BAMF

You know that we are living…
in a material world…
and I am a material girl!
But uh… do as I say, not as I do.

Madonna told the Radio Times that Americans had opportunities people in other countries did not have but got caught up in superficial dreams.

“We as Americans are completely obsessed and wrapped up in a lot of the wrong values — looking good, having cash in the bank, being perceived as rich, famous and successful or just being famous,” Madonna told the television listings magazine.

“It’s the most superficial part of the American dream and who would know better than me? The only thing that’s going to bring you happiness is love and how you treat your fellow man and having compassion for one another.”

When our BAMF reporters caught up with Madonna, we poised the obvious question: “In light of these statements, would you now consider ditching the rock star lifestyle that the self-obsessed American culture has afforded you, instead opting for surviving on love and compassion for your fellow man?”

The Material Girl replied simply “You know, I could do that, but I think I’ll stick with rolling around on the floor like a harlot in a skintight outfit until I’m a grandmother so that I can sell my albums to the last few remaining people that think I’m sexy. Oh, and be sure to catch me on Will & Grace this week on NBC! MP3s are bad, capitalist pigs!”

In the spirit of being a pig, why not sign up for a free subscription to Maxim?

Got a link in the mail this morning from Robert, who shared an excellent story about the band Creed getting their asses sued for being too stoned/drunk to play at a Chicago concert. It might just be a good day after all.

In their suit, filed in the chancery division of Cook County circuit court, the plaintiffs alleged lead singer Scott Stapp (pictured) “was so intoxicated and/or medicated that he was unable to sing the lyrics of a single Creed song. Instead, during the Creed concert, Stapp left the stage on several occasions during several songs for long periods of time, rolled around on the floor of the stage in apparent pain or distress, and appeared to pass out on stage during the performance,” the suit reads.

According to the suit and news reports, the band’s management issued an apology to Chicago area fans for the quality of the performance. The apology, they said, read, in part: “We apologize if you don’t feel that the show was up to the very high standards set by our previous shows in Chicago … We hope that you can take some solace in the fact that you definitely experienced the most unique of all Creed shows and may have become part of the unusual world of rock and roll history!”

Can you imagine if the litigation craze had hit it’s pinnacle during the 60s? Groupies would have made a fortune from paternity and sexual harassment suits. Personally I’d like it if I could sue Creed for every time one of their piece of shit tunes like “Higher” get stuck in my head. Then I have to go stick my face into that hole I carved into the microwave and let it bake the pain away for about 3 minutes. But afterwards, I get a killer buzz and my Hot Pocket is ready.

I’ve been working like crazy lately. Not much time for postin’ unfortunately. I’ll be back in a few hours though. Just gotta get this little bit of work that’s left done and I’ll be back on track. If I can stop being distracted by shiny objects and video games, that is.

Ooh, nickles.

Yet again we owe our gratitude to forum-goer LP for another kickass gallery. Today’s slice is the lovely Ming Na Wen, who voiced another slice, Aki from Final Fantasy.

Watch out at work, there’s boobies in them thar hills.

Yeah, no posts on two weekdays, what the Hell? I kind of took a break, since I’ve actually been working my ass off this week and wanted to take some time to finish some projects and then have a little “me” time. And by “me”, I of course mean my digital form of cel-shaded crack, “Zelda.”

Last night we planned on meeting up with the rest of the crew for a night at Disneyland, but me and the lil’ woman wound up watching Life Is Beautiful before we left. Good movie, but it was kind of like going to a funeral just before heading off to a birthday party. Something about Holocaust movies just sucks the magic right outta the Magic Kingdom. So we went to Red Robin & had booze/dessert instead. I say this flippantly, but the fact of the matter is, that decision actually took up almost two hours of our lives. That personal bit of punishment is the reason why I waste a minute or two of your lives by forcing you to read it.

By the way, does anyone suppose that this guy wishes he was a rich black football player right now? How much does Johnnie Cochrane cost these days?

Rodney King is in trouble again. Seems the dumbshit took his new Expedition at 100 MPH through a neighborhood and crashed into a house. I know the temptation is great, but none of us needs to utter that fucking phrase ever again. You know what I’m talking about.

King, 39, was spotted Sunday by a police officer who said King was speeding and weaving through traffic in his 2003 Ford Expedition when he slammed into a utility pole, a chain-link fence and then the home, police said. No one in the home was injured.

Police said they suspect that King was intoxicated, and a blood sample was drawn to determine his blood-alcohol level. Test results have not yet been released.

King was not arrested, but a report detailing the crash circumstances will be submitted to prosecutors, police Lt. Kathy Thompson said.

Not to be insensitive or anything, but it appears that the LAPD didn’t teach him enough of a lesson the first time. That, or their nightsticks did their jobs a little too well.

I lied, I completely meant to be insensitive. What’s it to you?

Our good friend Tracer Bullet pointed out that we were lacking a gallery of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’s Zhang Ziyi, and I knew that this travesty must be rectified. Get rectal Zhang:

Not only is Zhang hot, but I’m also hoping that she will draw attention away from my last post, which was originally intended for humor value, but spiralled out of control into a bickering match of idiotic proportions. Let me tell you this right now: I don’t want to hear your opinion. I don’t want to hear why other people’s opinions are invalid. And I certainly don’t want to hear your opinion, and then have you cleverly tell me that you realize that your opinion doesn’t matter. Good for that bit of self-realization chief, now shut your yap and look at the porn. The big boys are handling things, and if we can’t even have a civil discussion, it’s obvious why we’re not in charge in the first place.

…to make a a complete ass of yourself. My personal favorite:

Sean Penn

“I think that people like the Howard Sterns, the Bill O’Reillys and to a lesser degree the bin Ladens of the world are making a horrible contribution [to society]. I’d like to trade O’Reilly for bin Laden. [O’Reilly] is a grumpy, self-loathing joke,” Penn told the magazine.”

Because getting Bin Laden for O’Reilly would be AWESOME! TOTALLY AWESOME!

Just some light reading to brighten your day.

Got a whopping 4 hours of sleep last night, after working until 6am. Didn’t have to do that really, I was just on one of those programming highs. You non-nerds have no idea what I’m talking about, so let me boil it down for you. It’s like when you meet a new girl, and you guys stay up al night talking and talking and you feel like it’s the start of something new and exciting. Yeah, it’s a lot like that, except no girl, you’re in your underwear and everything has that slight stink of pathetic. Can you picture it now? Excellent. And now that everyone’s self esteem is lowered, my work is finished.

If that goddamn waitress doesn’t show up with my goddamn muffin soon I’m going to… Ah fuck it, I’m going to sleep in the booth.

…to upset more people, more often. Frenchies? Step up to the plate.

Joke Submitted by Sugary75

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded.”

The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon chimes in, “You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

But the fifth surgeon shuts them all up when he observes, “The French are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable.

Personally, I prefer Iraqi officials. All you need is a dustpan and a trashbag. …what, too soon? Well how about peace protesters overseas? All you need is a piece of high-powered construction equipment:

Come on. You loved it the first time, and you love it now. So on with the kudos!