BAMF

Thanks to Halfazedninja for pointing out that this new red band Kick-Ass trailer featuring Hit Girl existed.

This movie gets me all excited in my nether regions, and not because underage girls are using words like “cunt.”

If you haven’t heard of Kick-Ass, the flick is based off of an excellent Mark Millar comic by the same name, and I’m hoping that it does the series justice. Don’t let the trailer discourage you, it’s going to be hilarious. Here’s some proof:

And because there are a couple more videos, I’m going to go ahead and use the nifty “Read More” feature. The least you can do is humor me and click on it.

Wait… would that be Frankentits are back in action? I mean its a nickname, but they directly reference her two… nevermind. Tara Reid was in Playboy, which seems like a terrible, terrible idea when you consider her horrifically mangled mammaries. Thankfully, she seemed to have some emergency Photoshop surgery prior to this shoot. I’ve used geometry and her American Pie co-“star” Jason Biggs’ head to illustrate my point:

It seems that Ms. Reid’s nipples have diminished along with Biggs’ career, though not in equal proportions. If they were shrinking in tandem, Tara’s tits would be bald and the single-toned alien look that the Playboy airbrushers were going for would be complete.

The Iron Man 2 trailer is online in HD over at Apple, in case for some ridiculous reason you’ve come here three days after I’ve posted this and have not yet seen it. Get with the times, you out-of-touch bitch.

If you’re like me, and God help you if you are, you have a severe case of loathing for any and all things Twilight related. Well, except for the Rifftrax version of that first flick, which was brilliant. It’s not so much the glittering vampires, the terrible acting, or that Pattinson kid’s hair (though those things make me recoil with my sternest frown) but the fact that this bitch author has made mountains of cash off of what amounts to a Harlequin romance novel with better marketing.

These bullshit vampires are the perfect men, they’re the best looking people in school, super strong (so as to protect you from runaway vans) and when they get a high school crush, it’s for fucking life. But hold on ladies, don’t worry about this bastard getting too clingy, he’s flighty and mysterious enough to keep you pining for him, and the times you do spend with him are either intensely passionate or filled with panties-moistening danger. Fat house-fraus love that shit.

But now, I finally have a reason to appreciate this series. In case you hadn’t heard, there’s a fourth book out called “Breaking Dawn.” And in this book, my friends, the main chick Bella and her vampire boyfriend get married, honeymoon on his private tropical island, and he fucks her unconscious. No shit, to the point that her business is left badly bruised. Then he gets her pregnant, the baby kicks so hard it breaks her ribs and severs her spine, and when it gets delivered by emergency vampire-tooth C-section, the werewolf guy falls in love with it at birth.

These are only the highlights of the story, I highly recommend you check out the full rundown over at CHUD, which elaborates in hilarious detail. If the end result of this ridiculous series is a flick where Kristen Stewart gets banged so hard she nearly dies, and gets her spine kicked out by her own halfbreed baby, I’m in. Those two things alone secure my ten fifty on opening night.

Nokia Officially Announces Death of the N-Gage

And in other shocking news that should have been released in 2004, the housing market is about to collapse and the Red Sox are about to break the curse.

Captain Lou Albano, otherwise known as Mario and the guy from those Cyndi Lauper videos, died today. In his honor, I will be drinking myself retarded and embarrassing myself by “doing the Mario” at the bar all night.

All together now!

I didn’t think that “health care reform” would bring out the Gollum in people, but apparently it has.

California authorities say a clash between opponents and supporters of health care reform ended with one man biting off another man’s finger.

Ventura County Sheriff‘s Capt. Frank O’Hanlon says about 100 people demonstrating in favor of health care reforms rallied Wednesday night on a street corner. One protester walked across the street to confront about 25 counter-demonstrators.

O’Hanlon says the man got into an argument and fist fight, during which he bit off the left pinky of a 65-year-old man who opposed health care reform.

A hospital spokeswoman says the man lost half the finger, but doctors reattached it and he was sent home the same night.

Stay classy leftards.

Guess Her Muff. (thanks Billy Ray)

Highly entertaining, in case you aren’t a fan already. Some updates are really hot, others are really hilarious. Sometimes you just don’t see those MILF clit adornments coming.

And is kinda succeeding.

A city panel in charge of overseeing marijuana possession crimes in Denver recommended on Wednesday that the fine for possession be set at $1.
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If Denver’s presiding judge accepts the recommendation from the Denver Marijuana Policy Review Panel, the fine would be the lowest in the entire nation for marijuana possession.

“By setting the fine at just $1, we are sending a message to Denver officials that the era of citing adults for using a less harmful drug than alcohol is over. It’s simply not worth the city’s time or resources,” said panel member and SAFER Executive Director Mason Tvert, who coordinated the successful Denver marijuana initiatives.

I really can’t hate on you at all, Denver. You’ve got hoop dreams, and you’ve got ’em bad.