BAMF

The time has come. Dump all of your stock. Sell your home. Grab your children and run to the nearest bomb shelter, because I’m about to drop one upon your unwitting asses. If we live in a world where Britney Spears can divorce Kevin Federline, I just don’t know what to beleive in anymore. Up becomes down, left becomes right, anal becomes oral. We truly live in a world of chaos.

TMZ obtained the legal papers, filed today in Los Angeles County Superior Court, citing “irreconcilable differences.” In her petition, Spears asks for both legal and physical custody of the couple’s two children, one-year old Sean Preston and two-month old Jayden James, with Federline getting reasonable visitation rights.

As for money, sources tell TMZ the couple, who married in Oct. 2004, has an iron-clad prenup. Not surprisingly, Spears is waiving her right to spousal support. She’s also asking the judge to make each party pay their own attorney’s fees.

Spears gives the date of separation as yesterday, the same day she flaunted her incredible revamped physique during a surprise appearance on David Letterman’s show. Sources tell TMZ there was no single reason for Britney pulling the plug, rather, it was “a string of events.”

So yet again, Unidor has swept in to save the day. Too bad he didn’t get here prior to her fattening, redneck baby producing marriage, but the guy has a busy schedule. Now Britney can flaunt that newly-repolished physique on the covers of some magazines. Hopefully the kind that children under the age of 18 are not allowed to purchase.

RCKicks13 sent in some news about the CMA awards, which is a good thing, since I didn’t even know there was such an event. It’s like someone decided that the Grammys weren’t worthless enough, so they spun it off with a mildly retarded redheaded stepbrother.

You can see here that Faith Hill is none too pleased that Carrie Underwood (I thought she was an actress) beat her out for Best Redneck with an X Chromosome of the Year.

There’s a lot of debate surrounding this video, I’ve found through 30 seconds of curious googling. And do you know who doesn’t give a shit? I’ll give you a hint: he’s devilishly handsome, unbelievably charming, and will one day drink wine out of a goblet fashioned from your very skull.

You guessed it, Frank Stallone.

Here are the first six ass-rocking minutes of Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny. Hold on to your anus.

That kid is the most bitchin’ young Jables we could have hoped for.

Oh, and you should set your DVR to record “Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Duel” on MTV on Thursday, November 9th at 10PM. No, I’m not fucking insane, that’s when Sony will debut the new Spiderman 3 trailer. Hopefully it will be better than the last one. Like… a lot beter.

My nether regions are all a-tingle from the impending arrival of the holiday season. Not because I’m a festive, jolly supporter of the winter season, but because there are about 8 bazillion games coming out that make my pants do the morning chubby dance. I’m already behind schedule, with Bully at only 30% and Final Fantasy XII lustfully calling out my name from its packaging, but that doesn’t stop me from getting excited about every other bit of goodness that the Christmas rush plans to dump into my lap.

Of course, the Wii is pretty much on top of every console gamer’s to-do list on November 19th. And to whet everyone’s appetites, here’s the latest lowdown on everything that will make you feel good about looking silly while swinging your hands around in the air like a jackass:

• Wii Screenshot Extravaganza
  Aside from the obvious choices, I’m really excited at the prospect of Red Steel, so I can have one of those sword swingin’ titles from the arcade in the comfort of my living room. I’m sure that my neighbors will appreciate hearing the crowd from my place excitedly shouting “YES! STAB THAT SLANTY EYED FUCKER RIGHT IN THE FACE!” They’ll probably assume that I’m attempting to kill and dispose of the little woman.

  Thankfully, Japanese women are as good at reading as they are at driving, so she’ll never see this. …moving on.

• Bigass Zelda: TP Review
  Another Bigass Zelda: TP Review
  The consensus? It’s amazing, it’s at least 50-70 hours long, and your arms do not get tired while playing it. Not to mention the fucking sexy widescreen format.

  The reviewers estimate that with all of the sidequests and whatnot, you’re looking at 100 hours of amazingly grand gameplay. At this point, I’d say that I could stab an infant with a fork just to steal the Wii out of his still-unformed little fingers.

• How will you get a Wii, you might ask? Here’s a breakdown of launch day events at the big chains:

  Wal-Mart – (Midnight opening)
  Best Buy – (Limited midnight/early openings)
  Target – (8AM openings, free popcorn/soda for line-ups)
  Circuit City – (Some midnight openings)
  Toys R Us – (Open at 10AM)

  Some other options, such as Costco, are good for people who have such memberships. If you’re looking for a traditional game store, such as EB or Gamestop, you’re shit out of luck. Those places sold out of preorders a long while ago, and won’t sell to the general public until all preorders have been fulfilled.

