BAMF

Time for an open letter…

Dear fuckers who bashed in my car window last night:

I appreciate the fact that your meth-addled brain probably cannot completely utilize your analytical faculties, so it’s likely that you do not have the skills nor the available tools to properly open my car’s passenger door. So I understand your need to bash the sucker in with a railroad spike. Seriously, I get it.

I would just personally like to congratulate you on being the second idiot to attempt to steal my stereo (which I paid $250 for three years ago, perhaps you should try stealing the whole car next time?) and completely fucking fail. Not only that, I’d also like to thank you for completely overlooking the numerous items in the car which individually are worth more on the street than my meager sound system.

Also, just like last time, I really do have to smile when I see the vandalism left behind during your obvious fit of frustration upon the realization that you are, indeed, the worst car stereo theif known to man. I say this, because at least the last guy who failed at this didn’t need to break the Goddamned window.

Love,
Sharkey

I’d like to meet the fellow who did this. Not for any kind of macho bluster, mind you. I’m a big motherfucker, but I’d imagine that if he had the inclination to steal my shit, he probably carries a knife and a drug-withdwrawl-induced surly disposition. And while the two haven’t yet been formally introduced, I sincerely doubt that my ribcage and a serrated blade would get along too well.

No no, I would merely like to get a look at someone so fucking incompetent at theivery that they spend more time getting angry and vandalizing the car than they do poking around to make it a better score. For example, a simple pat-down of the expensive jacket that I carelessly left on the passenger seat would have made last night a pretty worthwhile endeavor. Well done, sport. Hopefully you were stupid enough to clutch that spike in your bare hands before you sent it through the glass. But I won’t hold my breath.

Spider-Man 3 Photos

Does Kirsten Dunst even know how to sing? This oughtta be interesting.

Offtopic: Where the Hell are all of the good movies and DVDs right now? I used to be able to make a post once a week about DVDs and games and such that were coming out, and in the last month I haven’t felt the need to buy a single DVD. What gives? I haven’t been to the theater in six months either, it’s starting to get depressing. Daddy needs his movie lust satiated, and quickly. Any suggestions?

That’s one title I thought I’d never type. Love her or hate her, Lisa Loeb is back from the throws of obscurity. I was hoping she’d stay there, personally. That song “Stay” makes me want to go on a killing spree armed with a spork and a hardbound copy of War and Peace.

Her new reality series “#1 Single” seems to be doing well. The show follows Lisa around as she attempts to meet Mr. Right so that she can settle down, shit out a few young’uns, and have a soccer-mom ass for the rest of her life. Stupid premise, but then again, aren’t they all?

Whoa whoa whoa now… hold the phone.

Lisa Loeb has one cute ass for a chick in her mid to late 30s. Look at that thing. I mean I plan to continue dating 18-24 year olds until Jesus calls me home, but this makes me consider broadening my horizons a bit.

Maybe a 28 year old. Brave new world ahead…

That would be one fucking ugly baby.

Christina Aguilera sure has a real talent for going from hot to ho-bag in 3.5 seconds. Somehow this latest batch of pics from Rolling Stone caught her in mid-gear-shift, and perfectly amalgamates her subtle beauty with her total fucking whorishness.

…and it’s got nipples, too.

Are there any dudes out there who actually prefer chicks with nipple rings? I mean the guys with piercing fetishes, I get that… but any regular dudes actually get a girl in the sack, reach under that bra, hit metal and go “jackpot!” I’ve had ’em, and while they were hot at first, you’ve eventually gotta dismiss them as a passing novelty.

…and just once, to be a dick, pull on them a bit “too” hard.

Worst. Hiccups. Ever.

A Colombian man accidentally shot his nephew to death while trying to cure his hiccups by pointing a revolver at him to scare him, police in the Caribbean port city of Barranquilla said on Tuesday.

After shooting 21-year-old university student David Galvan in the neck, his uncle, Rafael Vargas, 35, was so distraught he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide, police said.

The incident took place on Sunday night while the two were having drinks with neighbors.

Oops.

I like that it was happening in the middle of a little soiree. Nothing ruins a good tea party like bits of blood and brain in the mojitos.

I still haven’t finished watching all of Firefly, nor have I even attempted watching Serenity, but Morena Baccarin certainly offers up an attractive reason to do so.

Her character Inara is so hot on that show, I might actually forget about the fact that she’d let about 3,000 Chinese-speaking dudes shoot a load in her.

Infinium Labs Secures Phantom Funding

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

I hope Golden Gate Investors has money to burn, because they may as well have just wiped their asses with that $5 million and hit the flusher.

Goodbye WB, Adios UPN, Hello… The C Fucking W?!? – Good idea, stupid fucking name.

Today, in a joint venture with Warner Bros. Entertainment, we are announcing the intent to form a new broadcast network, The CW, to be launched in the fall of 2006. CBS and Warner Bros. will each hold a 50% interest in The CW, which will utilize the best programming from Warner Bros. and CBS Corporation, and tap the top executive talent of both organizations. Dawn Ostroff, currently President of UPN, will become The CW’s President of Entertainment and John Maatta, currently Chief Operating Officer of The WB, will become Chief Operating Officer.

The CW will clearly be greater than the sum of its parts — serving the public with high-quality programming, maintaining our ongoing commitment to minority audiences and delivering excellent demographics to advertisers. Additionally, The CW will be able to draw from the creative talent and production resources from the top two television production studios in the business, while also seeking programming from all sources — independent producers or other studios.

Just a hint here, UPN employees: greater than the sum of its parts means “we expect higher quality using fewer people,” so start updating those resumes now.

I like that they’re combining the two networks that I won’t watch into one massive network that I won’t watch. Frees up the space for some more Bond marathons or something.

Border Guards Have Mexican Standoff With… Mexicans… and the kicker is, they’re wearing Mexican military uniforms. Nifty, eh?

Men in Mexican military-style uniforms crossed the Rio Grande into the United States on a marijuana-smuggling foray, leading to an armed confrontation with Texas law officers, authorities said Tuesday. No shots were fired.

The Mexican Foreign Relations Department issued a statement saying that drug traffickers and other organized criminals have used uniforms and vehicles before. “It is possible that these actions were designed to damage the image of our armed forces,” it said.

Monday’s incident follows a story in the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin in Ontario, Calif., on January 15 that said the Mexican military had crossed into the United States more than 200 times since 1996. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff has said reports of Mexican incursions into the United States were overblown and most were just mistakes.

They dropped over half a ton… half… a… ton… of marijuana when they turned tail and ran. Any potheads wanna estimate the net worth of that bundle?