BAMF

I blame the Jews. Why? Because if they hadn’t killed Jesus, God wouldn’t take out his vengeance on us like this:

Be warned. Contains crap previously unused in first box office smash..as in smash my face for even seeing it even tho it was free on freinds dvd. He’s not my freind anymore. I had to kill him since he bought it. Wasn’t to willing to take the movie review of some website but from now on I trust what you review. Dear god I wish I could take back that time. At least I was sick when I watched so I can claim that as a reason and the high medication blanked most from memory, but like a well used public washroom no matter how much you clean it’s still gonna stink.

https://www.apple.com/trailers/mgm/jeepers_creepers_2/

Not sure if you weren’t already warned about this. Some should warn people. If not for the children, hell why for the children they don’t do much anyway. Except those overseas that make my swank shoes. I like them..as in as much as I can like my shoes.

Stunt the Runt

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go murder a security guard who seems to want to tow my car from the complex where I live because my fucking garage door opener is broken. If they arrest me, tell the monkeys that I’m at the Orange County Jail down in Santa Ana. Tell them to bring cookies.

…You can get Free Ice Cream at Baskin Robbins today. Granted, it’s not Ben & Jerry’s, but it’s still free ice cream.

Tink actually told me about yesterday’s event before it was posted, but since I was a little pissed over the event I decided not to post it. Here is some Ice Cream Math^tm for you kiddies. Nearest Ben & Jerry’s to my house is 30 miles away. That’s 60 miles round trip. My car gets 15 miles to the gallon on premium. That’s 4 gallons of gas for the trip. A ver conservative $2.00 / gallon makes the “free” ice cream cost at $8.00. $8.00 for “free” ice cream hardly seemed free. However, the closest Baskin Robbins is a mere 2 miles away, and I need to hit the grocery store tonight anyway… so free is free here. Enjoy.

This just in: 2 out of 3 spam messages are fraudulent. That’s right, Foxnews has gone in-depth with the FTC to bring us this startling discovery:

Those get-rich-quick schemes and offers for herbal Viagra crowding your e-mail inbox are not just an annoyance, they’re likely illegal as well, the U.S. Federal Trade Commission (search) said on Tuesday. [Story]

Since this is something that most of us have know since aproximately ’94, and it wasn’t even interesting then, I am not going to dwell on it. I do, however, want to dwell on this:

A full 96 percent of spam touting business or investment opportunities such as work-at-home offers was deemed to be fraudulent.

The following image is a 3k clip from the front fucking page of the Foxnews website:

If stupidity was contageous we’d all be fucked.

Hell, you don’t really need me to come out of hiding to say this, but seriously, who didn’t see it coming:

“I got caught up in my new lifestyle and got carried away with drugs and alcohol,” Osbourne told People magazine, which reported he entered Las Encinas Hospital in Pasadena on April 23. “Once I realized this, I voluntarily checked myself into a detox facility for my own health and well-being.” [Story]

Translation:

“The shows ratings will improve if I enter a detox facility, and like the whores that we are [ed note: I mean that in a good way], we will take the money with a smile.”

See, I don’t really think that Jack needs counseling, I think that Jack needs…wait, holy fuck, I just did a google search and there are actual fan sites dedicated to the butter boy:

HEY WHAT’S UP I’M NEW TO THE MESSAGE BOARD! I THINK ITZ AWESOME THAT SOMEONE MADE A MESSAGE BOARD ABOUT JACK O. HES THE GREATEST KID EVER I LOVE HIM! I ALWAYS AM LOOKING TO MEET NEW JACK O FANS SINCE THERE AREN’T SO MANY OF THEM!…SO IF U GUYS WANT TO IM ME @ AIM…MY SN IS ***! JACK ROCKS! PEACE OUT YO!

Wow. Anyway, as I was saying, screw rehab, all Jackie needs to do is switch to lite beer and trade his pot in for meth. That’s right Mofos, you heard it here first.

And Jack, we take paypal.

Yet again LP comes through with a kickass gallery with some not-safe-for-work content. Have a little taste of the UK Woman of the Year, Nicola Willoughby. (BTW, the gallery is misnamed. Solo, get on that!)

And in case you’re not into the pie, perhaps you’re into the a’la mode. Check the post right below this one, you damned commie.

