BAMF

When it comes to politics, damned near 100% of Americans (or perhaps all people in general) are complete fucking idiots. Oddly enough, nearly 100% of these complete fucking idiots, when asked, have a fairly strong idea of what we should do regarding the escalating situation in Iraq. Sure, on the news a lot of people are undecided. But if you could get a one-on-one with each of them and ask, you’d get a wide array of particularly egotistical answers such as “I’d just off that Saddaam and get it over with” or “Bush is a war monger, we should just keep our noses out of other people’s business”. Thankfully, these twits are no closer to controlling the fate of our nation than they are to proving that one of the eleven herbs and spices in Kentucky Fried Chicken is crack, thus keeping the black man perpetually “down”.

Now, I don’t want to go off on my personal politics regarding the situation, because quite frankly, I know that I’m not a political genius. I know that I am ill-informed, no matter how much CNN I force-feed myself. However, since I am more informed than most, I would like to take this opportunity to verbally cock-punch many of the retarded waste-of-carbon life forms that I have to interact with every day. Let me start with those of you who like to regurgitate whatever “hip” catch phrase that has entered your feeble little grey matter after catching a couple of minutes of Ted Koppel.

First off, I never want to hear the fucking phrase “If only Bush hadn’t stolen the election…” again. Because honestly, if the situation were reversed, the other half of America would be saying the same fucking thing about Gore. And instead of you making fun of Bushisms, we’d all be falling asleep during the State of the Union. Then a few hundred Saudi’s would get gassed, and we’d all wake up and wonder why someone had to harsh on our power nap. Another one that pisses me off is “Bush is only in this to get revenge for them tryin’ to shoot his daddy.” When God placed you on planet Earth, did he tell you that you’d have mental retardation or were you expected to figure it out on your own? Every fucking President has to expect that someone is going to take a potshot at him. Shit, if I were President I’d imagine a lot more people would want me dead. Would I take it personally? No. Would I expect my son to one day create the most expensive military endeavor to date, just to take a piece back for his old man? Something tells me I’d get him some fucking decaf first. To think that Goddamn Congress would go along with something like this out of revenge for a President who didn’t even get seriously injured is just pathetic. But you know what’s even more pathetic? Most of you probably graduated high school, what does that say for American education?

Another one I want to touch on is a quote I heard just yesterday after Colin Powell’s address: “If like, 75% of Americans think that we should stay out of it, don’t you think that we should do what the American people want?” …Please. If the American public’s combined political intelligence were measured as if it were a Hollywood heartthrob, it would fall somewhere between Clint Howard and the “Before” version of Jared, the Subway guy. The American public has a track record of completely cocking up political predictions. Want proof? Around 1940, while Jews were just starting to be introduced to showers that were used for a different kind of cleansing, nearly 90% of the American public thought that we should keep out of it. Nobody thought that Hitler was worth our time, because he was too small to accomplish the goals he had so clearly outlined in “Mein Kampf”. He was Time’s Man Of The Year for God’s sake. And it took sacrificing the lives of 2400 people at Pearl Harbor in December of 1941 before the public (not the government) decided that maybe this “Axis of Evil” was something that we should seriously look into. If Hitler were alive today, he’d be a recurring character by Chris Kattan on Saturday Night Live. Because we’ve seen Saddaam so much on television, we’ve almost endeared him as a sort of cartoonish villain. Sure he’s evil, sure he might use his unaccounted for FOUR TONS OF FUCKING NERVE GAS to slaughter some more innocents, but for cryin’ out loud, we don’t need to go to war over it. Just change the channel, I think Joe Millionaire is on.

I think I’ve rambled on for far too long. Just remember the next time you spout that idiotic “we’re only invading because of the oil!” rhetoric, consider this little tidbit. How would you like to be paying ten bucks a gallon the next time you go to fill up your Goddamn Excursion? Yeah, now invading a country filled with soldiers who wouldn’t think twice about slitting your throat and spitting on your grave doesn’t seem like such a bad idea, does it? Sure, it’s not our primary concern, and it seems a tad bit extreme, but that’s going to seriously cut into my Grande Latte’ budget!

I love this country, I really do. If only I could do something to get rid of my shitheaded neighbors, it’d be perfect.

I put up a gallery of Tatu for you all to enjoy, (thanks to everyone for suggesting places to look) along with singular galleries of Julia Volkova and her “special friend” Lena Katina, just in case their solo work demands that single shots be included. And by solo work, I mean solo naked work.

Speaking of skin, there’s a little bit of nudity in those galleries. Are those chicks old enough? They sure run around in wet t-shirts like they are.

Thanks for Bill Burns for tipping me off to the lesbian pop-music antics of the two lil’ hotties in TATU. I’m sure their music sucks ass, but making out in the video, ie: playing to my inner pervert, is exactly the way to get me to listen to your pointless ear-busting drivel. Worked for Britney, right? Besides, lesbians always make me think of a quote from Paul Riser (unfortunately) which boils down every man’s feelings on the situation: “I like lesbians because it’s naked, its fun, and I agree with both of them.”

By the way, I now need a gallery of TATU for SOTD, any of you up to the challenge?

