonna do?

Uh-oh! Looks like Tom Cruise and my ex-wife Katie Holmes might have been informed by their publicists that the charade is no longer in their best interests. In other words, things are apparently on the rocks.

With a new year beginning, Cruise “decided to take the opportunity to mend fences with the family of his fiancée, Katie Holmes,” according to the upcoming issue of Life & Style Weekly. It didn’t go so well.

“Tom and Katie ended up leaving — three days earlier than planned,” according to a “close friend” of Cruise. “Katie was in tears, but that’s standard when it comes to dealing with family matters and Tom.”

I might have personal stake in this one, but I certainly hope that this bullshit is over. I’ve never believed it for a second, because it’s quite obvious that Tom is either gay, or completely asexual. At least I could believe that Chris Klein was putting the dick to her. If I had to put down hard cash, I’d bet heavily that Tom’s assault on Oprah was the closest he’s come to heterosexual sex in at least a year. And the poor fucker was whaling it, at that!

Still, there will always be another shitty celebrity couple to dominate the news right around the corner. As soon as Tomkat hits the skids, Paris Hilton will start dating Haley Joel Osmet or something equally ridiculous. Then the cycle will start anew. Ah Hollywood… why the fuck do we bother?

Why hadn’t I seen these before?

• Boom Goes The Dynamite – Somebody’s first day on the job is definitely going to be the last. His response to the first slip-up sums it up pretty well: “Oh NO….”
• Mario Unleashed – Sweet Jesus in a birchbark canoe… that had to take for-fucking-ever to nail.
• Prom Deperation – But does she put out?

And for nostalgia’s sake, a different take on Lightning Bolt!

Poor widdle Windsay… her tummy hurted because of the drugs and the booze and the vomiting. Diddums have a widdle eating disorder? Awwww, that’s OK. It’s cute for starlets to have ’em these days. How else are little girls going to learn to control their weight, if they don’t have Skeletoresque role models to look up to?

Oh, and Lindsay Lohan is your slice of the day. Duh.

That new Vanity Fair spread is actually somewhat hot, even with the rampant freckleness and still-too-skinny physique. Hopefully she’ll decide to eat a sandwich or something this week, and we can get her fantastic funbags back. I miss ’em.

Wow, blast from the past. At least, a past that I don’t really remember, nor do I care to try. Natalie Appleton (formerly of the band All Saints) is your SOTD, so go on over and reminisce about some circa 1997 boobies.

Did they even have a hit? Where the Hell was I back when they were popular, taking a shit?

DoCopenhagen has a pretty excellent article up detailing their top 50 music videos of 2005. I’ve gotta say, I’m sad that I don’t watch enough MTV2, because there’s some good shit in there that I’d never seen before. Couple of highlights:

• Jason Forrest: War Photographer – Vikings, bitchin’ animation style, and a pretty slick little tune that I’d never heard before. Win.
• Arcade Fire: Laika – I love Arcade Fire. They’re one of the best acts I’ve ever seen live, and this video is exactly the kind of quirky visual representation of their music that I’d expect. Not to mention the fact that this song kicks ass. Give it a try.
• Interpol: Evil – Not really a huge fan either way, but this video is just fucking freaky. Just look at that fucking crazy-ass muppet. Kinda makes you wish he’d been aced in that car accident as well.

I want to put that muppet next to a friend while they’re sleeping, just to hear their shrieks of terror as they awaken next to that haunting visage. And then just to top it off, I’ll get ’em in the junk with that Extreme Reaction game I told you about last week.

…I’m a pretty shitty friend.

Sim City Classic – Free, browser based Sim City.

Yeah… there goes my day.

So I went test driving this weekend. Looking to get myself a new car. One of my first BAMF posts back in the day was regarding my quest to purchase a new automobile (which I did, a Honda Civic EX… wheee.) so it seems only fitting that I poll you suckers for a little advice on my next major purchase. Right now I’m leaning towards the following:

• Nissan 350 Z – I actually test drove this bad boy on Sunday, after my Civic blew up. Lemme tell you son… daddy like. I tried out the 287 and 300hp models, and I was at half mast by the time we reached 90MPH, which took all of five seconds. I loved this car. Loved. It’s slick as Hell, not uncomfortable for my 6’3″ frame, and handles like a well-trained Taiwanese hooker. The only drawback is that it only has two seats… but I hate people and have little chance of talking my current girl into a threesome, so those additional seats would only drag down my gas mileage I suppose.
• Infiniti G35 – Haven’t had a chance to drive this thing yet, but I will in the next couple of days. I’m hoping that this thing blows me away, as it will completely solve the two seat dilemma of the 350Z. Plus it’s downright sexy, as long as it’s the two-door model. Those additional doors are like adding a few lbs. to Jennifer Lopez’s ass… you’re already at maximum “junk in the trunk” capacity. Any more and the bitch will look ridiculous.

Those are basically the top two at this point. I’m really just looking for suggestions and comments, so if you’ve got any, have at it. I’m not a truck or SUV type of guy, so if you planned on telling me to invest in an automobile that could possibly contain a gun rack: don’t bother.

Mitch Hedberg’s Death Due To Drug Overdose

Comedian MITCH HEDBERG died of “multiple drug toxicity,” according to Spin magazine and reports filed by the New Jersey medical examiner’s office.

The 37-year-old, who starred in ALMOST FAMOUS and Fox’s hit series THAT ’70S SHOW, was found dead in a New Jersey hotel room during a stand-up tour in March (05).

He had cocaine and heroin in his system, but was originally thought to have died of heart failure.

I’m in shock. No, seriously.

Oh, not about the drugs, that was a given. I just had no fucking idea that this comedic genius was in Almost Famous.

Sand.

Fucking addicting. Or, you could also try its slightly more CPU-intensive zombie-containing brother.

BongWeasel: it’s basically a sandbox type of thing where you fuck around with physics and particle properties. you have sand, water, salt, and oil that have their own properties. water can be mixed with salt to make salt water. water makes plants grow. salt shrinks the slug ( i usually just turn that fucker off though ). oil burns quickly, while wax burns slowly.

I don’t know why it’s so addicting, but it is. And now 3/4 of my day is gone. Lovely.