A lot of litigation today is just utter fucking nonsense. Why can’t these rich bastards just settle their differences the old fashioned way? You don’t see the Kiss Army suing Bruce Lee for whupping their asses, or Ace and Gene bringing a suit against Afro Sheen. *hey look, it’s a joke you probably won’t get!* Anyway, here’s the latest news on big-time lawsuit happy idiocy. And who better to lead the assault than a creature of pure evil, Babs.
But then along came Kenneth and Gabrielle Adelman, two average multimillionaires who spend much of their time flying up and down the California coast in their helicopter, photographing the coastline to make sure that no one is doing anything naughty such as chopping down a few trees on top of a cliff to improve the view that might speed along the natural process of erosion.
Since Barbra lives in a mansion on a bluff overlooking the Pacific in the celebrity-choked town of Malibu, the back of her house with its kidney-shaped pool turned up in one of the Adelmans thousands of photos.
So, she filed a lawsuit, reportedly seeking $10 million in damages and asking the Adelmans to remove the image of her estate from their collection.
Want to see the image that pissed her off so bad? Enjoy. Kind of anticlimatic, but every click just pisses Babs off more. You kind of have to wonder, if a picture is worth a thousand words, and that picture is worth 10 million in cash to Babs, that must mean that each one of her words is worth 10 grand. Personally, I’d like to cut off her benefactor, just to keep that fat yap of hers from exuding any more hot air my way.
Next up on the idiotic litigation block is McDonalds, who have filed a suit against an Italian food critic for giving their “restaurants” an unfavorable review. Doesn’t sound like food, folks, & fun to me.
The corporation has sued Edoardo Raspelli, a critic and commentator for the Italian newspaper La Stampa, after he compared its burgers to rubber and its fries to cardboard, in an article last year. McDonald’s is seeking undisclosed damages, possibly as much as the 21m euros (15m; $25m) it spent on advertising in Italy last year.
I don’t think McDonald’s has any room to sue anybody. Personally, I think the person with the most room to sue in regards to McDonaldland is Grimace. That motherfucker is a cartoonish representation of a milkshake, for Chris’sakes. They come to some cartoonist and say “Hey, we need a milkshake mascot”, so he draws up a big fat purple piece of shit, the McDonald’s execs snort a few more lines of coke and decide that it’s brilliant. Ooh, and “grimace” is a funny word, isn’t it Earl? Jesus, your face is melting. Hey, HEY! Let’s call him Grimace, Earl. GRIMMMM… ESSS! Sounds pretty funny huh? Let’s go put on the Ronald McDonald and Mayor McCheese outfits and touch the children, eh buddy?
*Sound of floppy footsteps out of the boardroom*
*faintly* GRIMMM… ESSS!
Fantagraphics – We need to sell $80k
by Jacko on May 30, 2003 @ 4:47 pm
I was informed that the independent comic house Fantagraphics is at risk of bankruptcy, so they are asking that anyone interested in what they do to head on over and pick some shit up (calling or buying directly from the website is most beneficial). Now I’m not much of a comic fan, but I know some of you are, and some of the goods they have for sale look pretty interesting. I’ll be picking up Jimmy Corrigan right after I click submit.
Our former and now bankrupt book trade distributor went out of business owing us over $70,000 — which we will never see. (To add insult to injury, we learned that the owner is selling copies of our books that he should’ve returned on e-bay!) This unexpected shortfall necessitated taking out a couple loans which have now come due. In late 2001, our line was picked up by the W.W. NORTON COMPANY, who took over our bookstore distribution, and has done a magnificent job of providing us unprecedented access to the bookstore market. Inexperience with the book trade resulted in our erring on the side of overprinting our books too heavily throughout 2002, so that our anticipated profit is in fact sitting in our warehouse in the form of books. Loans must be paid in cash, not books. The only way to get out of this hole we’ve dug ourselves into is to sell those books. Which is where, we hope, you come in.
Head on over and see if there is something you might like. https://www.fantagraphics.com/
Movie Review: Bruce Almighty
by Sharkey on @ 12:47 am
Perrytheass makes his triumphant…ish return in this review of Bruce Almighty. By the way, the chick he refers to as “10 times hotter than Jennifer Aniston is the magically delicious Catherine Bell. And while I wouldn’t go so far as to say that she is 10 times hotter, I certainly wouldn’t mind being the meat in a “them” sammitch.
