BAMF

Today marks the 20th birthday of Zelda, and rather than working… or pretending to work, as I’m known to do, I think we should all take a minute and reflect on what made this series so goddamned awesome. Then we can tear it apart, because frankly, that’s what we do here.

Actually, fuck it. Let’s just post a bunch of links and tear it apart. I mean we could sit here and yap about how rad it was the first time you ripped the master sword out of the stone in the third game, but we all know this. How about we talk about the fact that for Zelda’s 20th birthday, it’s been confirmed that Twilight Princess has been delayed until the Fall? Way to go Nintendo, it’ll be here just in time to come out for a last-generation console! Plus… you get to piss me off, which is always fun.

How about the fact that the Japanese have constantly attempted to keep Link’s sexuality relatively ambiguous? There were a lot of awkward moments (scroll down a bit) in the series, that kinda make you wonder. Examples:

First you’ve got homosexually-charged shit like the first two images above in the Zelda instruction manuals, then you’ve got him pimping out bitches and old maids for health and magic power in Zelda II. Was he really into tapping those little red-dress-wearing skanks, or was he just in it for the HP? Not that there would be anything wrong with him being gay but… well yeah fuck it, it’s not ok, that’s where I draw the line. Link is the manliest fucker to ever wear a skirt, and I refuse to allow you slanty eyed karaoke jockeys to effeminize him for your own amusement. It makes it a hell of a lot harder for me to take the Wind Waker seriously if I have to wonder about whether or not the hero of time also likes to ride the man train to Hyrule.

Other than that, I’ve never really had a problem with the series. It’s damned near perfect, with the exception of that CD-i nonsense. But nobody qualifies those games, because they’re more like a sick April Fool’s day joke that somehow got out of hand. Besides, do you know anyone who owned a CD-i? You do? Well pound them to death with a fucking Power Glove®, because someone needs to put them out of their long-delayed misery. And then you should check out these links, and take a long nostalgic trip down memory lane. It’s not like you have anything better to do:

• Zeldalegends.net – check out the image gallery for scans of the old instruction manuals. Holy shit… the 80’s were amazing.
• The Official Zelda Site – cry along with me, as you check out the amazing trailers for Twilight Princess and realize that we’ll have a new fucking President before it sees the light of day.

Zelda Classic – I want to play this. I am simply too lazy to do so. Therefore, one of you should play it for me, and tell me all about how awesome it is. Bongweasel, I nominate you.

• Zelda Comics – Nintendo Power magazine was the shit, son. Too bad my mom threw them all away when I brought home a report card with an “Unsatisfactory” on my homework grades one year. I should kick her in the shin for that later.
  
  Oh, and be sure to check out the merchandise section of that site too, there’s some badass stuff in there. If I ever decide to go celibate, I’m getting those curtains.
• The REAL LOZ @ Newgrounds – The loading screen is funny enough, the rest is pretty goddamned excellent.

Submit your own in the comments, I’m sure I’m missing a whole bag of excellence.

Alright, after yesterday’s lesbian porn romp confirmation, you knew there’d be a Nicole Lenz gallery forthcoming. And let me tell you, I’d love to watch this girl and Paris fondle one another. Matter of fact, I’d watch this girl getting pleasured by Kelly Osbourne if I had to, just to satisfy my own curiousity. I’m sure my dick would malfunction for about a week afterwards, but it might be worth it.

…

I think my dick is mad at me for even suggesting such a thing. Could you excuse us?

Holy shit! Someone gave Lindsay Lohan a sandwich! I missed those cute mamms…

Man, I’d whap at those things like Rocky beating on slabs of meat. Then I’d hum “Eye of the Tiger” as I slapped her around like Apollo Creed.

[ Existence of Paris Hilton Lesbian Sex Tape Confirmed ] – At least this is better news than that Scott Stapp/Kid Rock shit.

Paris Hilton made a lesbian sex tape with a Playboy pin-up, it has been claimed. The hotel heiress allegedly made the “horniest videotape of all time” with Playboy beauty Nicole Lenz.

Lenz is quoted in Britain’s News of the World newspaper as saying: “The moment we were in the room Paris had only one thing on her mind – sex.

“We lied down on a king size bed and took it in turns to play with each other. It wasn’t long before we were naked and rolling around together.”

Lenz also claims she and Paris pleasured each other with sex toys. She added: “We just pleasured each other for hours, recording it all. Paris had brought all manner of sex toys – to make sure we didn’t miss out on anything simply because there was no man in bed with us!”

So basically, this video has something for everyone. That’s what we’re saying here. You get Nicole Lenz violating (seems like a difficult task) Paris Hilton in a $1K/night Bellagio suite. I know it’s a lot to ask, but how about some fucking proper lighting this time?

Dear Brett Ratner,

I don’t remember ever giving you any fucking authority over anything important to me, ever. Now, X-3 slipped through my fingers while I was on the john, and I let it slide in a fit of apathy. Oh well. But goddammit, you will shut your fucking piehole and keep your head down during the next year, or so help me you’ll wind up like McG. Yes, I know, McG is still rich and kinda-sorta famous, but the fucker can only hoarde that coke fund for so long.

Consider this your last warning.

Love,
Sharkey.

Wow… didn’t think I’d ever say that again. But here we are, celebrating the tiny shreds of fame that Shannon Doherty can muster these days.

How did she wind up in the public eye again, you might ask? There are really only three methods to re-aiming that public spotlight upon a fading star, and they are as follows:

1. Marry someone far more famous.
2. Kill, nearly kill, or maim someone.
3. Two words: sex tape.

In this instance, Shannon decided to opt for choice number 2 by nearly killing some poor sap on PCH. Too bad she didn’t go with #3, she’s pretty much past the expiration date for such publicity stunts. Oh well, there’s always the day four years from now when Jessica Biel needs a fix and a bit of attention.

I just got out of the bathroom, and had to share something with all of you.

You know fellas, when you’re taking a good leak, and you get those bubbles? The bubbles that signify a good hard stream, kind of like the frosty head on a mug of brew, you get my drift? Well in the midst of this sea of bubbles topping an ocean of pee, I noticed that I’d cut a pattern straight through the foam.

That’s right, I pissed a perfect Apple logo.

I’m scared. Hold me.

[ Kid Rock/Scott Stapp Sex Tape ]

Not what you think, but then again it is… but then again it isn’t.

Either way, this is the exact opposite of anything that anyone should ever want to see… fucking ever.

“Knight” Proposes to Girlfriend

…

must be pretty hard to see through that helmet.

Holy Terror, Batman!

Not a fucking joke.

Miller proudly announced the title of his next Batman book, which he will write, draw and ink. Holy Terror, Batman! is no joke. And Miller doesn’t hold back on the true purpose of the book, calling it “a piece of propoganda,” where ‘Batman kicks al Qaeda’s ass.”

The reason for this work, Miller said, was “an explosion from my gut reaction of what’s happening now.” He can’t stand entertainers who lack the moxie of their ’40s counterparts who stood up to Hitler. Holy Terror is “a reminder to people who seem to have forgotten who we’re up against.”

It’s been a long time since heroes were used in comics as pure propaganda. As Miller reminded, “Superman punched out Hitler. So did Captain America. That’s one of the things they’re there for.”

You know… as stupid of a fucking idea as this is… the man has a point. Considering the fact that most comic books have been outlandishly ridiculous as of late, he may as well take them back to their more embarrasing roots. Go ahead Frank, it’s not like you’ve done anything worth noting recently anyway…

Oh, and I feel really, really bad about the GIF I’ve attached to this post.