[ Free Ice Cream Cone Day @ Ben & Jerrys ] – I reccommend the Phish Food or Coffee Heath Bar Crunch. If you need help beating the crowds, I reccommend the following:

• (1) 1 small girl, preferably disgustingly cute
• (1) 1 bag full of nickels

Take the girl and the bag to around the middle of the line. Have the girl drop the bag so that the nickels shoot out across the expanse of the line. When everyone kneels down to pick them up, start shoving. When you and the little girl are to the front of the line, have the little girl start crying her little eyes out. She will plead for her lost money, and every person with a soul will return the nickels, completely forgetting that you were not in front of them. Give the little girl a free ice cream cone for her troubles.

If there is another set of people using my instructions already, you can use the sack of nickels to bludgeon your way to the front of the line. Keep both ice cream cones, since the little girl was useless to you.

First of all, I now know that I must, repeat, must attend the E3 Expo this year. I know this thanks to our old friend Dom of the now deceased Brain-Damage, who pointed me towards the general direction of this little tidbit. As a recently strung out addict who is currently taking his fully formed Triforce towards Hyrule, I can safely say that anything which contains the touch of Miyamoto and the word Zelda attached to it will not find any trouble parting the folds of my wallet.

Second up on the gaming block is the only gaming show that I can receive at my house currently: Extended X-Play. Apparently, the head honchos at Tech TV think that they can fool me into watching their crappy show about games by revamping the graphics and adding a set of tits. Sorry fellas, but until you fix your main problem, I’m never going to enjoy your show. What is the main problem, you might ask?

See, the marketing geniuses at Tech TV might think that extending the show to like, five times a week or whatever it will be now will increase it’s viewer base. Not a bad idea. I will watch the show more often now, but I will still want to murder everyone involved. The only reason I watch it is because I am a filthy, filthy addict and I refuse to get treatment. It’s kind of like being proud that everyone is buying your shitty crack in a town where all other crack dealers mysteriously died. You didn’t get everyone hooked, and your product fucking sucks. But hey, the proof is in the pudding mom, the money’s in my hand, I must be doing something right. Wrong. The show is still terrible, I still want to claw my eyes out with a gardening rake each time I see that fucking blonde idiot onscreen, and I still really have to take a dump after each episode. I don’t know if my body is having a natural reaction to the show’s content, or if its just become accustomed to expelling all noxious chemicals at around midnight, but I can’t dispute the evidence.

You twits at Tech TV want to really grab my attention, especially once the G4 network finally comes to my area and eliminates my need for a real life completely? How about you have an entire episode devoted to slicing off little chunks of Adam Sessler and making him eat them? Then, you chuck the entire format of the show. I don’t want to watch 30 minutes of fucking reviews, I want to hear the news. 30 minutes of retarded opinions from your equally retarded writers is mind numbing. You have other shitty shows that are taped live, why not tape this one about two hours in advance, and include whatever keen news your Japanese-reading temps can decipher. Then, spend five minutes talking about swank Japanese games we’ll probably never get here. Then spend five minutes on reviews that don’t reek of half-assed attempts at comedy or that annoying “IN SPAAACE” bullshit that you fellas seem to like so much. The rest of the show can be that day’s news, reader mail and about 15 minutes per week devoted to toys/movies and other shit that is closely tied to gaming. Other than that, I can’t think of any other way to save your Titanic of a show.

Although I hate it, I don’t know what I’d do without it. My girlfriend subjects me to fucking Buffy every week, even though she knows it’s a pile of shit. If I didn’t have a pile of shit to call my own and devote 30 minutes of her time per week to, I would have no recourse whatsoever. And then I would have, in the words of the immortal George Costanza, no hand.

Jasek sent me a link to this AIM conversation which had me LMAO, so I decided to share it with the masses here. I hope that it’s at least 6 months old, for obvious reasons.

I looked at the parent site and she has a link up to an interesting dissertation about The Matrix Reloaded. Go read it now, I’m going to reply to each of his points by number.

1. I still can’t believe that anyone can blame a film on whacked out teenagers. When I was a whacked out teenager, I didn’t blame any of my illegalities on anyone or anything.

2. $300,000,000 divided by 1,000 is $1,000,000. I sure as fuck hope he’s not a math PhD. Why doesn’t he ask Billy Gates to cough up money? Those arguments about how money is spent got old decads ago.

3. He’s complaining that Aaliyah got cut from the cast. Alright, brainiac, news flash for you – Aaliyah got cut from the cast because she’s FUCKING DEAD! No really, I bet Warner Brothers tried to prop her corpse up in scenes to keep her in the movie.

