BAMF

Hmmm… it must be Friday. Since I can’t read Japanese, I’m going to guess that this one is called Titty Sundae, for reasons which will become apparent upon it’s conclusion.

And now that I’ve touched your lives, even for a short moment, it is time for me to hit the sack with my new Lord Of The Rings boxed set (best 30 bucks I ever spent) and curl up next to the two new loves in my life: Metroid Prime and Grand Theft Auto III.

Actually, I don’t have time for any of that, as I have work to do. But in the meantime I can sit and wish that I was slaying the Mother Brain or beating random people for their Vespas while I stare at pixels for a few hours. By the way, I think my eyes are bleeding and my ass is probably getting fatter as we speak. Happy Goddamned Arbor Day, Mr. President.

*Sigh* Stupid friends. They’re always there when you need their help the most, and when society needs their help the least.

YACOLT, Wash. – Matt George, 21, showing off for friends by kissing his new rattlesnake was bitten on the lip and nearly died. ”I said, ‘OK, man, you’re being stupid, put it away,’ ” recalled Jim Roban. ”He said, ‘It’s OK. I do it all the time.’ ” After the second kiss, the snake bit George under his mustache. He dropped the snake on the kitchen floor, and Roban killed it with his cowboy boot. As they waited for an ambulance, George’s face swelled. ”He said, ‘I’m going to die,”’ Roban said. ”I said, ‘No, you’re not going to die, just calm down and relax.’ ” George was hospitalized in critical condition after the incident Sunday. By Tuesday, his condition had been upgraded to serious.

Had it not been for the quick thinkin’ and swift boot stompin’ of Mr. Roban, George might have died that fateful day. So I take this opportunity to say from all of us: Damn you Roban, you’ll pay for this. Seriously, Darwinism was running it’s natural course of donkey punching him off this mortal coil, and you saunter on in and fuck everything up. It’s not like anyone would have missed him, George’s track record for “kissin’ critters” has not been very illustrious. Take a look for yourself:

Right. Exhibit A provides evidence of idiocy, let’s move on to Exhibit B:

You’d think that one would’ve ended his tenure as a living hunk of carbon, but oddly enough this was the kiss that turned hardened Iron Mike into a man more docile than the SnuggleSoft Bear. And on that note, I bring you the final piece of evidence, which is completely non work safe. You know you want to look, sinner.

Since I’ve completely lost sight of where I was going with this post, either from the glue running through my sinuses or the caffeine running through my veins, I bid you a good evening.

I received a precious piece of news from Vit0, who summed the whole shebang up by stating “fukin broads all do anything to drop the tons… ok to be ‘politically correct’ prolly the lotionboi’s t00.” What is he talking about? The latest diet phenominon, of course. Dig:

Starting December 1, a plump porn star named Kim Kelly hopes to lose between 10 and 20 pounds by spending 30 days on a diet consisting largely of semen — or as she prefers, “man juice.”

So far, more than 800 men have offered to help Kelly with her diet and she’s currently screening applicants thoroughly for STDs.

Although nutrition experts agree “man juice” is high in zinc and other nutrients, there’s no officially recommended daily allowance.

…God does so love a visionary. I think we should all start getting the wimmenfolk to start taking up this diet. Although telling them that they’re asses are starting to jiggle is not the way to get a hummer, so just suggest it as a uh… a health fad. Like that all protein, low carbs shit. In fact, this all fits into that anyway. Besides ladies, have a look! Guys and girls alike are getting on the man-juice train!

Christmas is coming. Start saving up reserve diet product for the lil’ woman in your life. And since you might need something to store it in, the BAMF Beer Stein is back. It’s uh… multipurpose. Honest.

In a sudden turn against the Gnome Liberation Front, a rebel group from Bartlett, IL have been apprehended and are awaiting trial on charges of liberating no less than 57 gnomes that were previously being held against their wills, forced into slave labor tending garden, gaurding newspapers, and taunting passerby. The two revolutionaries arrested, ages 15 and 16, are to be revered not just for their social maturity but also for their sheer tenacity at such a young age. No connection with Al-Queda or Hamas has been found, but curiously authorities from Bartlett continue to search for clues due to having nothing better to do.

Read the full story here.

So I was at the gym today, when what to my wandering eyes did appear than a freak dangling a baby out the fucking fifth story window of his hotel. Click that link and watch the video, even the reporter is perplexed, and a little bit disgusted. She, unlike us, has never had the unique experience of a goatse attack. Or to bring a real blast from the past, ep-sample.avi. *shudders* They should really show that as a prerequisite to joining the military. Fuck the horrors of combat, real life can be worse in ways most normal humans cannot possibly fathom.

