BAMF

[ Video – Wuss Fight.mpg (800KB) ] – I’m pretty sure the first guy tries to pull off a windmill punch, and the other fella attempts the mighty shoryuken. Success is relative, I guess.

By the way, this whole post is just a reminder to myself when I get home to re-upload the Painful Videos and missing Boo-Yah! Gallery content.

The award for Holy Shit I’m A Fucking Idiot goes to… *cuts open envelope*

USA TODAY — POCONO PINES, Pa. — One person’s reject can be someone else’s fortune. Just ask newly rich Paula Buckley. Buckley, 21, a deli clerk at Pen Mart, bought a $10 Power Play ticket because a customer rejected it. Then she hit the $400,000 jackpot. Powerball tickets can’t be reissued the way other lottery tickets can, said lottery spokeswoman Sally Danyluk Buckley learned she had won Monday morning. ”I ran the ticket through the machine and it said, ‘Do Not Pay’ because it was a $400,000 winner, and we cannot pay those out at the store,” she said. The machine chose the numbers.

Congratulations, guy (or girl) who turned down that lottery ticket. Prepare for the most painful years of your life to date. If impotency wasn’t a problem before, well, you might want to invest in one of those Viagra cutters that Jacko previously discussed. Enjoy your award, you’ve earned it.

*claps* Let’s keep the acceptance speech to a minimum, got me?

First, let me introduce you to the next big thing in the underground world of prescription drug modding: Viagra pill splitting.

“Like most men I denied the existence of my erectile dysfunction problem. The false starts were very upsetting to my wife and me and we decided to share this reality with my personal physician who was eager to give me a few sample 25 Mg Viagra Tablets.

One day I overheard the men talking at the local health club about pill splitting and how a 100 Milligram Viagra pill could be split in two cutting your costs in half. Two pills per week at a cost of $10.00 each cost approximately $1000.00 per year. Cutting the pill in half I could save $500.00 a year.

My physician was well aware of the pill splitting practice and he readily prescribed the 100mg pill and I was off to the next part of my Viagra pill splitting experience.”

Now I need to skip ahead and reveal a little of the plot here in order to keep this on one page and vaguely interesting, but he goes on to describe how he couldn’t get the little motherfuckers to split in half, and every pill cutter he tried didn’t work. So, instead of bitching about it, he made his own pill cutter—the V2 pill splitter.

That is right MoFos, this little number can crack your Grandpa’s viagra pill in half saving him the cost of 3 hookers a year, and still leave him a fiver to throw in your birthday card.

But, contrary to my actions, the pleasantries of erectile dysfunction are not what I wanted to fill this post with. I just wanted to take a minute and give a BAMF salute to a man who saw a problem and solved it. So, without further ado, to the proprietor of the v2 pill splitter, I present the BAMF Award for Solving the Fucking Problem:

Thank you, and goodnight.

Better sit down for this one, astute researchers from the Pew & American Life project have uncovered the shocking revelation that “the Internet has become an integral part of college life, and not just for studying.”

The survey of college students across the country found that 86 percent use the Internet, compared with 59 percent of the overall U.S. population.

Sweet Jesus in a birchbark canoe. This is more incomprehensible than their recent discovery that eating McDonalds every day will turn you into a tubby piece of bloated shit, and slightly more amazing than the time they discovered that caboose is the preferred spot on the mantrain.

Which, (almost) leads us to the next question: what the fuck are the other 14 percent doing [for porn]?

“For this group of college students, the Internet just works. [Sitting down and jerking off to porn on their roommate’s hp pavillion] is like turning on the tap and getting water or turning on the TV,” says Steve Jones, the report’s lead author and chairman of the communications department at the University of Illinois at Chicago.That doesn’t mean students are slacking off. Jones says his research indicates that students are simply using the Internet to help them pack more [acquiring porn and jerking off] activity into less time.

Which frees them up to spend more of this saved time drinking Zima alone and watching the cartoon network. In all seriousness, realizing that the Dewey decimal system is only slightly more complicated than IP notation, the only reason the Internet is so popular with students doing homework is they are too fucking lazy and stupid to use a library.

Oh, that and they can use the Internet to whack off while they are pretending to do their college homework. Uh, not that I would know anything about that.

I was kicked out long ago for masturbating in the library.

So I guess we uh… we aren’t going to war then, huh?