Movie Review: Bruce Almighty
by perrytheass on May 29, 2003 @ 11:46 pm
Well, I saw this movie mainly because I needed to do a review of it for Hungarian television (don’t ask), and I guess it was mediocre. I work at the movie theatre, so I got in for free, thus, “no sweat off my sack if it sucks,” I thought. So the little lady and my best friend Joe and I slip past the podium usher, and go into a very hot, very smelly theatre. Apparently some little dumbshits had broken a stinkbomb in there at the previous show, so the stupid ushers decide it would smell a lot better if they drenched the place in “Odor Destroyer” (that shit they use to cover up the smell of barf at amusement parks, etc.).
Anyways, the main premise of the movie is that Bruce Noland (Carrey) is a wacky special features reporter on the news, adding stories such as “Buffalo’s Biggest Cookie” to his repitoire at the news station. He is very unlucky: He is late to work, his dog pisses on his furniture, he doesn’t get the anchor job he wanted, he gets his ass kicked by Mexicans, etc. He blames god (Freeman) for all of this, despite the fact that god has blessed him with a hot ass, live-in girlfriend with big tits, named Grace (Aniston). Bruce is confronted by god because Bruce uses him as a scapegoat so often. God dares Bruce to do a better job with the powers of the Almighty while he is “away on vacation” (wtf?). The film is mainly Bruce using his powers to look up girls skirts, kick the crap out of Mexicans, make Jennifer Aniston orgasm, and so on. Finally, after being power hungry, and so selfish and blind that Grace leaves him, Bruce decides to start helping people, and finally makes his peace with god. Then at the end there’s a bunch of mushy crap to which I didn’t pay too much attention, on account of I had an ultra painful, vomit-inducing migraine.
The Good
I suppose I’ve always liked the average Jim Carrey movie, so I didn’t really have too many problems with it. It was just Carrey being an ass, which for me is usually pretty funny. Oh shit, I forgot to mention one of the best parts: Steve Correl is in it, and he’s fucking hilarious. It’s all in all funny movie. Also, Jennifer Aniston.
The Bad
Morgan Freeman is again typecast as the wise, experienced old guy. I’m starting to really hate this, a lot. I mean, no doubt, he plays the part well, but does he have to be the same fucking guy in every movie he’s in? Expand your horizons Morgan, you’re a good actor. Use that. Also, the ending, as previously noted, is mushy and serious, and it seems to be the general concensus of all the reviews of the movie I have read thus far that this is a bad thing (mainly because it is inconsistent).
The Lowdown
Go see this movie: If you don’t hate Jim Carrey, if you liked Liar Liar, if $6.50 isn’t going to make or break you.
Don’t see this movie: If it’s your last $6.50. Go put it in a strippers G-String, you’re not going to miss too much.
Also, I would just like to add…although I’ve talked about Jennifer Aniston a lot in this article, the co-anchor of Bruce’s news show in the movie is like 10 times hotter. And, it’s good to be back. How have you all been?
Slice Of The Day: Charlize Theron
by Sharkey on @ 10:51 pm
Slice of the day, with seven minutes to spare. Here’s a little Charlize Theron for your bordering-on-not-safe-for-work eyes.
Is Charlize hot? Yes. Are you fellas going to see her in The Italian Job even though it’s just going to be a pale shadow of the original? Yes. Are you going to give a shit about the story once this body comes onscreen? Probably not.
Equilibrium Review
by Sharkey on @ 12:56 am
Go ahead and check it out if you’re interested. Otherwise, I can sum up all of the strangely-fierce word of mouth press that this flick is getting: overrated. But that doesn’t mean it’s a bad movie. Want more info? Read the review.
DVD Review: Equilibrium
by Sharkey on @ 12:53 am
After urging from numerous sources, the little woman and I decided to buckle down and rent this Christian Bale/Taye Diggs joint, Equilibrium. Actually, it was her idea. I was all for renting something that didn’t make me laugh at the screen during it’s own trailer over a year ago, but sometimes the wimmens can have an overpowering effect. I call this the “You made me watch Star Wars Episode II three fucking times to make sure that it sucked so let me rent what I want or it’s no nookie for you” effect. It’s a dirty card to play ladies, use it wisely.
Anyway, on to the flick itself. Literary “borrowing” nontwithstanding, the movie wasn’t all that bad. At least not until you get to the end, and we’ll get to that in a bit. Let’s paint the picture here. We’re in a post-apocalyptic future, not too far from the present day. Human emotion has become outlawed in an attempt to eliminate war, murder, suffering, basically anything caused by Pauly Shore films. Enter Christian Bale as John Preston. He is the elite head honcho of a police regime called the Clerics, and they are humanity’s last defense against human emotions. Fairly quickly into the flick, he has to ace his fellow Cleric played by Sean Bean, because he begins to show signs of feelings. After this, we learn that Preston’s wife was killed four years previous because she too had violated the anti-feeling laws. This does seem to have a slightly visible effect on Preston, but he continues on in his duties.
