BAMF

Honesty time here. I have been neglecting this site, and since nothing happens without a reason, I feel that it may be time to offer some sort of explanation. I’ve been having some health problems, and there’s been this sinking suspicion that my predilection towards mocking the pain and suffering of others for so many years has led to karmaic consequences for yours truly.

Yeah, fuck karma. Britney Spears just lost custody of her kids, and we’re starting a suicide poll. Christmastime would be the statistically sound bet, but I’m going with Halloween. Once she realizes that she won’t be able to dress her kids up like Bartels and Jaymes while parading around in her underwear (not a costume) she’ll get high as shit and then run out onto the nearest freeway onramp, hoping that her good looks will stop traffic. Which they won’t.

If we can’t pick on the misery of others, life really isn’t worthwhile now is it?

Not me. What was to be an almost certainly rushed and poorly condensed “Preacher” film will now become an HBO series.

HBO is planning a full series that will bring every issue of the entire sordid, enthusiastically blasphemous DC/Vertigo comic to the small screen… but that announcement came with the arguably dreadful news that GHOST RIDER and DAREDEVIL virtuoso Mark Steven Johnson would be handling the project.

But wait, there may be a savior after all. Several, in fact. CHUD says that in addition to Robert Rodriguez, A-list directors such as Brian de Palma and David Cronenberg have been approached and/or are interested in directing the pilot or individual episodes. People like Danny Boyle and Alex Proyas are also reportedly on the want list for the HBO show.

It’s still in the early phases so this is only discussion at the moment, but it sounds like they’re serious enough to put feelers out to fanboy-friendly helmers (and the cable outlet desperately needs a SOPRANOS-level “must watch” show). So you know guys like Guillermo del Toro and Quentin Tarantino won’t be far down that list.

That is excellent news, Preacher was just a fantastic series and could translate pretty damn well to the small screen. Plus boobies, unstoppable killers, and the hilariously witty Garth Ennis dialog, and you have a recipe for success.

I know he’s a bit old for the part, but I’ve always seen Travolta in the role of Arseface. All you’d need to do is extend that huge ass on his chin across the rest of his face, and you’re golden.

In case you hadn’t heard, the quite rape-able Jessica Biel is going to be getting naked in her next movie.

Biel “signed a contract that explicitly details the bare minimum fans will see – including shots of her breasts and butt,” a source told the magazine.

That just makes any day a little brighter, doesn’t it? They’d better not pull a Natalie Portman cutting room floor job on us here.

I know that Bioshock is good and all, but if I were a gaming journalist, I’d give it a 9.9 just to be a fucking dick. Unless they paid me off, of course.

Speaking of games, Bongweasel reminded me that I’ve yet to say anything about Beautiful Katamari. Now I’m saying it. It’s as excellent as you’d expect from a game where you roll a giant ball of everything around, sucking people and puppy dogs into the eventual fiery cosmic sacrifice that you intend to make of them. Go download the demo.

I’m very disappointed that I purchased Golden Axe for the Wii when I could have had it on XBLA. I want multiplayer and achievements goddammit. Also, I’ve become incredibly addicted to Rainbow Six Vegas again, so if anyone wants to get in on our fake clan, hit me up with your tag in an email or something.

I’m going to be removing some of the ads. I put this Amazon thing on there because it seems to be effective, provided some of you jackasses who buy stuff at Amazon decide to be nice and use our account id. I figure if I’m going to post once a millennia, I may as well make your experience of it a little more tolerable.

Yet another ill-timed death in the world of the WWE, it seems that Crush (Brian Adams… not that one) has been found dead in his Florida home, according to the Tampa Police.

Adams’ wife called 911 after discovering her husband in bed unconscious and not breathing, but paramedics were unable to revive the 43-year-old World Tag Team champ, who retired from competitive wrestling in 2003 after suffering a spinal injury.

An autopsy is scheduled for Tuesday to determine the cause of death and authorities and an investigation is underway. The police’s incident report states that there were no visible injuries on Adams’ body.

I don’t have many constructive things to say here, but I will say that Crush was a pretty damned good guy to use in the old WWF Royal Rumble game for the SNES. That game was fucking awesome, because it’s the first wrestling game I can remember where you could smash opponents over the head with metal buckets and folding chairs. When I was 13 or so, a friend of mine and I stayed up for three days straight playing games, and Royal Rumble monopolized the majority of that time. Why be a good teammate when you can sneak up behind your own buddy and clock him with a bigass chair? There was something oddly satisfying about that level of betrayal, even as a kid.

Plus that clang noise was just perfect.

Tonight at around 2AM, we’re all going to get a pretty good look at the Perseid meteor shower, which is usually obfuscated a bit by light reflected off the moon. Not this year though. And if you’re not in the vicinity of 8 billion streetlights like I am, you won’t have to retreat to the boonies just to catch a glimpse.

Since I’m bored today, I’ll be updating this thread with random videos and shit that I find interesting. We’ll start with another one of those “Lost” orientation videos that was released at the comic-con last week. I was surprised at the lack of interest across the net (comparatively speaking) until I remembered just how much season 3 sucked, with the exception of those last 1.5 episodes. Oh well, they did check off a few items from my list.

Let’s talk today. Share your feelings or problems with the site or whatever the fuck you want in the comments. I swear I will… at the very least intend to respond to all of them.

Sweet Jumping Jesus. (thanks Peaches)