BAMF

If the Colonel knew how many stoners had shuffled into his elite KFC ranks, he’d probably hide as much Popcorn Chicken as he could get his extra-crispy crusted fingers on. Thankfully for him, some of the potheads will Darwinistically weed themselves out. Mmm… eye-gougingly terrible pun…

The customer who visited a KFC in this San Francisco suburb Friday got two bags of marijuana, instead of the extra biscuits he had ordered. He gave the pot back to the worker, got his biscuits and called police.

Police arrested Carlos Ayala, 26, at the restaurant. The sheriff’s office and the restaurant’s management company did not immediately return calls Tuesday seeking further detail. Deputies said Ayala was carrying a small amount of marijuana, a handgun and about $500.

Honestly, you must be a burnout to be working at KFC at 26 and still be fucking stupid enough to do something even half as retarded as this. Actually, that’s fairly circular logic, as you’d have to be that stupid to be working at KFC, or be a burnout at 26. And now that my head is spinning sufficiently, I beleive I’ll douse my brain with enough of this nation’s #1 legal drug (beer) until I can’t see straight. Or until I want chicken strips. Whichever comes first.

Note to perverts who want to peep in underage girl’s shower windows: in the future, remember to bring your own chair. Or, if you don’t feel ridiculous enough, try one of those periscopes that they sell at Imaginarium.

USA TODAY — WICHITA, Kan. — father used fishing line to catch a man he suspected of spying on his daughters. The 37-year-old husband and father identified himself only as Brian because he doesn’t want to bring attention to his daughters. Brian’s wife had noticed that a backyard chair kept being moved under a bathroom window overnight. Soon the couple was convinced someone was watching their girls – ages 6 and 15 – while they showered. Brian, a hunter and fisherman, took a spool of fishing line, tied one end to the leg of the chair, snaked the fishing line into the house, and left the spool on the kitchen counter. With his 6-year-old daughter in the bathroom one night last week, he got a bite. The spool fell off the counter and began unraveling. Brian stepped forward and ordered the man to lie down while his wife called police. The 31-year-old man, who turned out to live a few houses away, was taken to the Sedgwick County Jail.

Hmm… caught while looking at the six-year-old, eh? And I haven’t heard any shit from KLFJoat about revoking his Main Page access in weeks. And isn’t Kansas where estranged underage Mofemme Mooch lives?

*puts two and two together*

I’m not sayin’ anything, especially since I’d rather not be subpoenaed to appear at his trial as a character witness.

It looks like the king of cry Jesse Jackson has been out of the media for too long (by too long I mean over a month), which means that it is time for him to jump back into the ring of political activism, swing some fists, and save the black man from oppression. Well, either that or save him from making a buck by *gasp* cracking jokes at the holy trinity of black civil rights.

The hit movie Barbershop may be a comedy, but some of its jokes are no laughing matter for political activist Jesse Jackson. Jackson is insisting that the producers of the No. 1 movie cut out jokes about Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King Jr. and others from future DVD, cable and video editions of the film. That demand comes even though he said he was happy that the producers apologized for the barbs in the movie.

In Barbershop, Cedric the Entertainer plays an old cantankerous barber who jokes about King’s alleged promiscuity. The character also says other blacks refused to give up their seats to whites in the segregated south, but that Rosa Parks got the credit because she was connected to the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. He also directs an expletive at Jackson.

Being the open minded person that we all agree I am, I can admit that maybe I am being too quick to judge here. Maybe this whole thing isn’t a self-motivated attempt to silence his critics and line his pockets. After all, he is only asking for a few changes to the movie:

Kill whitey.

Advertising is truly a fine art.

Stray dogs are being used as mobile billboards by rival shops in a Russian city.

Shopworkers grab the dogs in the city of Penza after luring them with cutlets or sausages.

They then spray-paint their shop logo on the animal, reports the Molodoy Leninets newspaper.

Something’s messed up with the CGI scripts ’round here. If this goes through, grand. If not, I will anally rape the CGI scripts with a tuning fork.

*Update*: Alright, I put down the tuning fork.

How did I miss this amazing piece of news? Maybe one of you sent it along with my 1400 instances of SPAM last week.

[ Bon Jovi Foils Music Pirates That Don’t Exist ]

The 1980s megastars have a new, Web-based scheme to discourage their soon-to-be-released disc from being pirated. And computer security experts think the program just might work.

On the inside of the packaging of Bon Jovi’s Bounce is a 13-digit, randomly generated serial number. By entering that code on the group’s website, fans enroll in a program that puts them “first in line” for concert tickets and allows them to listen to unreleased tracks from the band.

“The idea is to make anyone who’s file sharing or burning feel like they’re missing out by not buying a real copy of the CD,” said Larry Mattera, a new-media executive at Island Def Jam, Bon Jovi’s label.

You know what’s grand? This will actually work. Pirates will not be downloading copies of Bon Jovi’s fagnum opus this Fall. But the reason isn’t because of the discouraging concert ticket mumbo jumbo. You want to know why nobody’s going to pirate their new CD? I’ll let you in on the secret.

