BAMF

Hoo boy, fun stuff to tell you about today. But for now I’ve gotta get the Hell outta here and acquire some Krispy Kremes, know what I’m sayin’? In the meantime, you go ahead and get better acquainted with Zooey Deschanel.

Zooey was most memorable in flicks like Almost Famous and Mumford, but you don’t care about that. You care about boobies. So why are you still reading this?

Time for me to make a complete ass of myself in front of my speech class. I’d say wish me luck, but apparently ninja’s don’t need luck. Ninjas just need an oversized shirt and a 3×5 index card with speech notes, apparently.

Update: That went pretty damned well, if I do say so myself. I improved a lot of comedy, so I got a lot of compliments. I had to get the whole thing on video because the teacher likes us to watch ourselves so that we know how retarded we seem. Maybe Ill slap up a vidcap of me making an ass of myself with my head wrapped in a t-shirt in front of the class.

Four slices, four days. It’s like the Goddamn Twilight Zone in here, only with more titties. Anyway, today’s slice comes at the request of That One Guy, who was wondering why Julia Stiles was omitted from the slice archives. Good question Guy, the answer is… she isn’t… anymore. Enjoy.

Julia here is going to be in a flick called Mona Lisa Smile, which hopefully will not star her recurring character that she plays in nearly every movie, “slightly fiesty and slightly rebellious blonde girl who looks like Julia Stiles”. She did that quite well in O. Or was that Save The Last Dance? Ah who cares, just look at her boobies and have a happy Friday.

Well, they promised that they would not, could not, and uh… would not do a sequel to Joe Millionaire. The Fox folk’s said that it was unethical, and unthinkable that anyone would fall for it again, so no reason to do it. Well, scratch that last reason, and ethics are for pussies, because Joe Millionaire 2 will be hitting your TV as soon as they can shit it out. Dig:

Fox programming chief Gail Berman would not explain how Fox expected to mount a second edition of the series, in which 20 women competed for the affections of a hunky $19,000-a-year construction worker they had been misled to believe was heir to a $50 million estate.

I cant go into any detail, Berman told TV critics during a conference call to discuss the networks first-ever February ratings derby win.

We have cracked the way to do it.

BAMFs simian insider network is reporting to me that the answer lies in Berman’s very statement made above: crack. That’s right, they’re moving the show to Vegas, and staffing the chick pool with completely idiotic gamblers-anonymous rejected crack whores. And rather than $50 million, they’re going to claim this fella has $100 million. That’ll throw them off the trail. Well, that and the crack, and the constant torment that is their lives. But won’t it be fun in the end when the happy couple has their strength tested when Joe Millionaire is revealed to be another penniless guy who works at the Vegas Coke Museum? Will love prevail? Stay tuned!

Speaking of everlasting love spawned from the Fox network, here’s what IMDB had to say about some controversy regarding the last episode:

Zora Andrich, who had been making some unflattering comments about Evan “Joe Millionaire” Marriott in recent interviews, confirmed in an interview with TV Guide Online that she and Marriott have broken up. “I realized almost immediately after the taping of the final episode … that it wasn’t meant to be,” she said. Asked why that attitude was not apparent on Monday’s Aftermath special, Andrich replied that while she and Marriott were “both genuinely happy to see each other … there was also some editing done that gave the viewer more hope than there was.”

*sniffle*… you mean they’re… NOT TOGETHER!?!? *curls up into fetal position* All my hopes for love and happiness have been shattered into thousands of fragments of their former unified self! If those two can’t make it, what chance have the rest of us got? *Sobs*

Oh well, there’s always season 2. Hopefully the new Joe has a seriously great crack hookup.

[ Sharkey’s Speech Project Contest ] — If you’ve been wanting full access to the forum and a custom title, nows your chance to win one, and choose what I have to say for two minutes in my speech class tomorrow. It’s a win-win situation.

