BAMF

What did I tell you damned Canucks? Didn’t I warn you to keep your heads down and your noses clean? Now look at the fucking mess you’re about to cause.

Ganked From IMDB
Expected low ratings for a possible all-Canada Stanley Cup could prove to be a disaster for professional hockey, the Toronto Star observed today (Wednesday). Noting that the playoffs have been attracting audiences only slightly better than arena football in the U.S., the newspaper observed that if Vancouver and Ottawa wind up as the final contenders, the NHL championship “could challenge the late, unlamented XFL as the lowest-rated primetime sports broadcast ever.” It further noted that ABC’s $600-million deal with the NHL comes up for renewal next year and that such a ratings result could put the renewal in peril.

Ah, I’m just kidding. The Ducks will mop the floor with the competition anyway. How do I know? They have a secret ace in the hole: Emilio Estevez is back to coach the little rascals in their toughest challenge yet. Just look at the impressive impressiveness of his impressive resume. Since he led the Ducks to victory in the first movie, he’s gone on to lead Hollywood to victory, with such films as Judgement Night and Another Stakeout. Flying V? Bah. With the most talented thing to ever dribble it’s way out of Martin Sheen’s wang in our corner, we’re fucking indestructible.

Alright. So obviously I know exactly dick about hockey this season. But at least I’m not Emelio Estevez. I get down on my knees and give thanks for that small miracle every day.

A lotta fucking slices are coming soon. So keep your pants on. Or off, depending on how you choose to enjoy the slices, you sick bastard.

Busy day. A guy I was doing a favor for brought me in towards the end of a project (really light work) and asked me for help in getting this software to communicate with a database. My first reaction is that he shouldn’t have paid 400 bucks for the educational version of shitty software that does the same thing as ASP/PHP/any other web language. I make sure to let him know that for about 3 hours of paid time, I can whip the whole thing up in any language he wants. Since he’s already paying me for a couple hours of support at this point, it kind of makes sense. He says, “I’ve spent all this time/money on this software, I’m sticking with it.” Fair enough. He pays me to whip up a registration form (which this software was supposed to handle originally) and I’m done.

Fast forward a couple of weeks when I finally have the time to talk to him again. He’s now realized that the educational version of the software leaves a little box stating that no content is allowed for commercial use with this software. So let’s weigh the options:

1. Buy the full release version ($2000)
2. Pay Sharkey for 3 hours of work (considerably less than $2000)

So naturally he goes with option A, because it makes little/no sense. He backs this up with the stance of “The profits from this projects will barely cover it, and I’ll have the software forever and then I can get training on it.” My warning that the software is about $2000 worth of shit goes unheeded.

Fast forward yet again to today, 24 hours before deadline. Emergency mode in place, guy asks for another favor. Take a look at the software, find out why it won’t connect to the database. Fine. After 45 minutes of tinkering, I get the feeling that this piece of shit software, while web accessible, does not have the ability to execute a client-to-server ODBC call. I am immediately proven correct. For some fucking reason, the package can only access ODBC on a local machine, not a server. But it’s being served by a server, right? Anyway, my assessment of the software as “shit” is also proven correct. So after 4 hours of trying to get the thing to post variables to a homegrown ASP script to update the database (seems a bit fucking unneccessary, right?) the guy throws his hands up in disgust. Asks me if the option to redo the project in three hours is still available. Sure, I respond. Luckily, they had the opportunity to return the $2000 pile of shit. But let’s review what happened here. I got called in to do a couple hours of work initially. I got called in for five hours of support. Now I’m doing the whole thing over in three hours. That’s 10 hours of work, when all the guy had to do was say “yes” to the original 3 and save himself three fucking weeks of headache.

I’d say “I told you so”, but that would be perverse, considering all of the money I’m getting for this.

While I do enjoy Spiffie’s comic from time to time, I must say (through observation of the other webcomics in that link) that a lot of his contemporaries suck serious fucking ass. For example, this one, which is pretty much scraping the bottom of the barrel. Like 33% of the other links in there, its another piece of shit consisting of a bunch of sprite images that they yanked from their favorite old 8-bit title that they weren’t old enough to play when it came out, coupled with lackluster attempts at humor and slapped onto a Geoshitties or Tripod page.

