BAMF

Paris Hilton made the Guinness Book of World Records. That’s no fucking joke, she’s going to be in the 2007 book, and it has nothing to do with being a whore. Well, nothing directly to do with being a whore…

Ms. Hilton has made it into the 2007 Guinness Book of World Records, but it may not be for a reason she’d particularly enjoy. While Britney Spears or Tom Cruise were probably somewhere close behind, Paris takes the crown for our favorite record ever — Most Overrated Person.

A spokesperson for the book says it took its info from a number of magazine polls. Readers voted on their least favorite and most overrated celebrity and Hilton’s name kept coming up on top.

…

Seriously, even if this is a slam on Paris, what damage do you think this will do to her vapid little psyche? Telling her that she’s overrated is like going back to 1988 and telling David Hasselhoff that he has a mullet. …or wait, shit, it’s like going back to yesterday and telling him that he has a mullet, but that’s besides the point. She knows that she’s overrated, she’s practically built her “career” around that simple fact. That and her whoreness. So giving her an “ironic” award in an attempt to slam her is basically just another notch on her incredibly notch-resistant bedpost, because I’m pretty sure that she knows why she is famous, and why we pay attention. Fuck, she put out an entire music album thanks to the fact that she can party like a hobag and will fuck on camera. I can name quite a few ex-girlfriends that share similar qualities, minus the millions of dollars in a trust fund somwhere. And they aren’t recognized by Guinness in the slightest. Except for Alicia, but that’s for reasons that stay between me and my therapist.

The point is, let her fucking die off until she puts out another sex video. Please. Because… because we need another one.

Witness, my friends, the only assholes stupid enough to guess the joke answer on Double Dare. Those kids must be grown up by now, and if I were them, I’d kick my dad in the balls for allowing such humiliation. Then I’d kick my mom in her balls for mating with such a foul cretin.

*sigh* Then on with the suicide.

Man oh man, Lindsay Lohan has some excellent milksacks. She just had to go ahead and give us a preview of them while getting into her car, so… enjoy.

Seriously, she’s going to wind up a big fucking coke whore and she’s about as useful as Lance Armstrong’s other nutsack, but holy crap do I love looking at Lindsay Lohan in compromising situations. Hopefully she decides to take this Paris/Lindsay rivalry to the next level, and put out a bigger, longer, better sex tape than her blonde slut counterpart.

It has seriously been a long-ass time since I was able to report on stuff to buy, and I’m pretty excited that there are actually DVDs and other consumer goods worth laying down my hard-earned shekels to obtain. This week is a special week for me, because a DVD set that I’ve been waiting (no joke) since 2001, when the first season was released. So without further ado, I shed a tear for the greatest season of one of the greatest shows of all time:

• The Simpsons: Season 8 – Oh sweet Jesus, I praise thee for this season of the Simpsons. I would burn down the senior citizens home from Cocoon just to get this boxed set to my doorstep one single day sooner. Let me break down for you, why this is THE season of the show to own.
  1. You Only Move Twice – Hank. Fucking. Scorpio. One of the top 5 episodes of all time. Homer goes to work for the nicest Bond villain ever. I can’t even submit a favorite quote from this episode, I’d wind up stating the entire goddamned thing verbatim.
  2. Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment – The “Beer Baron” episode. Also a top 5 episode of all time.

     “Goin’ bowling! Not back, avenge death!”

  3. Ozmodiar.
  4. Johnny Cash.

     “IN YOUR FACE, SPACE COYOTE!”

  5. Just read about the rest of the episodes. Almost every single episode of season 8 is amazing. If you don’t agree, go fuck yourself with the glaive from Krull.
• Apocalypse Now – 2 Disc Dossier Edition – Do I need to say anything else about this? Go buy it.
• Final Fantasy: Dirge of Cereberus – I don’t know if it’s going to be any good, but hey, it’s Final Fantasy and I’m a consumer whore. Especially for Square.

Short list, but hey, it’s something. Which is more than I can say about the last few months. Besides, I’ll be too busy watching Simpsons Season 8 over and over again to notice that everything else is shit.

I’m seeing Brian Regan, a comedian that my gf turned me onto, later this month. I was perusing youtube looking for some of his stuff today, and found his Comedy Central special and figured that you all might appreciate his style.

