BAMF

Charlie Sheen must be having a pretty shitty month, after soon-to-be-ex Denise Richards dropped this bombshell.

Richards said, then shoved her to the ground and screamed, “I hope you f–king die, bitch.” As Richards, 35, tells it, Sheen was angry because she had told her divorce attorney about discovering details of Sheen’s porn-surfing practices. Richards’s declaration, filed in support of her request for a restraining order against Sheen, contends that Sheen “belonged” to “disturbing” sites “which promoted very young girls, who looked underage to me with pigtails, braces, and no pubic hair performing oral sex with each other.” Other sites visited by Sheen, Richards alleges, involved “gay pornography also involving very young men who also did not look like adults.” Richards claims that she also discovered that Sheen “belonged to several sex search type sites” on which he “looked for women to have sex with.” His online profile, Richards adds, included a photo of “his erect penis.”

I’m surprised, really. Not surprised that he does this, nor am I surprised that Denise revealed it. I’m frankly surprised that his sexual tastes aren’t way more fucked up than this. Once you’ve swapped fluids with the kind of scandalously diseased whores and unbelievably hot (and possibly also diseased) supermodels like Sheen has, how can your sexual tastes not lean to the more eclectic. And by eclectic, I’m talking about the kind of stuff that would make the average Japanese businessman by day/bukakke fan by night get a bit squeamish. I don’t know specifically, as my imagination will only let me go so far before I fear that my penis will no longer function properly. Maybe something involving midget clowns, vomit, a three legged gazelle, and Brownie Scouts troop #324.

I was hoping to learn something from Sheen today, now I’m disappointed. I’ll never watch Men At Work with the same enthusiasm again.

I like that Steve Jobs fellow, he’s alright.

In case you hadn’t already heard, Moby is a complete douchebag. I feel bad, because the guy looks like a leukemia case and I’m pretty sure I liked one of his songs like 8 years ago, but he just won’t shut the fuck up. A random visit to his journal turns up any number of factual errors and email forwards disguised as psuedo-intellectual bluster mixed with the odd self-promotional fluff piece. Now it seems that the guy is going to possibly produce Courtney Love’s next album. I’ll spare you the contents of the article, in which he makes every attempt to showcase the fact that he is blissfully ignorant of the actual status of his production possibilities, and skip straight to the bits that made me want to take a crowbar to his “I’m not going bald” bald head.

He added: “It’s actually really well-written songs that are very earnest, very passionate. So I’m sure she’ll make a wonderful record. It’s got a humble strength to it.”

Moby, who will release a career-spanning Best Of compilation later this year, is currently working on two soundtracks – ‘Southland Tales’ and the big screen adaptation of the classic Eighties American cop show ‘Miami Vice’. Speaking about the latter, he said: “It’s very dark and it’s got a lot of pathos to it, so the music is dark and laden with pathos.”

Wow. I respond to these two paragraphs with a quote from one of my favorite compromise chick flicks:

“Where do they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City “Sailor wanna hump-hump” bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here.”

Someone get this blowhard some fucking pills and tell him to calm down. There’s plenty of ten dollar words to go around, he doesn’t need to showcase his “versatility” every time someone shoves a microphone in front of his mug. Earnest and humble my ass, she shows her tits at every available moment and sold Kurt’s livelihood to the highest bidder after she blew his legacy on coke and liquor. That’s how you retire, not how you raise a child. Silly bitch.

OK, continuing with my “high-and-fucking-mighty” trip, I’m going to use this time to bring a few things to your attention:

1. It’s voila. Not wallah, or wolla, or any other retarded alteration. voi·là. Period. End of story. It’s an expression to show that something has been revealed or accomplished. Simple. I know it’s French, but we’ve all come to grips with that fact. I know too many people who use “wallah” instead, which means that it is gaining public support. With enough public support, that will become unofficially accepted. And that, my friends, will cause me to stab you in the fucking eyes with a rusty fork.
2. It’s is a contraction for “it is” or “it has.” Its is a possessive pronoun that means “belonging to it.” Please, for the love of God, try to get this one right a little more often.
3. They’re, their, and there is another common jab in the crotch. They’re is a contraction for “they are.” Their is a possessive pronoun meaning “belonging to them.” There is a place. Like Hell, which is where you should go to if you fuck up theyre, there, or their.

