BAMF

Apparently there’s a little shithole just up North of me that is quite interested in selling itself… on eBay, no less. Pretty Goddamn amazing when you consider that the seller only has experience eBaying fine tea sets and antique lamps. Perhaps they’re just selling the town piece by piece, before the big sale.

If you ask me, and you know you were going to, this might actually be a profitable venture. Think of the possibilities of owning an entire town. For one thing, the ability to forgo any zoning permissions and fire permits would be an amazing opportunity for any Hollywood studio. Imagine if they could blow the whole fucking place up for minimal costs! No cgi necessary for blowing shit up, just grab some dynamite and send our shitty little town to Valhalla! Imagine not having to pay those damned Korean animators to napalm a poorly rendered cgi town. Just grab a few teamsters and some kegs of napalm and you can turn this peaceful little rustic town into Arnold Schwarzenegger’s next pile of post-battle rubble! They’ve apparently just built a new bridge. Let’s blow the motherfucker to pieces, shall we? I know Bay and Bruckheimer would be down for this. Blowing up unneccessary shit is their motto only second to “put a colored lens on fucking everything”.

Let’s pool some cash together. I say we all invest, and put this town to good use. If the studios don’t want it, we can always use the place to train the simian whordes, or i dunno, raise future Playboy bunnies. If about a million and a half of us donate 1 dollar, we can all get in on a piece of the action. Imagine if the town made 40 million from letting different studios, or just pyromaniacs, burn parts of the place to cinders? We’d all make like, 40 bucks! Plus, we’d have a barbershop to throw bitchin’ keggers! So pledge your money today, it’ll go to good use:

Disclaimer: If the necessary funds are not acquired, all money appropriated to the BAMFs Buy And Blow Up Bridgeville Fund will be immediately reappropriated to the Get Sharkey Drunker Than Shit Fund, and all rights of ownership to said funds will be forfeit. God bless.

I decided to stop by Carl’s Jr. on my way home this morning for a post-Christmas-crash breakfast. After giving my order, the drive-thru attendant replied in Spanglish: “Thankyew fahhr choosing Carljunior on dees lovely lovely day.”

Being that it’s the post Christmas season, do I have the heart to bring up the fact that it’s pitch fucking black out and cloudy to the woman, or just assume that her only learned English phrases are the one above, the names of each menu item, and the words “No Egg”? I opted for the latter, except for one slight miscalculation in assuming that she might understand the no egg bit. Fuckers.

I’m sure none of you have wondered where I’ve been at. Well, don’t worry. I’m not going to do a four paragraph story about my adventures for the past month or two. Not today anyway.

Let’s just say I went from making 3D animations for the government to working at a comic book store and renting porn at the video store across the street.

If any of you have been following the Imagery forum, you’d know that there are some contests going on now. If you don’t know about them then you are a green furred willum-rat who doesn’t deserve the goebaech you’ve been fed to produce all of those reel worms.

And with that said….

It looks like our number one fav so far is Skorn. So there ya go Skorn. Are you happy Skorn? I’ve said your name like three times now. Maybe one more time? Hmm? Skorn? You like that don’t you? Yeah baby. Skorn. Feel the Skorn. Just let the good Skorns roll. Skorn skorn skorn skorn skorn skorn….

[ Yeah, that’s a shame ]

[ IHumpThings.com ] – your resource for pictures of people uh… humping inanimate objects.

This one is mainly for the forum kiddies because I do beleive that there is one famous picture of a forumgoer humping a tree, and your mission today, my friends, is to find it and post it to ihumpthings. First person to get it to me, then post it to them, gets a free custom title, to have or to bestow. Your choice.

*Grabs M16 assault rifle and flack jacket*

One more trip to the mall before my Christmas shopping is done. Wish me luck. If I don’t make it back, tell Natalie that I love her.

I know, with the holiday season upon us it seems that I haven’t been very attentive to you, my thousands upon thousands of Internet lovers. Tis a shame, but between work and fighting whordes of angry mothers at the mall, I’ve had no time to even surf for pr0n. I know, it’s alright. Sacrifices must be made.

However, last night after wearing out the lil’ woman I realized that her car needed to be moved (goddamn homeowners association and their towing nazis). So I, the chivalrous one (or the only person who was awake) decided to take a cold, barefoot 2am drive from one parking spot to the next. When I arrived at my destination, I realized that in my sleep deprived haze I had foolishly forgotten my own keys. After trying unsuccessfully to wake up my sleeping girlfriend, (including throwing rocks at my own windows for ten minutes) I had to actually drive across the Goddamn street to In-n-Out to find a payphone. I tried her cell phone about 8 times to no avail, so I started calling my phone. On the third ring, she finally picked up. Joy washed over my face immediately. And just as immediately, she hung it up. …fuck. I called again, it was immediately hung up. Five more times I was hung up on, until she finally decided to answer.

“H-Hello?” she answered, obviously frightened.

“Why the FUCK have you been hanging up every goddamn time I’ve called?”

“I..I thought you were a prank caller!” Great. Not only am I freezing my balls off, but now my girlfriend has decided to go retarded. It took a total of thirty frozen minutes to get inside, but it did teach me a valuable lesson. Don’t neglect your readers, or you may find yourself half naked and shoeless outside In N Out at 2am wishing for death. Or, the death of someone special to you.

Merry Christmas.