BAMF

Holy shit, this is fun. After 5 hours of holiday shopping at the local mall, I can use all the violent outlets of aggression that I can get my mitts on.

Just in case some of you give a shit about gaming news, the amazingly amazing bonus disc that comes with the Japanese version of the new Gamecube Zelda has been officially confirmed by Nintendo to be included in the March 24th stateside release, provided you pre-order the game. This, I guess, is the official official announcement, rather than the just plain official announcement that took place last week, and the unofficial announcement the week before that. We won’t even get into the official rumor dates, because honestly, it’s just backstage politics. What that means, I have no idea. But it sounds good, so we’ll leave it at that.

Now on to my thoughts on the latest installment of Lord Of The Rings, just because I know you’ll sit here and read it. *Ahem* I do apologize to the hardcore nerds out there who reminded me that it was Shelob, not Ungoliant, who should’ve been at the end of the film. You proud nitpickers should be proud of yourselves. Your selfless act of forgoing any kind of sexual contact with females in exchange for your useless database of knowledge is a constant reminder to us all that excellence can and must be achieved. That said, let’s get into the nitty gritty.

First off, I think that the flick could’ve been better, and I don’t remember thinking that after seeing Fellowship for the first time. There were differences in character development, and added/removed scenes that I found to be baffling. First of all, I always saw Theoden as more of a kick-ass-now-take-names-later kind of king, at least after Wormtongue was outta the picture. Now he’s kind of wishy-washy, and that frankly makes me sad in the pants. Secondly, Bolt Boy brought up the fact that Faramir was certainly not so power hungry in the book. He didn’t have the same kind of weakness towards the ring that Boromir had, and that was what made him so cool later on in Return Of The King.

Next up, the additions. Am I wrong, or was the whole battle where Aragorn fell off the cliff not even in the Goddamn book? That’s valuable minutes that could be spent showing something that was actually in the book, Jackson. Not to mention the Arwen stuff, which no doubt everyone thinks could be toned down at least a bit. I’m not objecting to her role in the film, I think it adds to the quality of the movie. But for God’s sake, it was boring. Boring boring boring. Get on the boat, don’t get on the boat. What the fuck ever. Personally, if I were Aragorn I’d say screw the chick who can’t make up her mind, I’ve got a girl who could kick Rambo’s ass ready to mouthify my wang without so much as a cup of coffee. Besides, she’s probably a bobcat in the sack. And there’s no possibility that she’ll be bitching and moaning about how she wasted eternity to watch your ass get fatter, and no need to deal with crabby parents with bushy eyebrows, because they’re dead! *Sigh*, although Liv would be hard to get over, I think the money that comes from knocking up the neice of Rohan’s king would help me get over it, especially once I’m a king and can give any passing concubine the “royal treatment”.

By the way, from the trailer it really looked like Legolas was sliding down the stairs on the soles of his feet, not fucking “Elf Snowboarding”. Fucking misleading advertisements.

Aside from the aforementioned drawbacks, and the extremely choppy beginning, I still think that it was a great film. The problem with liking a film such as this is that you have way too much room to nitpick. That’s why I still assert that I loved the movie. The cgi was great (except the hobbits on the shoulders of the Ents) especially Gollum. I was fucking flabbergasted at how well they portrayed Gollum, especially the duality of the character. Unfortunately the creepy arguments between himself and uh.. himself came off more slapstickish than frightening, as evidenced by the roaring laughter by the crowd. But still, he is a pinnacle in the realm of cg-created actors. The acting was pretty damned good too, and the battle scene nearly had me peeing in my seat. Well, that, and the twelve cokes I had standing in line all day.

To recap: Gimli as mere comedic relief – bad. Gollum, Gollum, Gollum – good. I guess since everyone and their mother seemed to adore the film, I figured I should highlight a few of the imperfections that made it seem a little less grand to me than the first one. I’m sure the special edition DVD will help out with this, but in the meantime I think I’ll still enjoy seeing it in the theatre another dozen times.

First impressions: great, although very choppy in the beginning. However, I can’t think of any way to rectify this without having the movie be about 5 hours. Although some things could have been thrown out to remedy this a bit, it was a good flick. But Goddamn it, wasn’t Ungoliant at the end of the book? They kinda cut the sucker off a bit short, which I hope leaves enough room for everything in Return Of The King. But I know it won’t, so I may as well prepare myself for disappointment now. Although I should be thankful that we’ve got such great films to accompany the books. At least Peter Jackson is living up to most people’s expectations, rather than shitting on a beloved franchise. Speaking of which, I think I’ll watch Star Wars: Episode II tomorrow to remind myself of how good we’ve got it.

I’ve been in line for LOTR for 3 hours now, and I can no longer feel 12 of my 21 extremities. I’ll leave which ones to your own imagination. Thankfully my girlfriend brought hot coffee and In-n-Out, so I won’t have to murder any extremely fat nerds to slice open and use for warmth. And I thought they smelled bad…on thr outside.