We may as well use this space to talk about comedians we enjoy, because… well, Mitch Hedberg died and it’ll take a few dozen comedians to fill that void. I’ve supplied one, so let’s get crackin’ on the rest.

So the FedEx driver came by this afternoon with a package, but it required certified payment. IE: I need to go get a freakin’ money order, and pay FedEx directly. Grand. The driver was a nervous little fellow, told me that it was his first week, which should have been the first red flag. He told me that if I wanted the package sooner, he could either come back or I could meet him across the street (where my bank and FedEx/Kinkos reside) between 3 and 4PM when he stopped here for his break. I told him that, since I’d be across the street anyway, I’d just pop into his branch and nab it from him.

It is now 3:35, and I finally resorted to purchasing internet access to pass the time. It’s funny, because the guy already apologized to me profusely for his unprofessional manner, and noted that he was nervous due to his first week and was hopeful for his future career with the company. I can’t go home and wait for redelivery because I noted that on the hang tag, it had been stated that I would pick it up. This means that the package will, after today, be on its way to a real FedEx location about 20 minutes away. So now, angered though I may be, there lies the conundrum:

Do I make up some bullshit to his superiors stating that he was clearly high/drunk when arriving at my house, or merely resort to viciously reaming him in front of the store when he arrives?

Ohmibod.com

These motherfuckers are going to be rich.

Look, I’ve got a rather long rant below about this Jack Thompson vs. Adam Sessler video, but for the sake of brevity I’m going to break it down into simple terms for you: as “common sense” as it may seem, you can’t fight this jackass with opinions. If he were arguing that the moon were made of cheese, you would need hard fucking evidence to the contrary, because he’s a lawyer. He’s going to have a research study proving that there is in fact a high concentration of lactose in the goddamned moon rocks. As asinine as it all sounds, he’d have you over a barrel.

OK, now onto my thoughts, which I’ve transcribed from the forum for you.

A lot of people are cheering on Sessler in this little debate. To those folks I pose this question: What interview were you watching? Sessler stated opinions rather than fact. Thompson is a lawyer, and used real facts and figures in order to deliver his rather retarded message to the masses. If this were a court of law, Sessler would have been spanked and Thompson would have walked out with the win in under a few minutes. While we all sit around and argue about the ridiculousness of his statements, Thompson is going around gladhanding politicians, digging up research, and getting funding for research studies that prove his point. You can’t come at a lawyer with opinions and “common sense” statements, no matter how right they may seem. He’ll always have some fact or figure to throw out in response.

I feel bad that this is the best representation that the gaming community can muster against this guy.

Gaming companies recently got their shit together and, much to our chagrin, canned the overindulgent spectacle that was E3. They also got their shit together in the past and attempted to put a self-regulating board in place to rate and monitor game content. This prick, who should be powerless other than the fact that we give him a voice by acknowledging him and making him more famous, is threatening that ability to self regulate.

If the industry has any brains, or balls, or both, it will come together in recognition of the problem that they have allowed to come to fruition and do something about it. Get a goddamned lawyer poster boy to fight for the industry. Get the ESRB back into the limelight and discussing the topics. Acknowledge that while violent games do cause an increase in agression they don’t necessarily lead to an increase in violence or violent behavior. Get some studies done, get some facts on paper. Get moving.

But then again, just knowing a few dozen people from as many game companies and publishers over the years, it’ll take massive destruction before anyone mobilizes and gets into gear. So we’ll keep debating Thompson on his turf in his arena and losing ground, while he continues to build evidence that leads us to 1984-like control over our content. So really, it’s the industry’s choice. Continue languishing in apathy all the while giving this jagoff more power by fighting him in a battle that he will consistently win, or take his voice away by doing something positive for itself.

Tucker Max: The Midget Story

Say what you will about Tucker Max, the fucker leads a charmed and interesting life. This story makes my heart sing with happiness, thanks to comments like this:

See, this is why you need good friends. When you have a chance to fuck a midget, they’ll let you use their place. That should be one of the measures of how good a friendship is: Will your buddy let you fuck a midget in his bed? If the answer is yes, then you know that dude is solid.

I’m pretty sure that last bit should have been in the Bible, or at least Sun Tzu’s “Art of War.”