4. If he knows how it ends, then that sort of implies he’s already seen it. If he’s already seen it, he’s a hypocrite.

5. Somehow I doubt they will block the release of part 3.

6. Neo is The One which means he can defy the laws of physics. This is an underlying theme of the movies, idiot.

7. If they can bring back Agent Smith, they can bring back Cipher.

8. I used to live in Los Angeles and I know people that live in New York. They’d blend in easily in either location.

9. Of course it popped back into place. When his name was called, he “let go” of the spoon and moved on. The spoon popping back into shape made sense even to me.

10. If the bug didn’t leave a gaping bloody hole going in his stomach, why should it leave a hole going out?

11. It wasn’t squirming or burrowing at that point. The lights on the thing went out, denoting that it had “died.”

12. Well, if it’s the wife’s medication that’s the issue here, then I’m sure that she will get a huge settlement over her husband’s unlawful death. I still cheered.

13. If they were disarmed, then the AGENTS could have possessed bodies and brought their guns with them. If they were deded, then Agents couldn’t come play.

14. See number 14.

15. Whatever.

16. I think he wanted to have a list of 50 things and couldn’t come up with an even 50 so he put random shit in like this.

17. Yeah, but blowing up buildings is cool!

18. I thought Rocky lost the fight in the first film?

19. I hate it when people don’t know a line to a film and then just make up what they thought they heard.

20. WTF does Morgan Freeman have to do with The Matrix?

21. If you stand up in a movie and shout random shit, the audience doesn’t like it much, even if the audience hates it as much as you do. I should know.

22. I’m getting sick of reading the list to think of comments, but I think you get the point by now.

P.S. [email protected] is what I’m using until Sharkey gets the mail server set up again.

I finally picked up a used copy of Episode II on DVD last week. I refused to pay more than 10 bucks for a somewhat-ass-flavored movie, so I had to wait until I stumbled across one for $9.99 after shipping. Watching the flick again sparked a discussion regarding our preconceived notions about how shitty Episode III will be. For some reason, I like to cling to every last shred of hope that someone is out there, trying to rescue the original George Lucas from the clutches of the evil shape shifting aliens (oh, bitter irony!) that kidnapped him all those years ago, or as I like to call it, the “Pre-Guido-Shoots-First-Era.” But unfortunately, I’m going to have to choke on some serious reality. We discussed all of the really cool ideas about surprise endings that I’ve heard about over the last two years, but when you boil it down to the essence, it’ll be another Lucas-shows-off-cgi-and-jerks-himself-off-with-unneccessary-coninuity-cameos. And I’d just like to thank Lucas personally for squashing my hopes now, before I let them drag on for a couple of years. Prepare yourself.

Reprising their classic roles from the original trilogy are actors Peter Mayhew, Anthony Daniels and Kenny Baker. They return to Star Wars as Chewbacca the Wookiee, C-3PO and R2-D2.

“I’m delighted to return as Chewbacca,” says Mayhew. “I think his re-appearance in this film is a fitting way to tie the whole saga together, especially for Wookiee fans.” Given that Chewbacca is a sprightly 200 years old in Episode IV, he is more than old enough to fit into the prequel timeline.

Oy. What a snap back to reality. He might as well have ended the film with a young boy picking a fight with lil’ Boba Fett over who gets to hold baby Leia, before his Mom says “Han, you get back here right now or I’ll take away your bike young man!” to which the boy will respond “Over my dead body.” Then a couple of Ewoks can inexplicably go running by, chased by a young black child who keeps yelling something about how they truly belong with him in the clouds. God, Lucas should hire me to think up his masturbatory self-references. I’m far more efficient. Maybe lil’ Han should call his Mom “Your Worhsipfullness.” Then it’ll be like the entire reason I loved the original trilogy will be sufficiently shat upon, and we can all go home.

Who is she? I don’t know. What does she do? Besides looking hot, you’ve got me. But she makes today’s gallery not only smokin’ hot, but completely unsafe for work. But uh… since it’s 9PM, I guess that wouldn’t really matter, so enjoy the boobies of Froukje De Both (another gallery kindly submitted by LP)

Did I mention that the above pic is like, one of the cleanest ones in that gallery? The fact that you’re reading this just goes to show how gay you really are. Or female. Either way, you’re not my target demographic, but I’m sure you’d find me incredibly sexy. Sorry sweet cheeks, it’d never work. I’d only break your heart and steal your ATM card.