BAMF

Still no home for “Arrested Development.” My spirits are low.

At this point I’d definitely be willing to pay to see the fucking show. Franklin had so much more potential!

I pray. I pray nightly that Kevin Federline continues putting out music.

Oh shit son, he threw us a curveball right there. Stones nicknamed “Barney Rubble.” I’m going to go grab a sock and think about what I’ve done.

I started off the day doing proposals for this and that, figuring I’d get to my normal internet slacking, posting some pie, and being a pompous dick somewhere around 10:30AM.

*looks at watch*

Yeah, sometimes life doesn’t turn out the way you want it to. Last weekend, for example, when a few of us went to the Pancake House for some delicious breakfast. My cousin got up when we were seated, citing that he had to take a piss. His minor overshare was only worth noting, because he turned back around that corner just as swiftly as he’d disappeared behind it, only now with a look of shock and horror plastered across his mug. He sat down and stared ahead blankly, which prompted me to ask what caused his swift return and what the fuck was wrong with him. Apparently he walked into the mens room and there, at the urinal, was a 70+ year old man with his entire lower wardrobe around pulled around his ankles as he drained the lizard. Struck with the sudden sight of old wrinkly man ass and the inevitability of more sights to come, my cousin whipped right around and walked back out.

Like I said, life’s full of unexpected turns. And sometimes you’re just a raging pussy in the face of old man nudity.

Dude… I’ve known that Crispin Glover (George McFly from Back To The Future) is a total fucking freak for a long time. Anyone who collects used electric chairs has to have a screw loose somewhere. But what… what the fuck is going on here? (thanks again, FaaQ)

This trailer is for Crispin’s directorial debut: What Is It? Someone should tell that fucker that irony is getting stale. Here’s the lowdown from IMDB:

Tagline: Being the adventures of a young man whose principle interests are snails, salt, a pipe, and how to get home. As tormented by an hubristic, racist inner psyche.

Plot Outline: What Is It? is a bewildering, unnerving, surreal, blackly comic film from the visionary mind of Crispin Glover that tells the inner and outer struggles of a young man facing villains and demons on multiple planes.

Keep in mind that all of the actors aside from Glover have Downs Syndrome. I always thought that he seemed like a semi-talented actor, and reasonably intelligent. Batshit insane, sure, but intelligent enough. I don’t see the need to surround onesself with mentally handicapped actors unless you felt like making yourself look better. I’m pretty sure that kid from “Life Goes On” was in there though, so maybe that’ll deepen the talent pool.

Then, of course, there’s his essay on the film, which… is a real fun read. Here’s a highlight:

Is it possible that the Columbine shootings would have not occurred if Steven Spielberg had never wafted his putrid stench upon our culture, a culture he helped homogenize and propagandize?

Would the culture benefit from Steven Spielberg’s murder, or would it be lessened by making him a martyr? Or would people then begin to realize their lives had become less banal and more interesting due to his departure? Because I think it is possible a beautiful piece of non-lingual music could well be written by an angry victim once Steven Spielberg becomes a corpse. It could be that this angry victim of banal and ruinous propaganda will have written an anthem signaling a new era, a new thought process, a new music, and a new culture that is desperately needed in the coming days, and forevermore.

The bit about Goebbels made me laugh. Hard.

So yeah, Crispin has officially gone bye-bye, Egon. But I’ll still rent his crazy ass movie.

Pirates Attack 2 Navy Warships (via FaaQ)

A dozen suspected pirates on a small fishing boat became prisoners Saturday after they opened fire on two Norfolk-based Navy warships in the Indian Ocean. Five of those captured were wounded and a 13th man was killed, the Navy said.

No one on the Gonzalez, a guided missile destroyer, or the Cape St. George, a guided Updates, photos and video from the Associated Pressmissile cruiser, was hurt.

Why the men opened fire is unclear, but their decision to take on Navy ships in a 30-foot fishing boat was “not too smart at all,” said Cmdr. Jeff Breslau, a Fifth Fleet spokesman in Bahrain.

“If somebody shoots at us, they can pretty much expect to die because we will return fire,” Breslau said by telephone.

Wow, those motherfuckers weren’t going out without a fight. Except that this fight was more like a kitten scratching a scab off of the heel of Mike Tyson and expecting him to bow down. Perhaps the pirates figured that the giant naval warships would see them as “adorable little scamps” and send them on their way.

X-Men 3 Footage From ShoWest

Looks fine, right up until the moment when the Star-Warsesque laser noises start clogging up your eardrums.

Oh and here’s a rundown of the Superman Returns footage that was shown. Sounds pretty decent. I put my faith into three things in this flick: Kevin Spacey, dead Marlon Brando’s voice, and Bryan Singer’s ability to highlight every dude’s pant bulge at any given moment. Beyond that, it’s all a big question mark. Better than the odds on X-3 though, with Ratner at the helm. I’d rather see whatever gay 90-minute compilation of ass/cock shots that a Bryan Singer/Oliver Stone co-directing fest would spit out than whatever shit Ratner is putting into the can.

Time for some videos before I go pound a few carbombs.

• You know Sienna Miller, the chick who’s only famous because Jude Law cheated on her? Well, here she is parading around without her top on. That’ll show him. …and make me happy.
• Must Love Jaws – I gotta admit, I was tired of these trailer re-edits before I even saw one. But this… this is excellent.
• Watch this shit. Right the fuck now.

  I refuse to suffer in solitude. Love is fucking scary.

ILUVYOUILUVYOUILUVYOU!

I have to travel to Loma Linda today for a big meeting of some sort. This saddens me. I particularly enjoyed being blissfully ignorant to this place. All I know is that it’s basically run by Seventh-Day Adventists, which makes the whole place meat-free. Beyond that, it may as well have been Brigadoon to me.

If I could make you all suffer along with me today, I would. No no, don’t mention it. I’m a sharer. I share.

Adriana Lima is apparently going around telling everybody that she’s a virgin. Which… would be a horrible tragedy.

COULD the world’s hottest lingerie model really be a virgin? That’s the mind-boggling claim that’s landed Victoria’s Secret sexpot Adriana Lima on the cover of the new GQ, which dubs her, “The World’s Most Voluptuous Virgin.” In a brief Q&A with writer Lisa DePaulo that accompanies some steamy beach shots of the Brazilian bombshell, Lima says, “Sex is for after marriage. [Men] have to respect that this is my choice. If there’s no respect, that means they don’t want me.” Lima’s pristine state must sure have been maddening for ex-squeezes Derek Jeter and Lenny Kravitz.

Cue Vizzini from Princess Bride: “Inconceivable!”

…you cannot tell me that a universe exists where ^that girl^ has not been fucked. Hard.

If she does strictly anal and oral, then maybe, but I still don’t want to beleive it. It goes against everything I stand for.

Someone needs to do this for the first two. Immediately.