BAMF

On this fine showery So. Cal afternoon, it occurs to me that many of you struggle through life not knowing the secrets of true inner contentment. Let me take a moment to impart to you the wisdom that I have attained through constant *meditation.

True inner contentment cannot be obtained through a delicious sammitch alone. True, the delicious freshly cut roast beef and tasty cheeses amidst a perfect mix of your favorite condiments, such as spicy/sweet mustard and a thin layer of mayo, can bring much contentment. However, this sandwich alone does not bring you the true inner zen that can only be obtained through a mastery of these elements, and a fierce commitment to the ultimate comedic sense of timing. Let me explain.

Your pal Sharkey goes to the store to pick up a pound of roast beef, a pound of honey turkey (on sale for $5.99 with Ralphs Club), and a half pound of provolone cheese. True, these elements, when combined through a mastery of sandwich creation, can bring temporary happiness and a slight paunch to the gut. However, it takes a creative mind and timing to bring these elements into a brand of art form that you, perhaps, had not considered. Such as ten minutes ago, when I drove past a not-quite-attractive female with a “Fur Is Murder” bumper sticker and a license plate frame advocating veganism. Most would not notice the opportunity for true contenment just cock-slapping them in the face, but those with the knowledge and skill can easily realize the gravity of the situation. True inner contentment was achieved the instant that this young vegan woman looked in my direction, and noticed me sliding long strips of red roast beef down my awaiting gullet. True zen is obtained the moment you make another person’s face contort in complete shock and revulsion.

Next week: how to bake those cookies with the carmel stuff in the middle. See you then.

(*Meditation being a mixture of porn surfing and videogame mastery)

First and foremost, I posted something in Gaming and no one seems to have seen it. Actually, it was fairly new when I posted it, so you can read it now and complain that you saw it months ago to allow me to keep my title.

So I was talking to Tink yesterday and he said a few days ago they closed Space Mountain and it won’t be open again for the next two years. Why do I care? I care because Space Mountain is about 90% of the reason I even go to Disneyland. 10% is that Tink gets us in for free. 90% is because we want to ride Space Mountain when it derails and get a seven-figure out-of-court settlement from Disney. It’s just like winning the lottery.

I went in to Wherehouse yesterday because they’re having a store closing/half off everything sale. I can see why the fuckers are going under, everything in the store was like 30% over market price to begin with. They were actually selling used copies of $9.99 movies for $14.99. So with the half off, I could get $2.50 off for buying Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey used. Huzzah. Still, with all the fat white trash roaming around the store scavenging for a used copy of old Counting Crows albums, I can see why they’re so stingy with the deals, even while the ship is sinking.

What did all of that have to do with today’s slice (special thanks to forum-goer LP for submitting the gallery), Maria Bello? Nothing. There might have been a used copy of Coyote Ugly floating around in there, but otherwise I deliberately wasted your time with that story. Enjoy.

I’m almost done with Zelda, uh… I mean my work. So hopefully the posting will return to normal here after the evil Gannon is thwarted. I mean, after I redesign his website… of evil.

Home Depot, watch your ass. My couple-hundred pound order of water came in yesterday. The delivery guy seemed to be really pleased that I was the last delivery on his route. And by really pleased, I mean that he looked like he wanted to drown me in a sea of cool mountain spring water. Office Depot got me back that day though, when the Goddamn manager wouldn’t let me use a coupon code from the Internet for one of those all-in-one USB media readers. I planned on going home, doing their fun order-it-online/pick-it-up-in-store option so that I could come back ten minutes later and pick it up for the lower price, pre-paid. However, their website was on to my scam because they had run out of stock before I got home. Curses! I’d be vengeful and pricematch it to a store with a ridiculously low price, but I’m way too lazy for that. Maybe another ten cases of water will do the trick.

In other news, here’s something horribly depressing to help you forget that today is Friday, and that a fun weekend is coming up, only to be succeeded by yet another week of your dreary existence! You’re welcome!

Seems like the water bottles on the right are a tad big, so I actually need to keep typing just to take up valuable screen space. I think I’ll post this next link inside a fancy blockquotey box just to waste some more. I can do that, because I am all powerful. And because I had a McDonald’s sausage biscuit for breakfast. And through them, I can do all things. Or was that Jesus?

New Matrix Reloaded Trailer – rocks you like an aquatic tropical cyclone.

See? That’s the power I wield on a daily basis. Now I’m going to take my power and get a haircut. This coiffe is getting a little fucking ridiculous. I look like Dr. Emmitt Brown with his hair spiked.

Her name may be a mouthful but uh… I’d sure like a mouthful of uh… I mean I’d like to let her have a mouthful of… Fuck me, NyQuil owns my ass. Here’s A Man Apart‘s Jacqueline Obradors.

*Clutches NyQuil bottle to chest and stares lovingly at the now-incredibly-blurry label*

Excuse me. We’re sharing a fucking moment here.

*Turns away*

*CHUGS*

Just got this from our soon-to-be-resident MoFo Norstrin.

