BAMF

Baby boomer Jim Zimmerman’s brief fling as a tough biker ended in pain very quickly. The retiree’s misadventure began when, facing 60, he gave into a youthful yen and got a local dealership to deliver a brand-new Harley-Davidson to his door.

Ten seconds after he climbed aboard for the first time, he struck a neighbor’s utility trailer at 40 mph and broke several ribs. The odometer logged a tenth of a mile. [Story]

Danger’s Hiptop has finally hit the shelf, and it’s sort of anticlimatic at this point. I feel like I’ve been waiting so long, I don’t really feel those pangs of schoolgirlish glee when I think about owning one. Way to suck the life out of my uh… life, Danger.

I’ll probably plunk down the 300 bucks or so (before rebate, with all the necessary bullshit) for the damned thing, only so I can have the luxury of posting from the can. So before I throw some cash at this new company, does anyone have any comments on the Hiptop? I’ve heard nothing but good so far, so it’d be nice to get everyone’s opinion. Except for the manatees. Like your continued survival helps anyone, you selfish bastards.

I know a lot of you having been crying and weeping to your parents and favorite household pets about my lack of posting. To tell ya the truth, I’ve been afraid to post on the front page now that there’s no ‘pre-news-check-news-pre-checker’ option. I’ve been trying to hold out and not blow my ‘creative wad’ all over the front page since I’ve 3 games to review that I’m sure none of you will read and prob email me with hoardes of questions like ‘are you fucking stupid?’ or ‘have you died yet?’ or ‘I didn’t read your review, but I’m still emailing you to tell you to go and die’ and things of that nature. You do know Pie and Games mix well don’t you? It’s kinda like putting chocolate frosting on Frosted Flakes and washing it down with Coke. No not the drink…i’m talking Raygun’s Coke. Haha…oh Raygun…you powder head.

Damnit, I’m off track again…Ok. It’s that time of year again where some of you are going to be out ‘trick or treating’. And some of you, like me, will be sitting on the roof of your house with lots of food that, when thrown, can explode and cause harm to one’s body if contact is made in the correct manner. Some of you might think that you have out grown this childish past-time and wish everyone would just grow up and realize how silly it is to dress up and parade around your town/city hunting candy for many hours of the night and getting so drunk you make love to at least 3 different nationalities of yard gnomes.

Do you not remember what Halloween is all about? Are you not aware of the Candy-Consumption Demon-Return Exorcise Ratio™ that must be met each Halloween or be dominated by demonic slathering-slobbering beasts from the hell pits bent on turning earth into a candy-less rock of doom full of slather and slobber? Damnit man, do you think Sharkey started this site up just to get pics of boobs, fame and fortune, and more pics of boobs? Of course he did! That’s why it’s up to us to get dressed up, and go out this year and make up for all these past years of sitting around and hiding behind the couch and keeping the lights out! Hell, if you dress up, you won’t have to deal with those damn trick or treaters…you’ll be one!!! If you’re not good at making costumes, well just go as a spider…or..er…something…just look at this GREAT list of costume ideas!!!

Posts that write themselves #253: [ Hasselhoff says he hit ‘rock bottom’ ]

“I once thought about writing a book called ‘The Minibar and Me,”‘ he said. “(I’d be) social drinking, having fun — and damn, I’d just have a blackout.”

After his one-day stint at Betty Ford in June, Hasselhoff checked into a hotel in a T-shirt and shorts, the magazine said, and began to drink from a minibar full of rum, cognac, beer and wine, leading to his hospitalization the next day.

“I woke up going, ‘This is rock bottom,”‘ he said.

In case you were wondering, the picture to the above right is indeed what most would consider “rock bottom”. Not to be confused with the following picture, which most would consider to be the pinnacle of any career.

When you’re peakin’, those low times seem like a whole universe away, don’t they Dave?

[ For the soccer mom who’s in a hurry to murder her children in a horrifying wreck ]

Minivan that can go around 190 MPH. Something tells me this car + cell phone = social Darwinism at work.

And in order to do so I need to provide some background information:

The owner of a snack shop was tried and sentenced to death Monday after he confessed to killing dozens of people by poisoning food at a rival shop in eastern China, a court official said.

