BAMF

Hey, Asians are good at math right? (Hooray stereotypes!) Here’s an equation that popped into my head as soon as I saw the two following stories, both posted on the same day.

Numero Uno: [ Train molestation ruling overturned in high court ]

The man was arrested and held in custody for 92 days after a 19-year-old woman accused him of making her feel his private parts on a train on the Seibu Shinjuku Line on the morning of Dec. 5, 2000. He was later convicted by the Tokyo District Court and sentenced to 14 months imprisonment.

Numero Dos: [ Gov’t official arrested for high school girl train groping ]

The official fondled the thigh of an 18-year-old high school girl who sat next to him on a Hankyu Railway Kyoto Line train on the night of last Sunday, police said. He attempted to escape after the train stopped at Takatsuki Station in Osaka Prefecture, but a station staffer subdued him and handed him over to police.

Damned Japanese. It’s so simple and it’s right in front of your face.

Teenage Girls + Trains + Drunk Guys = Molestations

So it’s pretty damned simple. You can’t get rid of drunk guys, because they fuel the economy. You can’t get rid of trains, because they take the drunks to work. So the solution is this: get rid of your luscious teenaged girls. As a pre-emptive measure, I have set up a foundation to help your country get back into good moral standing. Please ship all available hot chicks under the age of 20 to:

Save The Pecan Pie Foundation
C/O The MoFo Den
Irvine, CA
USA

Please include SASE (proper postage required) for return of merchandise once it reaches the age of 20. Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery.

Thanks to Thucka for filling me in on the fellow that has almost replaced Hugh Hefner as “Who I’d Like To Be As A Lecherous Old Man.”

Rolf Eden, a Berlin property tycoon, former nightclub owner, and all-purpose celebrity, says he is offering $125,000 to any woman, from anywhere in the world, who can kill him with sex.

“My real desire is to die on a lady, while making love,” Eden said. “A lawyer has my will, and in my will I have $125,000 for this lady.”

Eden says that even at age 72 he is fit as a fiddle, and ready for love. He claims he will pay for an unspecified number of women to fly to Berlin from various parts of the world, for a couple of days of sexual activity, providing they fit his criteria.

*God-awful pun is about to enter your line of sight. Take caution*

Well, at least he wants to go out with a bang! Get it? …See cuz he wants to… go out having… you know and it’s…

Fuck all of you. It’s 2AM and I have video games to finish before Christmas.

I popped up a new logo, my first attempt at digitally inking a sketch from my new scanner. Not too bad, although Sharkey turned out looking slightly Gabe-esque from PA. Oh well, maybe I’ll use a different line thickness next time. Anyone who has some links or tips on photoshop inking, let me know. I’m always interested in different ‘shop techniques.

Oh, and just in case you hadn’t heard, the whiny little prick from Oasis just got his fucking teeth knocked out. It really is beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Liam Gallagher, wild-man vocalist of British rock band Oasis detained after a brawl in a five-star Munich hotel at the weekend, has been freed from jail after posting bail of more than $100,000, police said Monday.

Gallagher, 30, lost several teeth in the punch-out, the latest in a string of misadventures for the singer, noted for reviving Britain’s tradition of rock ‘n’ roll.

After the brawl, lil’ Liam decided it would be prudent to kick a police officer “full-force” in the ribs. Apparently album sales weren’t doing too well, and the record label felt that for each ass-kicking, another 100K would sell. If this is the case, I personally support this theory. In fact, if they publish a video of the chump losing his chompers on one of those interactive CDs, I’d buy it just to show my love of this idea. I even have a list of celebrities who I think should participate in this plan, right from the get-go. Start with Liam, work your way to Michael, and make sure to get Rod Stewart as you go.

Any ideas on a name for this brilliant advertising scheme? How about “Punch Your Teeth Down Your Talentless Throat Marketing”? Has a nice ring to it. It’s context can easily apply to movies and commercial advertisements as well. Barbara Streisand movie producers and Dell execs, I’m talking to you.

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiance’s mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred…then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door. There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fianc,e’ what her parents did, and that I thought their “little test” was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

Dammit Kevin Smith, don’t fucking encourage them!

Director Kevin Smith is giving the newly engaged couple a custom-made video game to thank them for costarring in his recently wrapped movie “Jersey Girl,” according to the New York Post.

The game, “Jen Saves Ben,” features an animated Lopez who must find and rescue Affleck, who has been kidnapped and chained to a warehouse wall.

“J. Lo has to get him back but doesn’t know where he’s gone,” said Brad Graeber of Texas-based Powerhouse Animation Studios, the company that created the game.

As she karate-kicks her way through the game, Lopez must face an animated Smith, who totes a ray-gun, and an evil-robot Matt Damon.

…on second thought, that does sound pretty damn funny. And it does leave room for the sequel: Jen Saves Ben II: Marriage On The Rocks. In that game, Jen must deflect booze bottles, fangirls, and needles from corrupting young Ben and prematurely ending their marriage. By premature, of course, I mean that the marriage would end in 6 months, rather than the standard year, depending on how bloodthirsty your lawyers are.

Took a slight Holiday sabbatical to relax after a hard few weeks of work. Playing golf and drinkin’ margaritas. Too bad Bolt Boy had to bitch out, or we’d be enjoying some fine cigars and making crass sexist jokes. Don’t get mr wrong, the lil woman comes with numerous benefits, but cigar smokins and sexism they ain’t.

By the by, if you hadn’t heard about Christina Aguilera posing in Playboy over at Solo’s, now you know. And knowing is half the uh… somethingorother.