Oh right, back to business.

The reclusive performer had to fight his way through the crowd of fans to get into the hotel, in a scrum that injured one person.

Later, Jackson dangled a baby out of the window of his room on the fifth floor, holding it with one arm around its neck.

Many onlookers feared the 44-year-old would drop the infant, although he brought the child back inside safely.

Not to uh… cast judgement or anything… Well, actually, yes it is. I’m judging him now. Judgement mode has been engaged. *Ahem*

If you went back to like, 1975 and showed lil’ Michael Jackson a retrospective video highlighting his life from the 90s to present, and then handed him a hypodermic needle filled with potassium chloride, how long would the tape have to run before he tapped the vein of oblivion? I’m guessing the whole MTV tape where he talked about the FBI touching his junk after he molested that kid. I highly doubt he would let it run this far.

[Church backs raves to bring in young people]

The Church of England gave its official blessing to alternative forms of youth worship such as “raves in the nave” yesterday as part of its efforts to attract young people into church…Another speaker recalled that his cathedral ran a rave in the nave for young people and a service in a side chapel featuring Gregorian chant for older people. But, he said, the older people ended up in the nave and the youngsters in the side chapel.

Good lord. Now, I know there’s a church in Atlanta that is used by ‘party throwers’ to ‘throw parties’ and to promote ‘happy fun time party land fun happy land time’. It’s called the Tabernacle or the Flabberrapper …or the Crabbersackle…well, something that sounds like -abber and -nackle. ANYWAY, I know for goddamned sure that the motherfucking church is in no goddamned way of supporting any kind of motherfucking hellspawned demon rave. Not that I think raves are demon infested or goddamned in any sense. I just like writing about the church and saying goddamned as many goddamned times as I can. It’s sort of goddamned exciting to say GOD and DAMNED while speaking of the goddamned church. Demon trash talking or any mention of Satan should also be awarded with 20 points, or an honorable mention.

On another goddamned note, I still can’t believe this church is backing it up. Although there is entirely too much focus upon the whole drugs = raves = drugs taboo, I am not naive enough to think that there aren’t some dealers walking around in there with a grin from ear to ear, the light of some Jesus mosaic shining down upon them, and the selling of ‘goodies’ to some good little christian sheep that will have them sitting in the pews in a fetal postion talking some trash like “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams … glitter in the dark near Tanhauser Gate. All those … moments will be lost … in time, like tears … in rain. Time … to die.”

Someone actually felt the need to recite that to me one time at a rave in Memphis. After the girl with the fairy wings and a Yoda mask offered me some juicy fruit that somehow turned into a bottle of Sunkist which I drank profusely for 3 hours and then realized that I hadn’t even opened the can yet (about this time my flesh started melting into a drain that was convienantly located in the floor beneath my feet), I realized that it was time to stop doing drugs.

*insert Mr. Mackey voice here*

Mmmm… that’s a Monday morning mouthful of a title. And speaking of mouthfuls, Taiwan has declared that getting a sexual oral exam does not constitute adultery (thanks Chris). This means that in Taiwan, head is the legal equivalent of a business lunch.

A group of Taiwanese judges and lawyers say oral sex isn’t intercourse and so isn’t adultery.

Judges are not bound by the decision but it can be used as a reference in future cases.

Forty-nine of 60 judges and lawyers support the view that intercourse means genital-to-genital contact.

Are the women hot in Taiwan?

Here’s a travel tip for anyone interested in an island getaway for a few days: Catalina dies after about 9PM in the fall/winter seasons. I don’t mean dies like Brigadoon, although it may as well vanish off the face of the planet if I can’t get a goddamn cheeseburger at 9 o’clock. No, it dies more in the way a school would board up it’s doors with all inhabitants hiding inside while Jeffrey Jones (see previous post) goes walking by with a bag of Tootsie Pops. We go into the hotel while the town is bustling with spend-happy tourists, and a few hours later when we’re feeling hungry, the fucking place is locked town tighter than a 15-year-old Mormon girl’s chastity belt. Anyway, after wandering around for a bit, we found the one (count ’em, one!) solitary restaurant that was open on the entire island. It was a little shithole walk-up burger stand, which wound up having some of the best food on the island, which made up for the complete lack of the English language spoken or comprehended by it’s employees.