• Doogie Howser is gay.
  …wait, how did that get in here?

  Although it does bring new meaning to the quote “Dude, I humped every piece of ass that was ever on that show.”

• Nintendo World Tour Videos
  A lot of hands-on coverage of pretty much every game coming out for the Wii.
• Oh, and the component cables we all so desperately desire will NOT be online-only.

  480p, here I come. Or here Wii come. Ha ha ha! Ha…. heh. Hmm.

*Whew*

Alright, I need to get back to spiting everything and playing Final Fantasy XII, but if you’ve got anything interesting to share, please use the little Submit News button up there.

Seriously. I actually do read that shit.

“Good afternoon, my lovelies.

Sorry I’ve been away so long. ….I won’t let you down again.”

So we were hacked. Shit went crazy. Lives were lost.

We must, in the name of all that is good and sexy, press on.

Annnd we’re on.

A clip from Tom Green’s internet show, featuring a nitrous-huffing Steve-O talking about… fucking. A wide variety of it.

And in other news of self-aware douchebaggery, here’s the video of K-Fed getting his staged bodyslam on WWF Raw last night.

…*tap*

I can’t believe I’m going to say this but… you might want to watch WWF Raw tonight. Because among the normal stable of rehearsed action, soap-opera quality drama, and dudes sweating all over one another, you’ll get to see someone harm Kevin Federline.

During a taped episode of “Monday Night RAW” last night in Los Angeles, Federline made a surprise appearance in the ring and received a chorus of boos from the sold-out crowd at the Staples Center. After an argument between K-Fed and Cena got a little physical, Cena unleashed his signature move — the F-U slam — on Mr. PopoZao.

Also, you may not have caught his amazing appearance on CSI. This combination of roles leads me to beleive that the guy truly accepts his lot in life. He’s the luckiest piece of white trash on the planet, and most people generally wish him physical harm. He is obliging. Maybe someone should buy him a beer.

…After he gets hurt a couple more times, of course.

If any of you want to try a fun project over the weekend that will leave you screaming in anger and frustration, I have a suggestion. Try installing Windows Server 2003 onto an unpartitioned fresh-out-of-the-box server with no CD-ROM drive, using only a USB Hard Drive and a lot of prayer.

I’m still waiting for the prayer part to kick in.

My intention, dear reader, has always been to use this site as a means to entertain, inform, entice, and in all cases possible, openly mock. Unfortunately, I’ve been sick all week, coughing up horrible atrocities all over my friends and loved ones. All the while, I’ve had to prepare for about a month’s worth of work crammed into a 2 week timespan. This left little time for me to get my thoughts and outright hatred onto a computer screen, until now. So I apologize, if you’ve felt deprived of your usual quota of spite this week. As one of my favorite poets so eloquently stated: “I love hate, and hate everything else” and therefore I have an acute loathing for anything that deprives me of sharing this with you.

To get things back into gear, I’d like to share with you a tale that involves something that I actually enjoy: my new television. My cousin and I had a running bet as to who would be the first to purchase the abomination that was Brett Ratner’s X-Men III, a bet that I knew was an easy win for the home team. My good friend and blood relative called to concede defeat sometime this weekend. He was ashamed. He had gone to Target, seen the “special edition” that was on sale, and his will was subsequently broken. This call was immediately followed with an extremely satisfying addendum: when he opened the case he found a sealed copy of the Jim Cameron masterpiece: Terminator 2: Judgement Day.

I suggested to him that this was indeed the will of God, and that perhaps he had been spared a far more dire fate by being given this opportunity to cleanse his collection of such rubbish. Since he already owned a copy of the 1994 Schwarzenegger film, he told me to shut the fuck up and returned it.

We watched it the other night. He, drunk off his ass; I, hopped up on the Nyquil®. And we came up with this startling discovery: the movie is ten times as bad the second time. It was awful. It was laughable. It was only enjoyable on the basest of “MST3K” levels. It was the first time that I could not find a single deleted scene on a DVD that would have added value to a film.

This brings me, my interweb friend, to the real reason for this post. And that is a deleted scene that made us both fall out of our chairs, gasping at our chests in hysterics. An homage so terrible that it made me wish horrifying death upon all who participated in its creation. Unfortunately, the only verision I could find involves a voiceover from someone (I’m assuming Ratner) explaining the inspiration for such a travesty. Share in the hate with me, my brothers:

…

I hate you Brett. Thank you for that.