Oh wait, we still might? Jesus H, it’s like having a prom date drunk enough to boink your sorry ass, but then she throws up all over her dress. Will it happen? Won’t it happen? How about you arm me, I’ll fly the fuck over there and shoot the bastard myself. Morality, schmorality. If it makes gas prices drop and returns me to my regularly scheduled programming then I say Boo-Yah, lock and load, sucka. Then you and I can get back to the really important issues. Like pie.

First article of news I click on this morning:

Since I had yet to partake of my morning cup of java, I was obviously drowsy and slightly confused (and admittedly excited) by the proposition that this fellow and his cohorts might be smashing into the moon’s surface. However, logic quickly gripped hold and returned me to my normal Monday morning rigamarole.

One sidenote, this would be an N’Sync space trip that I wouldn’t mind pitching in a few dollars for. Imagine them saying Bye Bye Bye as they careened into a fireless oblivion on the dark side of the moon. C’mon everybody, pony up a sawbuck, we’re sending those fucks on a collision course with destiny. And by destiny, I mean a big fucking lunar crater.

This site sucks. Don’t go there. Go here instead. Don’t forget you can still win a free t-shirt by clicking on that link. Repeatedly. Preferrably when your mom, sister, or girlfriend is in the room.

Since my last post was somewhat un-diverse and obviously way too serious and un-funny for some of you, I decided as a gift on this Friday I am going to make it easy. Today, there will be:

• No “tongue-in-cheek” humor without the &lt/sarcasm&gt tag. I realize that it can be difficult to tell when I am serious or not, especially when I say things such as “we have all known from the days of gradeschool that being gay rots your brain and makes you want to eat puppies.” A couple more useful tags: &lt/parody&gt and &lt/satire&gt.
• I won’t rely on myself for humor. Instead, I am going to link directly to the non-tool king of comedy, Te(v)plar, and his extremely witty and insightful posts in the forum. On second thought, I don’t really need to link straight to his posts, since he posts in every single goddamn thread on the board, you can’t really miss him. Just be prepared to laugh your silly ass off &lt/sarcasm&gt.
• No HATRED!@@!! Yes, you will feel my love. To make sure you notice, I will be using the &lt/love&gt tag throughout.

One more thing while I am on topic (or not), Josh e, go the fuck back to fark.com. Because we all know how original and funny this shit is &lt/sarcasm&gt:

Jesus Christ I can’t stop laughing &lt/sarcasm&gt. Did I already tell you to fuck off and die? Good.

[Fark lovers read this:]

Note on fark.com, because I hate to get e-mail: Fark.com is a news portal, meaning they are a clearing house for other people’s content. I will be the first one to say that fark does a damn good job at what they do, and they have earned a loyal fanbase doing it. Go team. At BAMF, we make a mostly feeble attempt at original content, sometimes we succeed, sometimes we fail. I do hope that everyone that comes here finds at least some humor in the things we post (there is always the archives), but if you don’t, there are other places for you. You are not alone, and I wanted Josh e to be aware that he is a perfect candidate for the fark audience. One more thing, the headline I pulled happened to be the top one on the page, and I also might have gotten the role of fark in the civilized world wrong—be that the case, I am sorry.

So, now that that is out of the way and done with (since these are just my opinions and you lovingly respect that), time to get on with the non-threatening funny shit for the day.

[Praise the good lord almighty!]

It is good to see that those bigoted, fucking-gay-hating straight fuckwads have finally got some sense shoved into their tiny heterosexual brains and have voted to uphold a gay rights law protecting our beloved gay and lesbian populations in Miami-Dade county &lt/love&gt:

Voters in Miami-Dade County appear to have rejected an attempt by Christian conservatives to repeal an ordinance protecting gay rights.

Fuck the Christian conservatives, what right do they have to make a legal attempt to get others to understand their point of view &lt/satire&gt? And although the haters tried to stop it, the biggest win of all is that the law was upheld out of true concern for the gay and lesbian lifestyle &lt/sarcasm&gt:

The county`s political and business leaders had pushed to keep the ordinance, fearing a boycott from gay and liberal groups and the threatened rejection of the region`s bid to hold the 2004 Democratic National Convention.

It is heartwarming to see such true understanding of the challenges gays and lesbians face in this world of hate. Hugs for everyone!@!! Blowjobs all around!!!&lt/parody&gt

Yes, yes, I know, I am a comedy goldmine &lt/sarcasm&gt. I’ll end the punishment now before things get out of hand &lt/sarcasm&gt.

This time without Eddie Murphy: [ Nick Nolte Arrested For Driving Under The Influence ]

I had this grand Photoshopped version of that pic with clown makeup on Nick ready to go, but the picture on its own is just gold. Solid gold.