However, not everything can retain it’s Brady-bunchiness, and Bale’s character soon learns that feeling is better than his drab drug-fueled existence, even if it does mean emotionless sex and being the hardest-ass-motherfucker on the planet. So he sets out on a quest to save puppies, and eventually, humanity. Sounds like fun, right?
The Good
Alright, the action was fucking sweet. Even in a post-Matrix world, this film still comes up with some remarkably unique fight scenes. And the beauty of the film comes in the exploitation of Christian Bale’s number one ticket to success: his complete inability to show some real fucking emotion in his acting. Tarantino should take a few notes here when he casts himself in his next flick. Play an unemotional robot who was programmed to act like a first year drama student Quentin, you’ll be revered for it.
The Bad
I heard a lot of reviewers comparing this film to Fahrenheit 451 and 1984 before I saw it, so immediately I knew that there would be a post-apocalyptic backdrop and humans being manipulated by a higher power. The problem is that while it aspires to follow in the footsteps of these great books, (which, unlike most of the clueless reviewers, I have actually read) it falls completely short in terms of plot. Thankfully it never claims to touch their level of quality, although I could not ignore that the entire story seemed too derivative. The action itself is great, but you get only a slight glimpse into the reasons why Bale’s character would forsake his (in perspective) great fucking life for the fate of an outlaw, which means complete and utter burnination.
Yes, the end scene is great in terms of action, but only for about three minutes. What the fuck happened to Taye Diggs? Did we run out of budget? I get the idea that Bale is much better than him, but the fight lasts all of three fucking seconds. And after that, it’s only about a minute until the resistance takes over and we can only imagine that everyone goes back to feeling emotions again. We guess, because they don’t show us a thing. No consequences, no foreshadowing, just Christian Bale standing triumphant over the huge evil power which now seems sort of silly in retrospect. Kind of like the limits of their tyrannical grip on humanity only reached as far as the operating budget of the film, which ran out about three minutes from the credits.
The Lowdown
Rent this movie: if you’re a sci-fi fan with a taste for post-apocalyptic mayhem.
Don’t rent this movie: if you love doggies. Fucking pricks, the dogs did nothing to you!
Strapping Young Asshat seeking Greasy Little Fucktard
by Wrongforum on May 28, 2003 @ 9:51 pm
I live in a small enough town that our newspaper doesn’t have personals. However, if you travel a couple hours by horseback to a town or two over, you get a chance to read some great redneck reality drama played out in agate. The problem with hillbilly personals is that they’re pretty basic; you know, swingers, swingers, cousins, swingers. Dammit, where’s the really desperate psycho shit? The stuff that makes you double check your deadbolts at night? You’ve already guessed the punchline: right here.
If One More Woman Tells Me I’m Funny I Will Die
Im so funny im starting to bore myself, “Your so funny”, I get that ALL the time, actually im so fucking funny im starting to bore the tits of myself. I long for, your a great kisser, or jesus your hung like a donkey, or I love your sexy blue eyes, or even god forbid “I LOVE YOU” Im going to stop being funny for a while and just be serious, I am without a girlfriend and I WANT ONE. Please don’t be bi sexual, please don’t be a bitch, please don’t two time me, and please ( for the love of god! 🙂 don’t be the corporte careeer gestapo ice crotch type with no time for me. Never been told im ugly so thats good, straight laced guy, with a naughty but nice persoanality, im going thru a horney and lonely period in my life ( now that was tooooooooo fricken honest, start lieing god damm it), but i won’t settle with just anyone, i have some standards. this ad sucks. im at work, its sunny outside, and i am writing pure dribble. jesus, i wish i had a girlfriend….
[shudder]… I better check my locks just one more time.
Everquest Guild
by Orion on @ 9:46 pm
I’m in the best guild ever. I mean it.
____ tells the guild, ‘easy chicks ride the short bus’
Our server pretty much sucks, but damn we have a lot of fun.
Slice Of The Day: Famke Janssen
by Sharkey on @ 1:28 pm
Have you gone out and seen X-2 like a good little nerd? Damn straight you have. Did you think the ladies were smokin’ hot? Damn straight you did. Are you going to thank LP for our new gallery of Famke Janssen? Damn straight you… probably won’t. You’ll more than likely have your hands full.
Sweet Jesus in a birchbark canoe, take a look at this place. It’s like a ghost town, only with more boobs. Unfortunately, my clients do not have any sympathy for your lack of entertainment. Perhaps after payment is completed, I’ll give you their addresses and you can take the matter up with them personally.