BAMF

I’ve been taking these supplement pills for my workout regiments, kind of like creatine and energy pills that give you that extra bit of oomph. I took them about ten minutes ago, and I kind of felt like I had a bit of indigestion ever since. I was about to get up and grab another glass of water when I released a firm, crispy belch. Try and picture a gray cloud of powder escaping out of the most disgusting belch I’ve let out in years, accompanied by a terrible burning sensation in my sinuses and a flavor not at all unlike powdered ass, and you’ve got the scenario which unfolded before my eyes.

I think I see spots.

So I took the girlfriend to Los Angeles over Valentines Day. Went to the Getty yesterday, mocked a bunch of protesters, drove back for dinner. It was actually this dinner theater thing for my mother’s birthday, where the servers are actually performers. I can say with all honesty that they were not necessarily blessed with an overabundance of talent in either field. I hold to this, even after attempting to get my parking validated after the show, and the entire cast improvising a parking validation song in my honor to the tune of “Lady Marmalade”. But really, it was hard to take them seriously in the first place, since I’d seen the entire male portion of the cast do an act with cowboy hats and skirts called “Ballerinas of the Prarie”. It wasn’t as bad as it sounds… well, that song was. After that and 8 hours of shuteye, I’ve pretty much been working all day.

All that was done while waiting for the fucking site to load. Now while I wait for the submit function to go through for this post, I’m going to order a pizza and write the great American novel.

This is the day you’ve all been waiting for. Some will be disappointed, some will be extatic. Others, will do things that the rest of us don’t need to know about. Here it is my friends, more pictures of the delectable Fernanda Martinelli. I know, you love me, and its not even Valentines Day yet. Oh, you were talking to Fernanda, I see, I get it…

A special thanks to the Pie Forum kids, who stand an ever vigilant watch over the Net, lest any unwatched porn slip through their fingers. Fernanda’s still jailbait I’m afraid, but does that even matter in Brazil? Not that I’d mind, personally my life probably isn’t even worth a night with her. Maybe like, twenty minutes and a Tootsie-Pop afterwords, but that’s about it. I’d probably be glad to trade, too.

If there’s one things BAMF is known for, it’s monkeys and French-bashing. Well, it’s time for all of that to change. …waitaminute, did I say change? I meant endure, like Rocky in a French boxing ring. Ha! Endurance is king!

Anyway, let’s move on to the monkeys first, as they bring us joy through the smiting of our enemies and the biting of the stupid. I received a link from NC, who posed the question “What did she do to cross you?” The answer is, nothing. As in, nothing you need to worry your pretty little head about… uh… dude.

A woman died after the motorcycle she was on hit a monkey, which dashed across the road, at the Km19 of Jalan Lipis-Lubuk Kulit, near Lipis, on Monday.

Nahina, who suffered severe head and shoulder injuries, was rushed to Lipis Hospital but she died at 7.05pm.

Supt Baharuddin said Tazul Aidi suffered only light injuries. However, the monkey died on the spot.

Fucking japanese intern monkeys, always with the kamikaze shit. Bite, scratch, and get the Hell out of there you little bastard, no need to play the hero when things go a little awry.

Secondly, the French are sick and tired (thanks Scott) of the numerous jokes and the general mockery that we Americans make of them, especially after their attempts to lead the anti-war resistance. The article is filled to the brim with examples of America’s “anti-frog” slander. Dig:

“I think it’s stupidity, all these words,” said Claude DeBardin, president of the French-American Friendship Foundation, echoing other French expatriates. “Of course it is inconvenient to hear these criticisms. I think, I hope, it will all soon go away.”

That’s unlikely, at least at the United Nations. France has a Security Council veto and claims some of the UN’s best-seasoned diplomats, but it takes a beating at the water coolers. “What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their arms up?” asked a United Nations guard, a New Yorker who lives in the Bronx. “The army.”

U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell has dismissed a Franco-German proposal to bolster the UN weapons-inspection process as akin to having “Inspector Clouseaus running all over Iraq,” a reference to the bumbling detective in the Pink Panther movies.

You know, I’m afraid I have to agree with the Frenchies on this one. I’ve seen their beautiful country firsthand, and enjoyed their culture, which has given me insight into this situation. Perhaps we’ve been too hard on them. So I would like to share with you an actual conversation that transpired between myself, and a noble French gentleman during my stay there last summer:

Sharkey: “You know Francois, there is a lot of anti-French sentiment amongst my countrymen.
Francois: “Oui, zees ees unfortunately zee truth.”
Sharkey: “We have unfairly labeled you as cowards, snobs, and other terrible prejudices. And today, as an American, I must take a stand. The mockery must end here, mon frere. So to you and all of your wonderful people I must offer a fond “Ich entschuldige mich.”
Francois: “I appreciate your sentiment my American friend, but I am afraid zat I cannot understand you.”
Sharkey: “Oh, I’m sorry. It’s German for “I apologize.”
Francois: “But mon ami, I do not speak zee German.”
Sharkey: “Yeah, I know. We’re why. In fact, I’ve got my Grandfather’s phone number if you’d like to call him up and thank him… HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING! Fucking rude bastards.”

And after I so graciously commented that Paris didn’t smell nearly as armpit-like as I would’ve expected. Still, he didn’t put up a fight or even raise his voice to object. No surprise there, eh?

