BAMF

I know there have been a lot of reports telling a tale of the future, where Jennifer Love Hewitt is shedding her clothes for the pages of Playboy (I think I even posted something about it) but there’s gotta be more to her upcoming “career” than possibly causing a short-but-sweet jerkoff session in my bathroom followed by 50 years of graceful aging. So I looked her up, and guess what? She’s actually working! That’s right, she’ll be starring in the sequel to 2002’s smash hit Garfield. Oh joy of joys, I can’t wait for the presell! This is going to be an event to behold! Good GOD these pills are fantastic.

Is her show “Ghost Whisperer” fucking cancelled yet? As soon as they can that shit, she’ll be topless faster than you can say “Can’t Hardly Wait.”

For my cousin, the one who witnessed the nude old man last weekend: a treat. He was young enough (I guess) to like Power Rangers like 12 years ago, a fact that I mocked him for incessantly. Now, I would like to present to him some information on a former hero:

• Exhibit A
• Exhibit B
• Exhibit C

That is all.

Thanks for your time.

I dunno why I stayed out of the whole Isaac Hayes/South Park debacle, considering my established stance on scientology. Probably just laziness. But I have to say something now that this old Opie and Anthony clip has been found, where he specifically states that he has no problem with the episode.

If he hasn’t suffered a stroke, and feels that this is the best decision for his career, why does he need a spokesperson to do all the talking for him? Why not silence the rumors and just come out and say it himself? Probably because the poor bastard is probably walking around a flagpole in the high desert right about now.

Someone thinks that Britney Spears is the perfect model for the Pro-Life message? Now that’s irony. (thanks Dave) I think she’s an ideal model for the Malthion X project, personally.

A nude Britney Spears on a bearskin rug while giving birth to her firstborn marks a ‘first’ for Pro-Life. Pop-star Britney Spears is the “ideal” model for Pro-Life and the subject of a dedication at Capla Kesting Fine Art in Brooklyn’s Williamsburg gallery district, in what is proclaimed the first Pro-Life monument to birth, in April.

Dedication of the life-sized statue celebrates the recent birth of Spears’ baby boy, Sean, and applauds her decision of placing family before career. “A superstar at Britney’s young age having a child is rare in today’s celebrity culture. This dedication honors Britney for the rarity of her choice and bravery of her decision,” said gallery co-director, Lincoln Capla. The dedication includes materials provided by Manhattan Right To Life Committee.

That is fucking revolting. It’s disgusting enough to know that she and that mouth breather successfully procreated, let alone have to witness her squeeze that little bloody product of white trash lust out of her gaping loins. Ecch, if Kevin didn’t put out shit like Popozao to keep me entertained (laughing), I’d have to sic the monkey whordes on the entire shoeless clan.

Charlie Sheen officially says “fuck you” to his career.

It appears that actor Charlie Sheen has joined the chorus of conspiracy theorists that believe the attacks on 9/11 are not exactly as America watched unfold on live TV.

“There was a feeling, it just didn’t look any commercial jetliner I’ve flown on any time in my life and then when the buildings came down later on that day I said to my brother ‘call me insane, but did it sorta look like those buildings came down in a controlled demolition’?”

It’s unclear what Sheen believed it would look like as a plane crashed into one of the twin towers or what he believed the buildings would look like as they collapsed.

Actually, nevermind. Crackpot shit like this would never tarnish his shimmering image.

If he were commenting on say, the realism of a hooker’s bedroom performance or the quality of some cocaine, I’d take heed. The realism of a plane crash causing thousands of death, maybe not. Then again, he was in Terminal Velocity, and that’s gotta count for something.

Here’s the ending to the abysmal CD-i game, Link: The Faces of Evil. Sweet Jesus, I get mad just watching the twitchy movements. I want to throw a controller that I’m not even holding.

More Zelda goodness:

• Link: Faces of Evil Intro – Every bit as bad as the ending. Link’s a fucking pushy guy, he’s got less game than Steve Urkel on a bad hair day.
• Crazy Zelda Commercial – Why this would make anyone want to play any game, ever, I’ll never know. It does make me a little horny though, is that bad?
• Zelda CD-I: Wand of Camelon ending – Oh sweet Jesus. I like the one shot/one kill final boss though. They were probably amazed that anyone was even still playing this piece of shit, so why not let them finish as quickly as possible?

  Oh, and the intro is also a treasure.

• Zelda Cartoon: Episode 12 – I bought these on DVD awhile back. I remember Friday being the shiznight, because the normal Super Mario Bros. cartoon was replaced with Zelda, my once a week treat for enduring 5 days of school.
• Zelda Pron – ….you know you’re going to look, you sick fuck.

Grumble Grumble, bitches.

Like many slices, I don’t really know a damned thing about Kristin Cavalleri other than the fact that she was on “Laguna Beach.” I tried watching about ten minutes of that show, as I lived in Laguna Beach for many years and wanted to see if it was accurately represented in this “reality” show.

Yeah… the whole show was full of douchebags and hot bitchy sluts. Sounded about right to me.

I’ve heard from multiple people that none of the shit on that show is real. Wouldn’t surprise me. I’d write more sex and accidental nudity into it though, fucking lazy writers.

Zelda DS: Phantom Hourglass

Dammit I am hard now.

Harrrrr.

She’s certainly a strange chick, but you’ve gotta hand it to Chloe Sevigny… she really likes to take her clothes off. As evidenced by this month’s Purple magazine, which features her, sans clothing. And you can enjoy it now over at SOTD.

If Brown Bunny is to be believed, she can suck a mean dick too. Always a positive trait in a woman.

My mother and grandmother loved that Amerian Idol shit from the start, and I had to listen to both of them drone on about the glory of his high holy spikeyness, Clay Aiken. Every time I’d visit with them, they’d talk about how glorious the little shitstain was, and how they hoped he’d defeat the big fat black dude. I wouldn’t have minded it if my grandmother were more like my grandfather, and laced her hopes with racist terms like “darkie” and “nigger,” but no such luck. I did revel, however, in pointing out his obvious queer nature every time they brought him up. What amazed me was the fact that they would vehemetly deny that he was a pole smoker. It was absolutely baffling to me the level of denial that women will endure just to put someone on a pedistal. I can understand someone denying that Tom Cruise is gay, considering the fact that he’s (supposedly) fucked Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman, but this kid is the living embodiment of every faggot stereotype imaginable. I figured they were an isolated incident, and that at least the rest of America could see that this kid loved the cock.

…but of course, I was wrong, as those Clay Aiken fans are now suing his record label for false representation. Then of course, that dude Simon calls them crazy on Larry King Live, and they just keep digging their own grave.

“We have been dismayed to see our complaint characterized in the media as homophobic. That is not our intention and while central to our complaint it is regrettable that Mr. Aiken’s sexuality has come under scrutiny. Our complaint is not about defaming Mr. Aiken or his sexual preferences. It is directed toward the deceptive practices of the record companies.”

“This is part of a culture of institutional deception behind James Frye, Jason Blair, ENRON, Milli Vanilli, Ashley Simpson and now Clay Aiken. We believe that it is the difference between private behavior versus public responsibility.”

Sweet Margaret’s asshole, what the fuck is wrong with people? How are these bitches even hoping to convince the FTC that they didn’t know of his faggot tendencies prior to these revelations? Were they blind and deaf for the past few years, or were they temporarily stricken with retardation? If the commission uses this complaint for any purpose other than toilet paper, the terrorist win. Plain and simple.

Oh, and sorry Mom, but he’s a queer. …not that there’s anything wrong with that.