BAMF

For a girl who’s talents I completely do not appreciate, nor acknowledge, Beyonce Knowles still has other talents that I am interested in. Soft talents. Fleshy talents. …soft, fleshy talents.

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psst…. I was talking about her boobs.

*Update* Hey, how about trying this post with an actual working link. That’s just one benefit of your new badassmofo.com, now with 27% less brain damage.

How did I not hear about the new Electric Six album, Switzerland? I had to hear it from the forum people, the forum.

I’m going to listen to this a few times. In the meantime, I want you to sit there and think about what you’ve done. Or haven’t done.

MPAA Uses Trained Dogs To Sniff Out Pirated DVDs

…and then remembers that they don’t smell any different than legitimate DVDs.

Everyone should know by now that I’ve got a Superman fetish. This usually raises an eyebrow or two from various girlfriends, but it makes book purchases much more simple. The other day for example, the girl and I were picking out books for the trip… well, I was… and I stumbled upon It’s Superman: A Novel. I actually really enjoyed this one. It takes a lot of liberties with the storyline, but it makes for a really great story. Much darker than anything canon, and it sets the stage back in the early thirties. Clark is less of a boyscout, Lois is a typical woman, and you can almost empathize with Lex Luthor’s complete contempt for humanity. Well, I do anyway.

Next on my list to pick up is World War Z, which has been discussed quite a bit in the forums lately. Zombie War, mayhem and carnage, sounds right up my alley. Plus it’s been optioned by Paramount and possibly Brad Pitt, so you can get ahead of the curve and be all cool, like people who had read Fight Club before it was filmed. Lousy jerks, think they’re so great.

Finally, an excuse to use my poorly-photoshopped “Screech flipping the bird” image again. It seems that Dustin Diamond, chess mogul and former landowner in Wisconsin (I think) has been caught with his pants down. And defecating, somewhat, in his very own porno film.

Hold your vomit until later.

Everyone who remembers Diamond as a lovable putz is in for a shock once they see a 40-minute video in which he engages in a kinky three-way with two women, sources tell us.

We can’t get too graphic here, but word is that the action includes some bodily functions and an act known as a “Dirty Sanchez.”

Phoenix-based agent David Hans Schmidt, who has brokered some of Hollywood’s biggest celebrity-skin deals, confirms that he’s acquired the rights to a tape featuring Diamond.

“Just when you think you have seen everything in this business,” he tells us, “mankind has raised the bar another notch. Or lowered it.”

Eh, my childhood has already been given the dirty sanchez by life, it may as well be peed on and buried.

*Update* There’s a video preview. SFW, thank God.

There’s a lovely new Jennifer Lopez set up over at SOTD. Nice to see that her caboose is still fapworthy at times.

And just in case that didn’t float your boat, here are some of Midway’s Arcade Treasures free to play online. Rampage, Defender, Joust… it makes these ol’ britches of mine very happy.

Britches, you like that? I got that one up in hicksville, consider it a gift.

OK, Bongweasel… I need to know how to get this PSP PS1 emulator running on mine, which would make it useful for the first time in months.

Not that I need more distractions. I decided to beat Advanced Wars DS on the hard level, and I have a 62″ television. Sleep at this point is just a luxurious distraction from my life’s work.

Nothing like arriving at home, realizing that you forgot to put a parking pass in the car, and then having to foot a $450 towing/storage bill.

Then again, our new TV arrived while I was away, so I’m now posting this while sitting in front of 62″ of high-definition glory. Tragically, I no longer have any excuse for not purchasing an Xbox 360 and a subscription to Xbox Live. This means that Captain Terror will finally get what he’s been asking Santa for going on two years: a serious online beatdown courtesy of yours truly.

As for the trip, I had an excellent time. After being assured that next year’s visit will come after the house is wired for broadband, I can say with all confidence that I’ll truly enjoy going up there for many years to come. There’s something to be said about being able to take a walk for miles and not encounter another human being, just for a little while. My sister and I decided to traverse the mountain that encompasses a large portion of the property, which was no easy task. It’s a fairly steep incline that consists mainly of loose terrain, pokey trees and jagged rocks. Thankfully, there’s a fire road that leads back down the damned thing, otherwise I would have had to murder my sibling and use her corpse as a makeshift sled. Here are a couple of pictures so you can get the basic idea.

So just imagine me, whatever you think I look like, peering down upon all creation with contempt. The place is pretty amazing, but if you’re not the kind of person who can stand peace, quiet, and non-city living (my girlfriend discovered that she is definitely not) then this is a vacation filled with excruciating boredom and anxiety. For a guy who is excruciatingly bored and anxious back home, it was a welcome change of pace for a few days. Next time I hope to use a lot more of the destructive machinery lying around the farm, (is it a farm if they don’t grow or raise a damned thing?) before I become too old to truly enjoy the simple pleasures of chainsawing the bejeezus out of everything in sight.

…oh, and here’s the TV. I don’t expect I’ll move much this week.

You never really appreciate softcore porn until you’ve seen those boobies rendered at 150% of their real life size.

I don’t really know anything about Maggie Grace other than her stint on “Lost.” But since the show is starting up in a week or two, minus her corpse (ooh spoiler nooo!) I feel that it is time to update her gallery. And secretly, I also feel that if you don’t appreciate it I’ll just die.

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*waits hopefully for kudos.