[19:40] Norstrin: they make pregnant barbies (i only know this because a toys r us commercial was just on)
[19:41] BAMF Jacko: wow, so ken has a dick after all
[19:41] Norstrin: the question being: is this ‘unwanted pregnancy teenslut barbie’ or ‘ken fucked barbie up the ass and the best part ran down the crack into her crack ho box barbie’?

Valid question I suppose. It gets worse.

[19:42] Norstrin: well, at least it’ll be anatomically correct: she’ll have gramma panties

That is wrong on so many levels that I can’t really go in to right now.

You see, here is a look at the kind of shit that I’m doing right now, I am quite occupied making sure my body doesn’t decapitate itself out of sheer embarassment:

me: *dials software engineer*
me: “yea, I have a quick question about your code, you declare: blic class name {, wtf does ‘blic’ mean?
engineer: “uh, hmm, what?”
me: *realizes that my editor is scrolled over two columns, and ‘blic’ is actually public*”uh, shit.”

Hey, at least I got in on the water.

Update, even though no one has read this post yet: Apparently, the doll comes with a youngun that fits inside of her fucking tummy, complete with wedding ring:

Barbie doll’s friend,Midge, is having a baby! With this gift set, girls have everything theyneed to play out the arrival of a new baby. Baby doll fits inside Mommydoll’s tummy. When it’s nap time, baby’s changing table magicallytransforms into a rocking crib. Includes Midge doll, wedding ring,earrings and shoes plus baby plus accessories.

[20:14] Norstrin: https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B000083E0C/qid=1049940831/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_1/104-7036713-5116703?v=glance&s=toys&n=507846
[20:14] Norstrin: it also comes in african american
[20:14] Norstrin: (i don’t think anything needs to be said about the last one, what with no male doll being included)

Hey, how about 263 pounds of water for $35 bucks, delivered? No, I’m not reselling Sparkletts, it’s just another fun “stick-it-to-Office-Depot-even-though-they’ve-done-nothing-to-me” bargain. I find it excruciatingly funny that the 263 lbs. of water is going to be hauled upstairs tomorrow.

*Looks around already cramped house, searching for a spot to place 240 bottles of water*

It’s clear to me now that I have not completely thought this order through. However, I am getting bottles of water for .14 cents apiece. And some delivery guy is going to want to beat the shit out of me. Oh happy Thursday, why can’t you be today?

Apparently there was a fiber cut somewhere along the East coast, so we lost BAMF for awhile. Gave me a chance to catch up on some work that’s been bottling up. *COUGH* *Zelda* *COUGH*

Anyway, we should be all moved onto the new server now, and things seem pretty damned speedy, so I would assume that we’re back on the major pipe as opposed to the slow-as-a-special-ed-class backup. Now I guess I can get started on finalizing everything for the site rollover. That’s right, the site that’s been running for Goddamn ever and only gone through one facelift is finally due for an interface enema. Then it’s back to trying to piss off the French, Canadians, and French Canadians. Matter of fact, I need a new group/race/religion to pick on. We’ve got the aforementioned few, and the Scientologists and Catholics, with a dash of Mormon-mockery on the side. You folks are getting harder and harder to piss off, so I need someone new to anger for my own amusement. I’m open to suggestions. In the meantime, you forum kiddies can stop bugging Ray and Mers about the outage.

Thank you Jesus for the server being online, and forgive the Jews for killing you.

*awaits hate mail*

Man, it is getting hard to find ways to get your name in the news before you launch an album or a major tour. Hell, 20 years ago all you had to do was bite the head off a chicken, or make up some funny meaning for your band name that involves SATAN or something equally absurd, and POW, congressional hearing.

Unfortunately, times have changed, and not for the better. Marilyn had to grow tits, Eminem had to bring his own mother into it, and these guys think a little boo hooing on stage is going to get it for them? Pathetic.

Dozens walked out of Pearl Jam’s U.S. tour opener after lead singer Eddie Vedder took a mask of President Bush and impaled it on a microphone stand. [Story]

Hell, according to the article, the DIXIE CHICKS did basically the same thing without a mask last week, they could have at least done something original, such as bringing a BATTLE ROBOT on stage to impale the mask then shoot FIREBEAMS into the audience. Plus, when the hell is Vedder going to learn that all we want to know is when we can expect the next Ten.

“It was like he decapitated someone in a primal ritual and stuck their head on a stick,” said attendee Keith Zimmerman.

On second though, that part might have been pretty cool. Either way, I guess I now know about the tour so I can be sure to not go see it.

So the whole family and myself (gf included) are at the Magic Kingdom watching a charity show starring my sister. As I type this, there is a fella with a kickass mullet sitting right in front of me. Or… Is it? The lil woman reported on my return from the lavatory that the he is a she with facial hair, and that kisses and boob fondling were exchanged with her equally gargantuan partner, right in front of grandma. I’m sure she thinks that its a dude, I can’t wait to destroy her conservative world after the show.

*watches bull dykes make out*

*shudders*