Tracer Bullet suggested today’s slice, claiming “If yo bitch ass don’t be puttin’ my wife Gabrielle Union up, I’ll cuts yo throat and piss on yo’ grave, sucka!” I quickly reminded him that he was not only half-white, but all suburbanite. He wanted to respond, but then he went off on some tangeant about how accurate his pissin’ skills were when he was drunk and then fell into the fetal position. So I figure he’ll be happy when he wakes up to find Gabrielle Union as slice of the day.

Is it just me, or is it wrong for a grown man to have a Scott Bakula fetish?

[ Mr. Rogers Succumbs To Cancer At Age 74 ]

I haven’t much in the way of smartass comments in relation to this post. The man did a lot of good for kids throughout the years, he deserves a little respect.

…he also scarred me for life when I found out that he swam naked every morning. I’m sorry, I mean no disrespect, but he taught me to be honest with myself. And honestly Fred, that was an overshare. *shudders* Anyway, see you Mr. Rogers. The way TV is going these days, you were the last bastion of hope for wholesomeness on children’s television.

Even though Daredevil left me with an ass-taste in my mouth for a few days, Jennifer Garner has yet to do me wrong. So in celebration of that fact, she is your slice of the day.

Since there seem to be very few hot pics of her on the web, I humbly request that if you have any pics of her that just smoke right through your screen, please send them to me. If they arent in the gallery already, that is. At least look, you lazy pricks, there’s boobies in them thar hills.

This reminds me of those old Warner Bros cartoons where the bad guy would dress up as a chick, and then the doofus hero would fall for him and then cause the bad guy to basically get molested. Yeah, I’d like to think that PETA might be molested one day. For now I think I’ll settle on listening to them bitch in vain about how Wisconsin should change it’s official beverage from milk to beer. Oh you smarmy PETA bastards, we still recognize you underneath that blonde wig and the fake titties…

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants Gov. Jim Doyle to change Wisconsin’s official beverage from milk to beer, saying milk is harmful to humans and is meant for calves.

PETA said in a letter to Doyle Tuesday that beer is healthier than cow’s milk, which the group argued could cause heart disease, cancer, allergies, diabetes and obesity. Milk consumption causes dairy cows stress because they are kept in a constant state of impregnation, the letter said.

PETA first came up with the beer-for-milk national campaign two years ago, but it was retired after being criticized by Mothers Against Drunk Driving and other groups. The animal rights group renewed the campaign last spring.

See that last bit about how MADD shut down the idea? Well, I have inside information that after that little debacle, PETA changed the idea for the official state drink to be non-alcoholic Odoul’s Premium. …But then OSMAFA, or Overweight Soccer Moms Against Fatter Asses stepped in and they had to change it to new and improved Odoul’s Non-Fat Light brew. Of course, then the diabetic groups and all the kids who bought it thinking that their fake ID had just scored them some real beer started bitching, so now there’s a special version of “standardized sugar nonfat non-alcoholic dont-buy-this-it-aint-real-beer Near Beer” being developed so that Wisconsin can replace their filthy and disgusting milk with this delicious beverage that tastes not at all unlike pee, but less warm if you put it in the freezer for awhile.

In other news, when the fuck did beer become better for you than milk? I thought that was bullshit I fed to my mom when I was 16, but I suppose now I get to take back one misappropriated karma point. If I wasn’t already drunk, I’d toss one back to celebrate.

Who knew that a 9-foot wang could cause so much damned trouble?

The 9-foot snow phallus, constructed in Tercentenary Theater, was torn down just hours after its erection. But its impression still sparked an intense debate, from dining halls to dorm rooms, over the appropriateness of public displays of genitalia.

It was offensive because it was pornographic, said Amy E. Keel 04, who said she and her roommate dismantled the giant snow penis. As a feminist, pornography is degrading to women and creates a violent atmosphere, she said.

Women do not need to be reminded of the power of the symbol of the male genitalia, Rosenfeld said. My guess is that they are constantly reminded of it in daily messages.

Don’t hate the wang baby, hate the asshole that the wang is attached to. And in this case, there is no asshole, just a big pile of snow. So therefore there’s no hate baby, there’s no hate. So let’s all get together and feel a little wang-love, you damned oversensetive femenists.