Now, look at this:

15 days. Score one for communism. For their terse efforts in detoxifying the gene pool, we are pleased to present, to the People’s Republic of China, the BAMF Award for Not Fucking Around:

Like Sharkey said, keep the acceptance speech to a minimum.

For the second time in my life, I’ve been canned. However, this time was a bit different than the last. Whereas I deserved the last time (I was rather proud of it, actually) this time is disconcerting. I mean, I knew it was coming. But I’ve never been told that my efforts would easily warrant a promotion at another company, whereas at this one they result in my dismissal. Apparently the higher ups really did hate my vacation time in Europe that much, and decided to can me upon my completion of any unresolved consulting work.

Odd. When I slacked off there, I was treated like I shat gold. I was told I was to be promoted, that I’d get an assistant, raises, whores, the works. Then when I’m busting my ass, I get treated like solid gold shit. What kind of a lesson is that supposed to send to my psyche?

Whatever. I’m taken care of financially for the near future, so I guess I can take the time to renovate this place. Then I’ll make Solo happy by finally getting SOTD back online. Thank God I can at least stop working so many Goddamn hours. It was turning me into an aggrivated prick.

It’s Friday kids, and you know what that means. Time for some ethnic slurs and hot chocolate! And “hot chocolate” was not racially biased, you sick sonuvabitch. Now onto the mail:

From: karupt
Subject: the greeks at my school are a bunch of fucking idiots

sharkey i thought you would get a kick out of this from the potential explosion that is expected to happen. www.tolerance.org main page…but the story is here—> https://www.tolerance.org/news/article_hate.jsp?id=617

i go to school here, unfortunately. not only cause of this. i just never have liked the school. and i really have never liked the greeks. anyways i thought id drop this of to you incase you needed somethin for the front page. i know how hard it can be to find stuff. anyways the buzz around campus is that all the news outlets in the state are being notified and there is expeced to be a big “racial” problem around campus. you know people sayin this others saying that..etc. maybe some protests. ill keep you up to date if you care. if you dont want to use it im sure it will wind up in the forums anyways.

–karupt

In case you’re wondering and are too lazy to click today, the link tells a tale of a college frat party in which certain members dressed as Klan members, complete with a blackfaced frat brother to “lynch”. The party was themed “Come As You Are”, which must mean that the blackfaced fellow feels oppressed by whitey and has a pencheant for watermelon. That, or he’s just a complete fucking racist idiot. Whichever you prefer. The pictures are really the gold of this article, and you can get to them by clickin on Zeke, Cleetus, and Ray Ray below:

Why do we allow the South to exist?

Special Disclaimer: No staff members of BAMF.com are known racists, nor is there any harmful intent with my clever Photoshopping of the preceeding image. The only person remotely racist in relation to this site is Tracer Bullet, who is constantly telling me that “crackaz” are “no dick mu’fukkas”. However, he does tell me that getting “wang mouthification” from the “white bitches” makes him feel like he’s donkey punching the President’s wife. Take from that what you will…

Wondering where the Hell I’ve been? Sure you were, jackass, you’re just too smug to admit it. Anyway, wonder no longer. Aside from my glorious job doing whatever the fuck it is that I do, I’ve been doing my civic duty. That’s right, the mother of all day wasting civil kicks in the ass, Jury Duty. Apparently my civic duty entails sitting around with the smellier members of society watching either the news, or the whordes of my peers snoring through the 9-hour day.

Thank God I had enough stuff to entertain me. A bottle of glue and a writing instrument, and you’ve got automatic articles of comedy from me. That, or inane drivel, I haven’t actually read it yet. For all I know it could be a systematic rundown of why it’s a good idea to wear shoes and socks to jury duty, unlike the charming elephant of a woman sitting next to me. But then, what do I know, I was stupid enough not to get out of it, so I haven’t got any room to talk.

Ah, I can’t lie to ya. I’ve got miles of yakkin’ room when it comes to Fatty McNoShoes. Jesus, you’d think all that time at the county courthouse would’ve made me a tad jaded. Well, it didn’t. …Fucker.