BAMF

• Clerks 2 Trailer – So the original ending is totally non-canon then?
• The Simpsons Trailer – I like that it’s essentially a big banner that says “SIMPSONS MOVIE!!” No substance, nothing worth noting really, just a “hey fans, let’s not forget!”
  
  Thanks for the reminder, Fox.

Jesus, it’s a long week on the second day. I need a gun and an alibi.

There’s something in my soul that smiles as bright as the sun when I see annoying people getting hit in the face with fast-moving objects. Enjoy this video of Star Jones experiencing such excellence with me, my internet lovers.

If you’ve been paying attention, you’d have seen me post a couple of Mario Bros. pranks recently. They’re all in good fun, just a bunch of kids making power-up blocks and hanging them around town. Well apparently some teenaged girls in a podunk Ohio town set off a bomb scare by hanging them about town, which caused local residents to overreact.

Looks like you got outta there just in time, Bongy…

Five teenage girls allegedly playing a game they learned about on the Internet could face criminal charges after leaving 17 suspicious packages throughout Ravenna.

“The girls found an Internet site called Mario Question Blocks which told you step by step how the game is played, along with instructions on wrapping the packages, just to see what kind of response you get,” McCoy said. “This game is evidently being played all over the country.”

McCoy said even though no harm was intended by the girls, they could face criminal charges for their actions.

“The potential is always present when dealing with a suspicious package that it could be deadly,” McCoy said. “In today’s day and age, you just cannot do this kind of stuff.”

I love the photo of the fireman disassembling the supposed “bomb” on the steps of the church.

Imagine if the girls had left a couple of Bomb-ombs around town, the shitstorm would have been unimaginable.

You Tell Them Mr. EKO Let You Live!

Two men suspected of helping smuggle cocaine to New York from Mexico inside statues of the Virgin Mary were arrested Thursday, U.S. authorities said.

Peter Matheis, 52, and Rafael Serrano, 36, both Mexican nationals, were indicted in New York and Houston respectively on money-laundering and narcotics charges along with six others arrested previously in the United States, the Drug Enforcement Administration said.

Five 3-foot-tall statues of the Virgin Mary, filled with 242 pounds of cocaine, were seized in a Brooklyn warehouse as part of the police operation.

Do not mistake coincidence for fate.

Grow Your Own 1Up Mushroom

Daddy like. Too bad it’s an April Fools Day prank.

Holy shit, the Star Wars Kid, beloved dork icon and stereotypical fat fanboy, is suing!

On April 10, Ghyslain Raza’s $160,000 lawsuit against three ex-classmates is to be heard by a Quebec Court judge in Trois Rivieres. Raza – who gained notoriety in 2003 as the “Star Wars Kid” – is suing his former classmates for posting a private video of him wielding a mock “light sabre” on the Internet.

Shaheen Sharrif, a McGill professor specializing in education and the law, argues that school principals have a legal duty to stop bullying if they are aware of it. For her doctoral thesis, Sharrif studied more than a dozen cases where parents in the U.S., Canada and England initiated legal proceedings over a case of school bullying. She noticed a trend of school officials failing to enforce their own anti-bullying policies.

Are you fucking kidding me? Didn’t that fat prick get a free iPod out of the deal? What if one girl, just one slutty girl blows him (a la Sharon Stone) in exchange for dropping the charges? I bet we could get one myspace whore to mouthify his wang just so she could blog about it.

Just to refresh your memory, let’s all sit back and enjoy the original video that started it all:

Why doesn’t he just sue Lucas for giving him such a nerdy fetish to begin with? Or Hostess for helping to make him fat enough to be the source of so much mockery? Or his father for not pulling out that night? I’d like to get in on that last one, if you don’t mind. Class action, anyone?

Holy sweet Christmas, they’re putting out the Metal Slug Collection on PSP! I’m very excited in the pantular area.

SNK Playmore USA Corporation announced today that in celebration of the 10th Anniversary of their classic arcade franchise, Metal Slug, they will be releasing the greatest array of Metal Slug titles ever assembled for the PSP system in fall 2006. The Metal Slug Collection will feature six great Metal Slug titles from the past on one UMD. Included in the collection will be Metal Slug, Metal Slug 2, Metal Slug X, Metal Slug 3, Metal Slug 4, and Metal Slug 5.

The Metal Slug Collection will be perfect translations of the arcade classics and feature Wireless support for intense two-player action.

Good God, I need to get to fucking sleep.

Sharon Stone has some words of comfort for all you rape victims out there: you should have blown the guy.

“Her mother was trying to talk to her about not being inappropriately luring. I said, ‘Gee that would look much nicer with a camisole under.’ “Her mother walked away, and I said to the girl, ‘I’d like to give you a two-minute conversation about sex.’ “Young people talk to me about what to do if they’re being pressed for sex? I tell them (what I believe): oral sex is a hundred times safer than vaginal or anal sex.

“If you’re in a situation where you cannot get out of sex, offer a blow job. I’m not embarrassed to tell them.”

This coming from a woman who showed her vagina to every man with eyes on the planet.

Maybe she and Whitney should get together and have a tea party. And by tea party, I mean sodomize one another with toys while doing lines of coke off the bathroom floor.

Occasionally singing crackhead Whitney Houston just might be carrying a crack-addicted baby.

In an interview with Sister 2 Sister magazine, the singer gave the impression that his wife of 14 years was resting at their home in Atlanta, because they were trying for a baby.

Despite the rumours of a split, Brown proudly revealed that the couple is hpoing for a bigger family.

He told the magazine, “I’M hoping that she’s pregnant right now… She’s just resting.”

No word yet on which one of her coke-laced sex toys is the father. We’ll keep you posted.

Scarlett Johansson just got named “Sexiest Woman Alive” by FHM magazine. If I gave a shit what FHM magazine thought, that might mean something. As it stands, it’s really just an excuse for me to ogle the pics from that particular issue. Which, btw, are all right here. Enjoy.

Today has all been favors, favors, favors for other people. At the office, for the woman, for friends, I haven’t done jack shit for myself all day. I’d better be getting free beer and some fierce oral later, or somebody’s getting shot.