Ho-leeeee shit. I don’t know if the story is bullshit or not, but if it isn’t, life is going to be grand. Like the piano, only instead of the ivory keys, you’ve got 14-fucking-minute orgasms.

The worst episode surrounding the drug, however, involved two traffic fatalities on a German autobahn last July when Retalanaline testers Dieter Krupshank and his girlfriend Molly Wentholtz died under mysterious circumstances. Police can only speculate on what happened, but they believe the couple were engaged in sexual activity and that Retalanaline played a part in the mishap. When the bodies were finally exhumed from the couple’s demolished Mercedes Benz, Dieter Krupshank’s pants were around his ankles and Molly’s face still lay in his lap, her mouth still agape on his sexual anatomy. “The drug must have kicked in while they were fooling around,” said Vanweilt. “It’s the only way we can explain Dieter crossing the median in broad daylight and driving the wrong way on a one-way autobahn for 13 minutes, finally colliding head-on with a semi-truck from Dresden. It’s really very tragic, because they almost made it, only one more minute to go and they would have been OK. At least we are left with the minor consolation that Dieter and Molly died a very, very happy young couple.”

Probably bullshit, but if it isn’t, I know what I want for Christmas. I don’t care if it grows hair on my ass and turns my pee into a toxic nerve gas, I’ll by a new extendable razor and a gas mask if it’ll make my “O face” a near-permanent fixture on my normally placid mug.

Does he do this shit to himself on purpose?

“If there were no children on this earth, if someone announced all kids were dead, I would jump off the balcony immediately.”

— MICHAEL JACKSON, father of three, in an interview with a British documentary maker.

Wow. So many jokes are running through my brain that I just might overheat and set off the smoke detector. God bless you Michael, for doing my job for me.

January’s Results:

Life: 1
Jacko: 0

Procrastination really sucks. Well, that is until you are out of the mess that said procrastination comfortably generated for you, and think about all of the time you had to do whatever you wanted, then it doesn’t seem so bad. Except for the fact that I posted maybe twice in January. That part is pretty lame, just like me.

But, as much as I would like to leave this for another day, there is work to be done. See, with the recent shuttle disaster, many important things that would usually be on our minds and on the newsreel have been overlooked. Take Cecelia O’Hare, for instance. On the same day as the atmospheric catastrophe currently hogging the airways, this caring, gentle wife was innocently dining at a Panama City McDonalds when she “lost the care, comfort, consortium and society of her husband.” (quoted from her lawsuit). Husband hit by a bus? Ran away with a stripper?

Worse.

A couple is suing the franchisee of a McDonald’s restaurant, claiming an improperly prepared bagel damaged the husband’s teeth and their marriage.

They alleged the McDonald’s, owned by Johnstone Foods Inc., was negligent and violated an “implied warranty that the food sold was reasonably fit for human consumption.”

They contend in the suit that John O’Hare broke teeth and bridgework on Feb. 1, 2002 when he bit into the bagel. The suit did not say what exactly was wrong with the bagel.

The suit alleges the wife “lost the care, comfort, consortium and society of her husband.” The couple’s attorney, Tim Warner, did not return telephone messages left at his office.

You are probably thinking the same thing I am thinking: when did McDonalds start selling bagels? That and I hope that his wife is OK. Sometimes survival is worse than death, my friends.

According to my calculations (I made none), unless you dumped the bagel out of the bag and started eating the damn thing off the table with no hands, it would be pretty hard to not notice the destructive capabilities of a tooth-chippin’ bagel.

But, it is still pretty hard to blame the guy. After all, in his own lawsuit he states that he assumed McDonald’s food was “reasonably fit for human consumption.” When you start out that horribly wrong, it’s almost a guarantee that someone will lose a tooth.

Oh, according to Harlan Bakeries, the production line for the creation of mcDonalds bagels was added in 1999. Just thought you’d like to know for when you don’t eat there.

Looks like things are back to normal. I guess that means the redesign and such can go back to its normal schedule of me sitting on my ass planning to finish it, you rolling your eyes at the fact that it will take forever and a day, and me going to the kitchen for a coke and not coming back until the next day. Ad infinitum.

By the way, Boondock Saints is ridiculously grand. I hadn’t even seen it until around October, which I now see to be the heinous crime that it truly was.

This is why I hate damn near everyone. You need me in a position of total control in this country, because we’d all feel so much better about ourselves after watching our enemies being publicly purple-nurpled. WHOOT WHOOT!

I know a lot of you must be watching Joe Millionaire like I am, because the show is maniacally evil. And maniacal evil, of course, will be a cornerstone of my platform for world domination. So far it seems like $50 Million, uh… I mean Evan, has macked on a few chicks, and probably gone to third base with that Sarah chicks, if the slurping and moaning sounds are to be believed. Since she’s just a moneygrubbing skank like the rest (except the Disneyesque Zora *sigh*) it’s not that hard to beleive that she’d attempt a little judge-swaying by displaying her skills at wang mouthification. However, we can’t cast any aspersions on her morals for something that we can’t prove.

So let’s cast aspersions on her morals for something that we CAN prove, shall we? Foot fetish porn is, after all, second only to punching disabled senior citizens in the realm of moral bankruptcy.

HAHAHAHAHAHA! (Thanks Daryl)

No need for any of the real reading, the picture is worth a thousand words.