Wow, four years since the actual first news post hit badassmofo.com. It was four years ago yesterday that I opened the site, but that doesnt actually count, seeing as how I only posted self-serving bullshit to an audience that included me, and uh… me again from a different browser, creating the illusion of that extra “hit”. How far have we progressed? Let’s have a look:

Teletubbies are for Homos — Sharkey
The Rev. Jerry Falwell is trying to out one of the “Teletubbies”. The February edition of Falwell’s National Liberty Journal warns parents that the purple, purse-carrying Tinky Winky may be a gay role model; to support its claim, the article notes that purple is the gay-pride color and that the character’s antenna is shaped like a triangle-a symbol of gay pride.

“The fact that he carries a magic bag doesnt make him gay,” Steve Rice [spokesman forthe show] said. “It’s a children’s show, folks. To think we would be putting sexualinnuendo in a children’s show is kind of outlandish.”

Tinky Winky was last heard to have said “All we were tryin’ to do was spread the damn love, man!”

Meanwhile, Falwell apparently isn’t alone in his conclusions: The gay magazine Out has previously alluded to Tinky Winky’s possible homosexuality. I’d file this one under, “Who gives a shit?”

Hmm… yes, I seem to remember being a bit of a pompous ass. But see, the difference now is that I’m a pompous ass with four years of Internet writing skills under my belt, beeyotch.

And yes, my previous comment that yesterday did not count as the official “birthday” was indeed bullshit, and just a cover up of the fact that I forgot to post something about it in the first place. Honestly is always the best policy. …Actually, if blowjobs are a policy, then honesty is second only to that. Wang mouthification trumps pretty much any hand in the deck, in my opinion.

[ Thailand Launches “Breast Boosting” Campaign ]

It’s a national campaign to increase breast sizes naturally, since the city has such an abundance of cheap, and sometimes dangerous plastic surgery. Bless their hearts, and the delicious fleshy areas that surround their hearts.

What the fuck?

…What the fuck?

No really, What the fuck?

I got a million wierd little links in my inbox yesterday, these are just some of the less “work safe” ones. Nice that I let you know that after you’ve clicked on them, right? And seriously, why is the author of that last set of links allowed to roam freely, let alone run what seems to be a vacation rental resort? That’s just asking for trouble on a Psycho / I Still Know What You Did Last Summer kind of level. Not only are chicks going to get slaughtered in the shower, but you’ll have Brandy roaming around showcasing her talents, or lack thereof. And if that isn’t enough to make you keep your dead mother’s body in a room and become a cross-dresser, I don’t know what is.

…Carry on.

I’ll bet you’re sitting at your desk right now, loathing the fact that you have to sit in a cubicle so close to that cockmaster who likes to come by every Monday and talk to you about his obviously falsified weekend of debauchery, when all you really want is to grab your fucking coffee, read a few websites, and stave off your urges to murder every fucking person within your field of vision. Well, psycho, I’ve got something that might cheer you up. “Steven The Dell Dude” is in jail. Yeah, it’s like porn on a Friday afternoon, isn’t it? Calm as an empty toilet.

Hey, dude, you’re getting a cell! Benjamin Curtis, the 22-year old actor who portrays “Steven,” the Dell Guy, in those bothersome computer commercials, was arrested late last night (2/9) on a marijuana possession charge, The Smoking Gun has learned. According to cops, Curtis was holding a “small bag of marijuana” when he was popped on Manhattan’s Lower East Side (at Ludlow and Rivington for you Gothamites). Curtis is currently being held in Central Booking and is scheduled to be arraigned later today in Manhattan Criminal Court. Curtis, who lives in lower Manhattan, was charged with criminal possession of marijuana, a misdemeanor. Bonnie Shumofsky, the actor’s agent, said she was unaware of her client’s bust when contacted this morning by TSG.

I know, it’s just a pot bust, which makes it funnier to pick on since we all probably figured that another web icon would be the first to go down on a drug charge. Oh well. The thing is, Steven hasn’t been in Dell’s latest round of ads, so it’s not like we needed this to get rid of him. This is kind of like kicking a guy when he’s down, really. It’d be downright mean to do a ‘Shop job at this point.

…so I’m mean. That’s an understatement, isn’t it? Normally I’m spitting fire and burning villages on Monday mornings. Maybe I need a cup of coffee.

Since I dedicated one of the longest posts in the history of this site to bashing the stupidity of some ignorant couch-potato leftists, enjoy a little article that points out some of the oversimplifications that us righties enjoy. The difference, of course, is that this article is hilarious in it’s oversimplifications, whereas the comments that I previously discussed are just random stupidity that more than likely results from years of inbreeding and a mouth that can’t stay shut. Sounds kind of like a Kennedy family reunion. Hooray for stereotypical oversimplification, a word which has unfortunately been used far too liberally in one short paragraph. G’night.

If he keeps doing this shit, I am going to have to change my name. https://news.ninemsn.com.au/Entertainment/story_28442.asp

The star told the documentary, entitled “Living With Michael Jackson”, that it was always the children’s choice to sleep in his bedroom and that he was happy to oblige.

“It’s not sexual. We’re going to sleep. I tuck them in and I put a little music on and when it’s story time I read a book.

“We go to sleep with the fire on and I give them hot milk and cookies. It’s very charming and very sweet. It’s what the whole world should do,” Jackson said.

“Why can’t you share your bed? The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s very right, it’s very loving. Because what’s wrong with sharing a love?”

Too late.