PS3: You And Me

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by on May 10, 2006 @ 4:36 pm

Everyone’s being really hard on the big S this week, but their offerings aren’t all bad. I’ll use this space to highlight a few of the uh… highlights from Sony’s neck of the woods:

  • Warhawk – YES. I’ve been waiting for a new damned Warhawk game forever. Too bad they’ll be taking out all of the really shitty FMV, that was part of the original game’s charm.

    Oh, and thanks Bongweasel for the buzzkill.

  • PS3 Game Prices To Be $70-80 – OK, this isn’t very good news. But… it’s Sony news and this is where it belongs. Oh, and do you know where this price structure belongs?

    That’s right Billy, the correct answer is “Up Ken Kutaragi’s ass.”

  • Resident Evil 5 Announced – It’ll be on the PS3 and 360, not any Nintendo systems. Maybe Sony will pull off some rad PS3-exclusive content or something.

Wii Aren’t Laughing Anymore

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by on @ 4:14 pm

Stupid Nintendo, doing stupid shit that makes you mock them for years and then when they finally roll it out, you salivate over the whole shebang. It’s kind of like that South Park episode where everyone was riding around on the personal movement devices that you had to shove up your ass and blow to control. Yeah, it’s amazing and innovative, but can we eliminate just a little bit of the faggotry?

Well, here’s what’s going to be gleefully shoved up our collective asses later this year. Wiiii!

  • Wii Lightgun Add-on – It’s been awhile since I cared about a light gun game, but I can see actually using this thing.
  • Engadget’s Walkthrough of the Nintendo Booth – Has photos of all of the peripherals, including the dual analog Wii controller designed for retro games.
  • Wii’s Opera Browser – The thing will be on 24/7 downloading developer content, and you’ll be able to surf the web with it. Totally unnecessary, but… kind of cool.
  • Ubisoft Praises Wii, Shuns PS3 – God damn, it’s like international “Everybody Suck Nintendo’s Dick” week. And the problem is, there’s good reason to put your fucking mouth there. So frustrating, but so pleasing at the same time.

If the Wii doesn’t open with Mario going “WHEEEE!” or something, I’ll be sorely disappointed.

E3 Love

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by on @ 2:04 pm

If you’re like me, and don’t want to sift through 8 bajillion news stories to see the boner-inspiring footage from E3, then this post should help you reach maximum stiffness with minimal effort.

  • Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess – Showcasing the Wii version of the game, and how the controller works with it. And uh… the depth of sound idea that they reveal with the controller is actually, I hate to say this, a good fucking idea. Not to mention the tingle of excitement in my loins when the Zelda chime kicked in.

    The game looks amazing, and I’m very very sad that I really really want to shoot a bow and arrow with that stupid looking controller. Especially since I’ll say “Wiiiii!” every time I draw the bow back.

    Oh, and here’s the trailer.

  • Super Mario Galaxy – Um… so yeah, I guess I’m buying a Wii. Fuck!
  • Spore – Bongweasel clued me into this game a lonnnnng time ago, and he hasn’t really shut up about it since. Every time I see a trailer like this, I realize why.
  • Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots – Snake? Snake? SNAAAAAAAAKE!!! *bang*
  • Halo 3 – And now I have to get a 360. My poor wallet.
  • Heavenly Sword – OK, maybe the PS3 will be worthwhile after all.

    …After the second or third price drop.

  • Metroid Prime 3 – I got bored with the first two, but actually pointing and shooting with the controller sounds like fun.

    …or it’ll really fucking hurt after awhile. We’ll see.

  • Final Fantasy XIII – A bit of a modification to the battle system, but the cutscenes are straight up Square-porn. I also appreciate the fact that they’ve given in and made the main character a chick, and not in some girl-power intensive shit like X-2. After all, they’ve been making us play as effeminate characters for the last decade, may as well go whole hog and give him tits and a pussy to match the emo attitude and primped hair.

Alright, the list is getting long. I’ll keep adding them as they come along.

Thus far I’ve barely seen anything worth grabbing some Kleenex® over from the PS3 front. I know it’s still really early in the game for them, but it’s still really early in the game for Nintendo as well, and look at what they’re showing off. Even Mario fucking Hoops looked kinda fun, which really hurts me to say.

Sony: Japanese For “Woman-like Logic”

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by on @ 12:08 pm

If you haven’t heard about the Sony press conference yesterday, you’re sorely out of the loop. The big S revealed the pricing structure for the PS3, which a lot of people had speculations about. The rumors of a huge price hike ran rampant, while dedicated Sonyers held tight to the hopes that the price would sail in under the smoothly affordable mark.

And then, of course, Sony shit all over those hopes. The price point for the two versions of the PS3 are as follows:

  • PlayStation 3 w/ 20GB HDD – US$499
  • PlayStation 3 w/ 60GB HDD – US$599

Mind you, the “cheaper” PS3 is about as complete as 99% of the Rubicks cube’s ever purchased, but it sure is nice of them to offer us a nearly-completely crippled option for a hundred bucks less. Aside from the 40 Gig drop, you’re also dropping memory stick, Wi-Fi, and 1080p support. Why not just sell us a white racing stripe to put down the side of the PS2 instead, because considering all the hype surrounding those features, that’s what you may as well be playing.

Then you’ve got the revolutionary (irony coming in a second) controller design. Thank God, they finally realized that we didn’t want to play with a miniature boomerang. But of course, it’s the third console and about time to revamp that archaic design, right? What can we expect for our hard-earned shekels?

Brilliant. And no rumble functionality either. Sony states that this is due to the intereference with the Bluetooth, but there are a few other theories on its exclusion.

All in all, a totally underwhelming (and slightly angering) opening from Sony. After you pay for taxes and buy a single game, the console is going to cost a MINIMUM of $720 just to get started. Meanwhile the Xbox 360 is pretty much identical, has Xbox Live already up and running, and a slew of games by the time the PS3 hits the shelves. Then of course, you have the Wii, which actually looks like it might have some fun games for a cheap price. Somehow Sony is setting itself up for a severe kick to its tiny Japanese balls, and I’m just wondering why the “visionaries” who retooled the industry are now busy playing catch up.

*sigh*

I’ll still buy one though. Miserable cocksuckers.