Please, use this page to voice your own grammatical/spelling gripes with the general populace. Maybe someone can learn something today.

You’ve got to appreciate celebrity sex tape day, no matter who the celebrity is. I hadn’t really heard of Carolyn Murphy before, but that’s probably because she’s a faceless nekkid model. So it’s an easy step for her to go from showing her box for Estee Lauder to showing her box getting nailed by her ex husband. It’s up over at SOTD in the members section, but I can’t deprive you.

Man, when girls dance around nude like total fucking idiots, it really gets me hard. Then again, I have some weird fetishes. My therapist cried when I brought up the one about the babies painted like clowns.

Crude Oil: $71 Per Barrel

People with appropriate portfolios should be doing a dance of glee. And many people I know who keep forwarding me those “Boycott Exxon OMFG!@#$” emails will probably throw their arms up in disgust, and suggest some other ridiculous protest that targets companies who are not part of the problem. Since I’m in a feisty mood, let’s throw out a few fuck you’s to people I deem worthy of them.

• My friends who drive hybrid cars. Don’t kid yourselves. You’re not really getting much better gas mileage, you bastards, but you do get to drive in the goddamned carpool lane. And for that, I say “fuck you.”
• Anyone with a corporate gas card/car. The company I work for can barely pay my ass, and you’re zipping around, bobbing your head to “Uptown Girl” with the A/C at full blast on someone else’s nickel. Fuck you.
• Mexicans who pack like a dozen people to a car. If it isn’t enough people to hang off the sides and give me a good laugh, then stick to the standard four or five. Twelve people in a 1987 Dodge pickup does not give you the right to drive in the carpool lane, because those excess burrito-ladened bodies cause your heavily descended vehicle to top out at a whopping 29 MPH. Ditch some weight and put your zapatos on the accelerator. Andele!
• My girlfriend, for having a father who gives her a gas card that he pays for. And one to her Dad, for being too conscientious to let an extra couple of tanks to fill my tiny car slip by on the bill every month.
• Hippies. This isn’t a holly jolly 4/20 is it, you beatnik fucks?
• People who pull up too far at the gas station at one end, when someone has done the same thing at the far end, leaving the middle area not only unused, but impossible to get into without owning a VW Bug or a clown car. I hope a passing spark from that cigarette blows you and your Escalade into a smoldering heap. …after I fill up.
• High-strung investors. This is partially your fault. Try decaf.
• Me. I think I’m so fucking high-and-mighty. What a pompous prick.

I would like to extend the opposite of “Fuck you” to Iran and Venezuela. Let’s all play nice with ourselves and our neighbors so I can drive my shitheap in peace.

Every once in awhile, I get the esteemed privilege to bring you something unbelievably amazing. Today is one of those days. Do not fucking miss this.

And while I’m pretty sure this website isn’t his, it still features some excellent mp3s. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that dude in the top right poster from some shitty 80’s karate flick?

Baby Cruise is Born (thanks Lunamay)

I guess Tom Cruise will be dining on placenta (thanks rckicks) tonight. No word on whether or not Katie Holmes has kept up her vow of silence.

You ever wonder if they’re using all of this negative publicity to cover something terrible up? Who would willingly allow this much bad press to ruin what was previously a glorious career?

You know, his other trailers kind of sucked too. I’ll reserve judgement until I actually see the flick.

…but if you want my opinion, it’ll probably be disappointing.

There’s a new gallery of Kelly Brook up on SOTD from the pages of GQ magazine. All I can say is that Billy Zane does not deserve to fuck that, but I won’t sic Unidor on him. For some reason he made me laugh in Tales From The Crypt: Demon Knight, and I haven’t been able to properly hate him since.

She’s apparently got a little bit of tech know-how too, as she stated in GQ:

“I can’t understand why people would want to make sex tapes. Especially knowing what could happen. Why record it?”If you like to see yourself, just stream it live. Have your tripod, get your video camera and your telly and that way you can watch I as you’re going.’

Wow. There are a lot of streaming things that I’d like to involve Kelly in. Hopefully she’d be down for those as well.