BAMF

Excerpts of O.J.’s “If I Did It” have been uncovered by Newsweek. And hey, the guy has some very informative educated guesses on how to murder two people and get away with it. Who would have known?

Simpson writes that his ex-wife came at him like a “banshee.” She loses her balance and falls hard, her head cracking against the ground. Goldman assumes a karate stance, further angering Simpson. He dares the younger man to fight. Then, in the book, Simpson pulls back. He writes, “Then something went horribly wrong, and I know what happened, but I can’t tell you exactly how.”

Simpson writes that when he regains control of himself, he realizes he is drenched in blood and holding a bloody knife. Both Nicole and Goldman are dead. Simpson heads back to the alley but before getting into the Bronco to flee, strips down to his socks. He rolls his bloody clothes and the knife into a small pile. (That’s an important detail. The police never recovered those clothes or the murder weapon, but they did find Simpson’s socks—with Nicole’s blood on them—at the foot of his bed at his Rockingham estate.)

Let me paraphrase a breakdown of his tips for scot-free killin’, just for the sake of time and interest:

1. Kill whitey(s).
2. Get nekkid’.
3. Hide clothes and murder weapon.
4. Have shitloads of money.
5. Hire Johnny Cochrane (you shit outta luck here, nigga… he dead.)
6. Get African-American community to forget your cheatin’, wife-beatin’, white-girl humpin’ ways and support your new church-goin’, repentant, chocolate-ass lovin’ lifestyle.
7. Win trial, then flip-flop on new sorry-ass lifestyle. Satellite TV should be free!

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Wow… Just… Wow.

Bongweasel shared with me, and now I share with you.

Description of Spider-Man 3 Footage From CES

Normally I wouldn’t bother reading a description of something, but this one sounds pretty fucking cool. Hopefully the movie doesn’t suck like Spider-Man 2 did.

Yeah, that’s right. I said Spider-Man 2 sucked nerds, what the fuck are you gonna do about it?

Nintendo Posts $1 Billion Profit For 2006

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Why can’t Nintendo adopt poor African children like Angelina Jolie? And by poor African children, I mean poor Crackerassed me.

Hmmm… There’s something familiar about this press release:

Sony, Warner’s To Release 200 Movies in Blu-ray High-Def – 1/10/2007

Judging from announcements made Monday at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, a veritable flood of movies will be released this year on Sony’s Blu-ray DVD format. Sony’s own corporate sibling, Sony Films, said that it plans to release up to 100 movie titles this year. Warner Bros. said it is likely to reduce a similar number of films, while the smaller Lionsgate Studios said that it plans to offer about 40-50 titles.

Hold on, wait for it…

Sony, Warner Team Up To Release Over 100 UMDs Through 2005/06 – 11/1/2005

Warner Home Video became the latest major studio to announce that it will release products using the Universal Media Disc (UMD) format. The news bolsters what has been an impressive series of events for the PSP (PlayStation Portable) and it sibling UMD format in recent weeks.

Hmm… closer. Getting much closer.

Sony Excited For Release Of LV-1901 Trinitron/Betamax Console – 4/1/1975

Akio Morita, patriarch of Japanese giant Sony, announces that the Betamax format is “here to stay,” and that competing technologies will be crushed under its might.

There. That’ll do.

Evil Homer felt compelled to share the latest ridiculous product approved by the FDA: Anti-Obesity Pills…. For Dogs.

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“This is a welcome addition to animal therapies, because dog obesity appears to be increasing,” said Stephen Sundlof, D.V.M., Ph.D., director of FDA’s Center for Veterinary Medicine. “Veterinarians are well aware that overweight pets are at a higher risk of developing various health problems, from cardiovascular conditions to diabetes to joint problems.”

Adverse reactions associated with treatment with Slentrol include vomiting, loose stools, diarrhea, lethargy and loss of appetite.

To discourage human use, the label of Slentrol includes the standard warning, “Not for use in humans. Keep this and all drugs out of reach of children,” and cites adverse reactions associated with human use, including abdominal distention, abdominal pain, diarrhea, flatulence, headache, nausea and vomiting.

Seriously… I mean seriously. I know there are exceptions to this, but if you can’t keep a dog in good shape, should you be allowed to care for any being other than yourself, if that? Shit, if you’re going to put your dog on weight loss medication, why not just adopt a child and screw up their lives instead? I mean if you’re going to be a fuckup, go whole hog as a fuckup. Don’t limit your potential damage to a canine, you have endless destructive possibilities my idiot friend. God is calling upon you to share that gift with the world.

“To discourage human use,” Jesus. It stands to reason that a fat idiot would have a fat idiot dog too, why not share the medication if you’re sharing your leftover table scraps from that extra large pizza that you so lovingly call “your individual” size.

Previously, the only Apple to get me hard was Fiona. Oh and that one time with the box of Apple Jacks, but I think that was just puberty and bad timing. But now the trend has been cocked up by Steve and his pretentious looking cronies.

Apple TV – HDMI, WiFi, Intel, 40GB (Hard)

Apple Unveils The iPhone (Harder)

If it plays all of the formats that I desire, that Apple TV is going to look pretty slick in my entertainment center. I’ve been plotting to put together a little media center machine for all of these purposes, but laziness (and new game consoles) have deterred me from accomplishing this goal. If Apple wants to charge me $300 to do the whole shebang for me, kudos to them.

Bruce Campbell to be the new spokesman for “Old Spice.”

Until they can figure out how to stuff pure fucking awesome into a can that you can drink on the go, this particular endorsement will have to do for ol’ Bruce.

NASA Finds Life On Mars, Kills It

That’s the ticket. Steven Spielberg has spent a lot of time and money to convince us that alien life is cute, cuddly, and loves our most peanut-buttery of terran candies. I say fuck that peace loving bullshit, blow them out of the fucking sky or wherever they come from. Then we can analyze the smoldering bits and determine whether or not their females were hot and had compatible orifices, and move forward appropriately.

If you haven’t seen Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang, then I feel incredibly sorry for you. Even if you’re a fuckin’ idiot and don’t enjoy the movie, you’ll definitely appreciate seeing Michelle Monaghan in half of her naked glory. But for now, this HQ gallery update should suffice.

Paint fumes (from our repainting) and Grandma’s Boy make for a good afternoon off from work.