It’s actually a lot of fun to just go through the list of links and see what kind of shit people have wasted their time accomplishing. If anyone can go through this list and find one worse than the aforementioned garbage, you get a cookie.

*EDIT* More observations here. Spiff, it has occurred to me that you are missing some obligatory things that make your webcomic an official “webcomic” webcomic. See, these things, or the lack thereof, cheapen and degrade your site. Sort of like a camwhore site, where the chick doesnt put up one of those Amazon pages where fat perverts who will never come within 100 miles of her can buy her a DVD in hopes that she might remove her top one of these days. Let me list these as I observe:

1. Paypal link. You’re not a webcomic until your painfully destitute existence is made poignantly clear. You’re a fucking artist, man. Suffer.
2. Monthly donation gift that nobody wants. Sort of like the Penny Arcade Club, only not one single person will cough up the dough.
3. Obligatory crossovers. Sucking off some of the big boys by putting their characters in your strip will solidify your desperation in the hearts and minds of your fans, which you won’t have until one of the big boys feels that their wang has been sufficiently digitally mouthified. I suggest the Deisel Sweeties guy, he seems to get more crossover-oral than anyone.
4. An “Advertise Here” button, and accompanying pathetic “Advertise Here” banner to show that you have the space, ability, and complete lack of readership that advertisers are actively searching for.

That’s about all I can think of at the moment. Anyone else care to comment?

One of our 4um kiddies has his own web comic called Psychic Headache and he has it listed on some Top 50 website or some such crap.

GO VOTE FOR HIM NOW

I dunno if you’ve heard of this sequel called X-Men 2, but in case you haven’t, maybe you’d like to check it out. This low-budget artsy sort of independent flick carries the Sharkey Seal Of Approval. Especially the parts where Anna Paquin wears tight fitting things.

Also, Identity, although predictible like an 18-year-old girl dating a 97-year-old billionaire, is not quite unsatisfactory. Matter of fact, it’s a bit refreshing to see the Cusack in a role that doesn’t involve him pouring over loves past and present. That kind of flick comes along about as often as a family-friendly Madonnna video. And since she’s pushing her way half past a century, that thought makes even drunk Sharkey cringe. And trust me from experience, drunk Sharkey is a beer-goggle-wearing tramp.

Shit man, I thought I had a bad night. [ Linky ] (belated thanks to Irish)

Ralston was climbing Saturday in Blue John Canyon, adjacent to Canyonlands National Park in far southeastern Utah, when a 200-pound boulder fell on him, pinning his right arm, authorities said.

Using his pocketknife, he amputated his arm below the elbow and applied a tourniquet and administered first aid.

He then rigged anchors, fixed a rope and rappelled to the canyon floor.

Let me reiterate here. The fucker amputated his own arm, applied a touniquet, then rappelled down a fucking canyon. Most people, when told that their arm might have to be amputated, would cry like a schoolgirl with a black eye and then wet themselves. Let alone grab a knife and start hackin’. Shit, if the average person had to wait more than five minutes for a nurse to bring ’em some aspirin they’d raise a stink and start bitching about HMOs.

Kudos to you, one armed guy. Here’s hoping you get a book deal.

I’m going to ignore the earlier stupidity (see the last post, then the post before it, then the comments of the last post, then laugh) and go right to a different source of stupidity.

ALBANY, Ga. – A year after holding their first integrated prom, some students at Taylor County High School have decided to again hold a separate, private party for whites only.

Juniors are in charge of planning the prom each year and last year they decided to have just one dance the first integrated prom in 31 years in the rural Georgia county 150 miles south of Atlanta.

Until then, parents and students organized separate proms for whites and blacks after school officials stopped sponsoring dances, in part because they wanted to avoid problems arising from interracial dating.

For those of you whose mouths are agape in shock, lemme clue you in on a little secret: in the deep south, they ain’t too fond o’ the nigras. Seriously, it’s like driving through an episode of Roots on some streets in Georgia/Alabama. Further proof that the Malthion X Solution is a necessity.

Amy…Seven. Amy…Good…Gorilla.

Amy…Like…Bananas.