BAMF

Faaq just sent me an interesting link. Seems that our old friend R. Kelly has gone ahead and got himself arrested for possession of child pornography, starring himself. …AGAIN.

During the search, police found 12 digital images depicting sexual activity by a female who was under 18 years of age, according to a Polk County police spokesman.

“Three of the 12 photos depicted Mr. Kelly engaged in sexual activity,” said Col. Grady Judd.

Kelly, a Grammy award-winning artist, has been out on bond and awaiting trial on 21 counts of child pornography in Chicago. Those charges stem from a videotape authorities say shows him having sex with a 13-year-old girl. Kelly, 36, has denied that charge.

Kelly also has been the focus of at least four lawsuits. Three of the lawsuits accuse him of having sex with underage girls. Two of those three have been settled, but Kelly’s lawyers have said they will fight the third.

Pardon me, four lawsuits concerning sex with underage girls? This guy’s banged more underage tail than most of you will ever see legitimately. You’d think he’d get the hint that not only wangifying an underager, but videotaping those acts, is kind of a retarded maneuver. I guess you don’t need common sense when you’ve got a good lawyer though. He’s just taking a cue from OJ there. Honestly though, at what point do you stop and think to yourself, “Hmm… I’ve payed out a fortune in settlements. Maybe it’s time I stopped fucking 13-year-olds. Or maybe it’s just time I stopped taping it…” Perhaps somebody oughtta send R. Kelly the link to that ageofconsent.com that Klfjoat seemed to enjoy so much. After he posts bail, that is.

Kevin Mitnick becomes completely free today, regaining the use of a computer. Now all you nerd old timers can take down those Goddamn bumper stickers and banner ads.

Personally, I find it more interesting that I am currently snacking on a bag of what is apparently a cross-breed of Cracker Jack flavor and Chee-Tos texture. Damn you Japanese market, why must your crazy delicacies tempt me with your delicious use of Engrish and happy cartoon stalks of corn.

Just to bring a little bit of sunshine to your Monday, I submit the previously unknown redhead Miranda Otto as today’s slice of the day. For those of you living in a ditch with a wet blanket over your head, Ms. Otto plays Eowyn in the new Lord Of The Rings flick, which I went to go see again last night. Slight nipple action ahead:

Always room for a new redhead. Or brunette, or blondes, I’m sure if you’re reading this, statistically speaking, you’d take what you could get. Especially if she had points on the profits of LOTR, which I’m sure Miranda here does not. But if she did, that’d be one sweet horse to hitch your wagon train to. Besides, you can already see from the picture that Miranda does not suffer from the dreaded plague of the third nipple. I’m speaking from experience here kids when I tell you, it’s not as intriguing as you might think.

By the way, the Minibosses put out a couple of new tracks, namely the long-awaited Mega Man 2 and a bonus bit o’ Castlevania 3. And now that this nerd-fest of a post is complete, I’m going to go bask in some actual sunlight and wait for the insurance folk to put down their pitchforks and sacrificial goats and call me back.

The recorded line for my insurance company runs through this automated message to filter out anyone who isn’t calling in regards to reporting a claim. The first pre-recorded tidbit I received was that “if this is an emergency, please hang up and dial 911”. I didn’t think much of it at first, since I figured there must have been at least one dipshit who noticed his car was getting broken into and decided to call his insurance company, rather than the cops, to make sure he was adequately covered. However, I was told this lovely piece of information another five goddamn times. Who sits there during an emergency situation listening to bad muzak versions of Rod Stewart’s vocal bowel movements while waiting to report that some hoodlums are, at that moment, destroying his Toyota Tercel. You know that with the five messages I had to endure, it’s happened at least once.

Anyway, seems that I was covered, but I’ve got a $500 deductible. Not so bad, considering what the bastards did to my dashboard. And they cover my stereo up to a grand. Now the desperate hunt to find the wayward receipt begins. Wish me luck. And if anyone has advice (especially if it involves making the homeowners insurance pay for anything, because I hate them for their lackluster security which only exists to tow my car) please feel free to share.

Seems that after I parked last night at around 2:30 in the morning, some dickhead decided that he was going to make off with my new Kenwood MP3 car stereo. Unfortunately for him (and me) he was about the shittiest car stereo theif on the planet. The detachable face was the only thing he could get off. Well, that and the hunks of my dashboard that he tore out in obvious anger at his own ineptitude. Thankfully, I’m pretty sure (although I can’t be certain) that my insurance will cover the whole fiasco. At least the bastard was too stupid to look in the backseat or the trunk. I had plenty of games and such which were probably more valuable than a $300 stereo. Or at least a 50 cent stereo faceplate.

I doubt that any of you mofos have any money left after Sharkey linked the adult diaper store the other day, but just in case any of you have birthdays coming up or excessively large trust funds (paypal), I thought I’d share.

It’s the GasBGon flatulence filter, and it’s helping provide relief for thousands of gas passers who have cleared rooms or blamed the dog for far too long.

“People tell us, ‘Thank you for giving my life back. Now I can go out in public again,'” Sharron Huza, the cushion’s creator, said in an interview. “They’ll bring it with them to the movie theatre, to work, in the car or on the airplane.”

Now, take a look at the “it” that they are bringing “with them to the movie theatre, to work, in the car or on the airplane”:

Sweet Jesus. I guess there still isn’t much room for discreetness in this sick, sad world. Furthermore, if I had the time, I sure as hell wouldn’t spend any of it pointing out all of the horrible puns in this Fox News article, but hey, if you are looking for some training on embarrassing yourself with shitty writing, there isn’t a better place to start:

https://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,75658,00.html

Buy it here. As if any of you have contact with other actual humans LOLER HAHA. *shoots self*

Because you kicked and screamed and cried like little girls, I must now grant your wish (with some big help from Solo) and bring Sliceoftheday.com back to it’s former glory. And what better way to do that than with one of my favorite all time slices, Natalie Portman. Enjoy.

I beleive this occasion calls for a phrase not heard in a while around these parts.

*Ahem*

Boo-Yah. Happy Wednesday.

Well, I’ll see you guys later, its been real fun.

BUBONIC PLAGUE IS FUCKING MISSING

What the fuck?

Since most of you are undoubtedly stuck inside a cubicle somewhere, I may as well brighten your day with this video. Stolen from the the Forum.