Akright, that was pretty fucking lame. But what do you expect, I’m drunk and frozen.

Zelda + Japanese People = What The Fuck?

I know, I apologize for the lack of posting yesterday, but I was afk all freakin’ day. (Ooh, rhymey.) I’m pretty damned exhausted right now from attempting to watch Lord Of The Rings (the special edition) one more time before we go see The Two Towers tomorrow night at my favorite theatre (website run by a jackass). It’ll be worth the wait just to hear the delicious Liv Tyler speak some more elvish. I’m a nerd, I know, but at least I can admit it. And admitting it is the first step towards recovery.

Speaking of nerdiness, is it just me, or does the whole “cosplay” bullshit seem a lot less retarded over in Japan? Probably because they have more chicks in tight schoolgirl outfits, but then again, I could need to further research the subject.

Can you beleive the brass balls on a guy who could steal 9 million in software from Microsoft, and then host his own website to show off his toys? Wait, did I say brass balls? I meant complete and utter fucking stupidity.

A director for one of Microsoft’s high-profile .NET projects was arrested yesterday on federal charges that he stole and sold more than $9 million in software from the company to buy luxury cars, jewelry and a 51-foot yacht.

Prosecutors say Feussner stole $9 million worth of software. Daniel Feussner, 32, of Sammamish is accused of wire, mail and computer fraud for ordering expensive Microsoft software by saying that he needed it for his project. Prosecutors say he sold the software and used the proceeds to finance his lavish lifestyle.

He used his personal Web site to showcase his expensive toys, photos of his home, his boat and himself.

He should’ve known better. After all, it’s not every man who has his own entry in Webster’s dictionary.

I was just informed of Ernie’s Lets Bring ‘Em Home program, aimed at helping military personnel get home for the holidays. I’m pitching in five bucks, I encourage you to help out if you can.

I’m about to enter my arbitration meeting for my unpaid overtime suit, and rather than the lawyers that I figured would show, both my boss and the CEO are here. No lawyers, just us. It already feels like meeting up with an ex that was a bad breakup, and I’m asking for my Def Leppard albums back, and the last month’s rent.

I wish they’d call us already.

Update: Not too bad. They badmouthed me, while I maintained my cool, non life-threatening composure. The arbitrator lady seemed to be leaning in my favor, and asked if they wanted to settle, to which they had no definitive response. It’s either that, or court in 6 or 7 months. So now the waiting game begins, as I begin the subpoena process. Anyone have any ideas beyond security logs and such? Do any of you even have experience going to court over unpaid wages? Are any of you literate, or just scanning these pages for Britney Spears’ recent nipple slip? Why am I even asking…

Mofos, this is complete bullshit. I’ve done much dumber things whilst intoxicated and I never got my name in the paper.

An ambulance crew found a man bloody and unconscious. Officers began securing the crime scene and knocking on doors to find out if neighbors had seen or heard anything suspicious.

“The neighbors said the victim was intoxicated and wanted to see how far he could throw a brick into the air,” Gorman said. “He threw it up in the air a couple of times trying to get it higher.

“The last time he threw it up into the air, he lost sight of it because it was dark. It hit him in the back of the head.”

The only part I didn’t like about this story is that they never reveal how far he was actually able to propel the brick into the air, nor did they discuss the approximate size and whether or not the brick was re-pressed prior to firing. But, even with those shortcomings, the part where the brick hit him in the head was pretty good.

You see, your common “lay” civilian-type person would think that this experience signals the end of this particular drunkards physics experiments, and that person is wrong. After such a brilliant introduction to the power of gravity in an enlightened state, who wouldn’t have a keen interest in his physical surroundings? Do you have any idea how many powers of the universe need to come together to make this happen?

Me neither. But it was still pretty cool when the brick hit him on the head.

I’m posting from the carwash again. Seasoned readers may remember me posting from this lil’ spot’s oddly cable-modem connected machine a few times in the past. Today’s visit was unscheduled, as my Goddamned smoothie I bought for lunch spilled all over the floor of my car. Serves me right for buying a healthy lunch in leiu of my beloved Fatburger.

Second bad bit of the afternoon, I found out my answering machine has been completely fucked for the last week, and not picking up my calls. And here I thought I’d just become unpopular.

I dunno if it’s a bad omen or not, but Im pretty sure that the guy sitting outside is Robert Englund, aka Freddy Krueger. I’ve seen him around town a few times, so it wouldn’t surprise me. So is that a good sign, or a bad sign? Maybe I should just air on the side of caution, and go back home to my precious Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. Although I did have the disturbing urge to kick a guy off his sweet ass chopper and use it to jump onto the roof of a nearby Target. But then, I was a pretty violent prick before GTA, so I don’t see much of a difference other than a broadening of my imagination.

Wait, Freddy Kreuger wouldn’t drive a Dodge Dart. I guess it’s back to errands for me. Fucking Freddy ripoff, had to ruin my Goddamned excuse, didn’t you?