*leans close*

Because they fucking suck.

Betcha didn’t see that one coming a mile and a half away, did you? Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick, just because my 80s compilation MP3 CD contains Livin’ On A Prayer and Wanted Dead Or Alive doesn’t mean I want to hear whatever the stupid bastards are croaking out now. Lemme give you a lil’ tip Bon Jovi. If Triumph the Dog from Conan decides to pay you a ten minute visit to tell you that you suck, beleive me, he’s not being cute. You suck like a gay undersexed Hoover Wet-n-Dry vac after a few Midori Sours.

Sorry to break it to you, but outside of New Jersey (which, thanks to you assholes, is still one of America’s main sources of the mullet) nobody gives a shit what you do. Therefore wasting time and bandwidth checking into your recent exploits are a foregone conclusion.

If you hadn’t heard already, Budlight.com has put up this nifty little web app that takes any picture and morphs it into a 3D person saying whatever you’d like. The forum kiddies have already taken to it like Corey Feldman takes to career failure. Of course, some of you are far too lazy to actually register, so I figure I should point out some of the finer reader creations while you can still view them.

• NOOS! Save The Kittens!!!
• Click! Because Doom commands it!
• My own contribution
• Ponch loves you.
• I bet he could make crack out of newspaper and a thimble
• Former BAMF staffer falls on hard times

Use the comments section to add your own, I’m sure there’s plenty of untapped comedy gold just waiting to be mined.

And just so’s you’re clued in, it will ask you to install a third party 3D rendering thingy. So if you’re in a tin shack somewhere in the mountains hiding from big brother, maybe you’re not too keen on this one. Perhaps I could interest you in a bullet for dinner instead, you crazy asshat.

I received a pleasant piece of electronic correspondence yesterday afternoon. However, it was sandwiched (like all other e-mails) inbetween 637 pieces of SPAM I received yesterday, most of them containing virii. God bless the Internet, where every message contains A Very Valuable *insert retarded noun*

Anyway, spite and hatred aside, the link was from $nowman, letting me know that Rosie “LOOKITMEIMGAY” O’Donnell has dumped “Rosie Magazine” over problems with the publisher. What with the recession and all, they probably had to cut back on their hourly tributes of ham-cheese-and-Indonesian-waif sandwiches.

“I’m sorry to have to tell my readers and my staff that my involvement in the magazine is ending, but my integrity and name are at stake, and that price is too high,” O’Donnell said at a news conference. “I cannot have my name on a magazine if I cannot be assured that it will represent my vision and ideas.”

A legal battle is a possibility, although no lawsuits have been filed yet. Both sides have hired lawyers, and in a memo sent to employees, Gruner + Jahr indicated it blames O’Donnell.

“It is truly shocking and disappointing that Rosie would walk away from her obligations to her staff, her business partner and her magazine audience. In doing so, she destroys the value of the business we created and violates the conditions of our binding contract,” the memo said.

Fat housewives everywhere will be mourning, I’m sure. Where will they get their information on… come to think of it, what the fuck kind of content could that woman actually cram into a magazine sporting her monicker? I’d wager that the majority of her knowledge revolves around the following:

1. Getting media attention for coming out when everybody already knew that you were a big fat box-muncher.
2. What Nell Carter was really like…underneath the muumuu
3. What K-Mart has on Blue Light Special this week
4. The number for Penny Marshall’s personal line, where the answer machine only contains muffled sobbing
5. Why so many children have gone missing lately. *hint: check her fridge*

Well, now that I’ve slacked around my last ten minutes of work, I’m going to do something constructive. If any one needs me, I’ll be at the urinal.

Warning: This post only has a remote possibility of being funny, and that’s if you’ve seen the film Best Of The Best, or it’s sequel starring that deuchebag Wayne Newton. And even then, you probably won’t find it at all funny, or possibly cast aspersions on my character due to my mockery of the disfigurement of a child, or a fictional character. In either instance, please relocate to the nearest senior citizens center, place your mouth within a close proximity of your wang, and proceed to fellate yourself. This is just an observation, Mr. Critic, not the State of the Union address. I don’t cast judgement on you for mouthifying your junk in retirement homes, do I?

Now that I think about it, that beef in the freezer might have said Expires September 22, 2001. Or was it 2000? Anyway, on to the picture.

As messed up as this picture is, does the kid not remind you of Dae Han? This explains a helluva lot of things. You start runnin’ with the McDonaldland posse at an early age, you get started on a life of hate and bitterness. And uh… TaeKwon-Do. …Mayor McCheese is a black belt.

Before I pass out, can anyone tell me why America and Korea were the only two countries in that movie to compete for the world championship? Honestly, maybe I missed something, but did the rest of the countries just decide not to fucking show up? It was the 80’s, I guess, so they were probably all coked up listening to Debbie Gibson records. Or that might’ve been me, the memory’s a little fuzzy, I’ll have to get back to you on that one.