Anyway, this all lead up to us having the most intriguing conversation I’ve had in recent memory. Being that it was the only open place in town, it was natural that the 6 or seven people who were actually awake would congregate there. As it turned out, a fairly short Texan fellow with a booming Texas accent and a wife who swore in every sentence out of her mouth came sauntering up to the window after us. He and I had a grand conversation, ranging from the peculiarness of California’s anti-smoking laws, to why he beleives pot should be legalized (even though he “doesn’t smoke it….regularly”) and his views on gun control, all in the time it took some chili cheese fries to cook. Then after he told a story about saving a reckless golf cart driving old man from an ass kicking at the hands of a younger kid by using the infamous “Can’t we all just get along”, I remarked at the stunning lack of nightlife on the island after 9PM. He rambled something about the off season, then he pointed to the three hispanic kids who were now ordering food, and decided to ask them if they knew of any night spots.

Texan: “HEY THEYAH SONS! Ya’ll know of any open ress-traunts ‘sides this heyah….”
*Texan notices the complete lack of acknowledgement from the three kids*
Texan: “OH, well ex-CUSE me! They’s is speakin’ ESS-PAN-YOL!”‘
*Texan turns to me*
Texan: “I swear, it’s like they got a GOTT-DAMN word for everythang!”

At this point, the lil’ woman and I lost it. He exclaimed the entire diatribe loud enough for the entire island to hear him, yet the kids still didn’t respond. Too bad for them, because there’s nothing funnier than a racist in a jacket with more colors than a gay pride parade float.

Los Angeles police Thursday arrested actor Jeffrey Jones, best known for his role as the smarmy principal in the movie “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” on charges of using a minor for sex acts and possession of child pornography, officials said. [Story]

Wow. I believe that we can all agree that this is just a little disturbing. And, I would also like to take a moment and point out that it really doesn’t do much for the anti-stereotype movement for a guy that looks exactly like a disturbed child molester to turn out to be a disturbed child molester. With backing like this, I don’t really know how you could argue.

Teacher: Billy, not all black people want to steal your television. That is called a Stereotype and they are hurtful and untrue.
Billy: Teacher, do you know who Jeffrey Jones is?
Teacher: hmm, you have a point.

More disturbingly however, while conduction my in-depth research for this article (google search on “ferris bueller”), I uncovered something that I was very unprepared for. Now when I searched, I expected a large number of results, the movie is quite possibly still for sale and is listed on many movie information sites. But what I wasn’t prepared for, however, was the horror of the Ferris Bueller’s Residence fan site:

Ferris Bueller’s Residence (Sound is REQUIRED. If you are without, wait until you are with.)

Now, in retrospect, I realize that I should have been prepared to find at least one fan site. But, my friends, you tell me—should I have been prepared to find a fan site with a creepy blue background, a still image of Ferris on the float, with a horrible MIDI of “Twist and Shout” POUNDING MY EARS IN THE BACKGROUND?!!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FUCKING CREEPY THAT IS?!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

On the plus side, I think I may have discovered the new g0atse.

Well MoFos, it looks like you might be getting back some of that money you spent on Miss Cleo’s hotline:

The operators of Miss Cleo’s psychic hot line agreed Thursday to cancel $500 million in customer bills to settle federal charges that the service fleeced callers while promising mystical insights into love and money.

Hmm, this post is still missing something (I mean something beside the standard lack of wit).

*digs around in archives*

Ahh, there we go.

So, this whole thing has got me wondering. If they have to give back 500 million, how fooking much did they get in the first place? When I started seeing the Miss Cleo ads all over the place, I concurred that they must be mildly successful, at least enough to keep Miss Cleo fed, but 5 undred mirrion dollas rot uv money. Hell, I ought to start something like that, but it could be the E/N call and whine support hotline. Instead of posting their love problems in the forum, they could call me (or one of my affiliates) at the reasonable price of 2.95/minute plus toll charges or whatever. Hell, I could make 500 million off MysticCobra alone! Just think if JimmyPop ever fell in love, those two would spell retirement for me.

Actually, the article says that they took in 1 billion and collected half of it (500 million). They have been ordered to forgive 500 million, which I am to assume is the half a billion outstanding. Chalk one up for not paying your fucking phone bill.

This also provides me the opportunity to give out the “I am so fucking stupid that I was actually quoted saying that” award, to one Howard Beales, FTC something or other:

“I’m no psychic but I can foresee this: If you make deceptive claims, there is an FTC action in your future,” said Howard Beales, director of the FTC’s consumer protection bureau.

That quote was so ghey I don’t think I can continue this post. I’m late for a meeting anyway.