I am completely and utterly devoid of any creative ability. Not just now, but always.
So I’ll just have to rip off someone else’s clever bleatings. Clever bleatings which were in turn ripped off from a forum. And then ripped off by Fark. And what’s more, I’ll rip it off second-hand from Fark!
300+ proofs of God to warm an atheist’s heart.
ARGUMENT FROM INSANITY
(1) No sane person could have thought up Christianity
(2) Therefore, it must be true
(3) Therefore, God exists
You all can bitch at Sharkey for leaving so much blank space in the quote box. And he will go and kill some of the monkeys at their keyboards for failing to pound out Shakespeare-worthy CSS HTML formatting.
Sometimes investing in headline stock at Fark pays comedy gold dividends.
So fuck you all.
A Winnar Is Not Yet Me
by Sharkey on @ 2:38 pm
Well, after winning that court case two weeks ago I kind of felt it inevitable that they would appeal the decision. My former employer is the kind of ass who would gladly pay to delay the process of me getting my hands on any of his money. Everyone I knew told me that there’s no possible way. Nobody would want to incur the fees, lawyers or otherwise, that appealing a decision like this would bring. Besides, they’ve got important shit to do. What owner of a multi-million dollar company would want to waste his time endlessly battling in court just to save himself a little money?
I’ve got the answer for you: he would. I just got the notice of appeal in my mailbox. Now I’ve got two options: let my sort-of-crummy legal representation help me out, or file for free attorney representation by the Labor Commissioner. I’m thinking that the latter will be a better idea. Anyone have any advice?
Hey! Lets talk about the piece of human garbage that gave birth on a Boston train.
by Tzeen on @ 9:45 am
Here is the link to the Boston Globe Article
In case you don’t want to read the whole article, I’ll clip the parts that win at “teH funneY”
About 90 seconds later, Chin said, “I saw a head, then full baby fall out from her skirt, hit the floor sideways and slide the length of the doorway, stopping when he bumped up against the next row of seats. Still she stared out the window. Either she didn’t know it happened or didn’t want to acknowledge it.”
I’m glad that the eyewitness specifies that he saw “a full baby” because it somehow would have been less shocking if she gave birth to just a leg or something.
After leaving the train and heading for the stairs up to the station’s main lobby, witnesses said, the placenta fell to the platform. Judge turned around, grabbed the afterbirth, put it in her shoulder bag, and headed upstairs.
If I were her, I would have taken advantage of this unique turn of events to give the afterbirth to a homeless man and say “here man, go have yourself a good meal. You might want to rinse it off though because it fell on the ground. Sorry bout that.
MBTA police intercepted her and took the baby boy, who was breathing and kicking but not crying. As two officers examined the baby in the front seat of a police SUV
The kid was not crying? Horace Q. Christ, this kid is going to be a tough motherfucker someday. After a short fall out of his mother’s “human garbage chute” this kid rolled around on a noisy, dirty train before being scooped up, carried away, and subsequently seized by police. I mean shit, sometimes just smelling the inside of one of those public trains makes me want to cry. I wash my hands when I get home after riding the train. This kid rolled around in a puddle of afterbirth mixed with floor dirt. Yep, this kid is a tough little mofo. Someday I’ll bet he’s the one who gets all his friends to switch to needle drugs.
The kid was born on the Red line train so I think it’s reasonable to name it “Red” or perhaps “Bubba” because it sounds alot like the sound he made when he hit the floor.
The woman works for the Boston Public school cafeteria system so one might assume that…well uhhhh maybe I shouldn’t analyze that angle. After all, its almost lunchtime.
That’s just gotta be jelly cuz jam just don’t shake like that
by Norstrin on July 30, 2003 @ 4:36 pm
We all thought Fox had the market cornered on shittacular reality television (and reality reporting for that matter). But we were wrong.
NBC is currently airing a new reality series about marriage. Only not about married couples, but people wanting to get married. They call it “Race to the Altar.” Joy.
Now, you might think this is about how quickly you can knock up your girlfriend to have a shotgun wedding. I certainly did. But I guess that’s reserved for ShowTime’s fall lineup. It will replace “Family Business.”
No, this is about something entirely different. Road Rules meets marriage, or something like that.
NBC pushes romance to the breaking point with this reality series featuring eight engaged couples competing through elaborate physical competitions and smaller non-physical games that force them to work together as a team. Host Lisa Dergan puts love through the ringer as she forces these hopeful brides and grooms to face their fears and test their knowledge of their potential spouse – with one couple voted off in the end.
Now, I actually watched some of this tripe. Ordinarily I wouldn’t, but yet again I am putting off writing a paper. In fact, I’m putting off writing 3 papers. One of 250 words (piece of cake, 10 minutes start to finish). One of 1,000 words (a pain in the ass). One of 3,000 words (a royal pain in the ass), but at least it’s based off the other paper you already know about. All of that is besides the point. The point is that I actually spent 2 minutes of my life watching that network boobtube vomitus on my television.
The first contest? They suspended the 8 couples 100 feet above a hotel pool and had them hug each other in an endurance contest. Now, what does this have to do with marriage?
I have no fucking clue.
The worst part is that they were supsended using the wire-fu setup, but they didn’t jostle them around at all. And when they let go, they just swung apart. No 100 foot plunge into a pool. Where’s the razzle-dazzle splish-splash?
At least they had some stereotypical minority representatives. “Baby, don’t you dare let me go. Hold on tighter you son of a AAAaaaaghhhh!”
Well, maybe the test did actually prepare them for married life. You just know that the first couple to let go will have a cold bed tonight. Frigid, even. The first of many frosty marital mattresses.
Buckets Of Fun For Everyone
by Sharkey on @ 4:21 pm
Go to humorandthings.com, go to the videos section, and watch the crash and bad nanny videos. Comedy.
Well, comedy in a tragic sort of way. But that’s the way you like it, you sick bastards.
Slice Of The Day: Jessica Biel
by Sharkey on July 29, 2003 @ 4:32 pm
Your slice for today is the delicious Jessica Biel, who has really dropped off the radar recently. She’s doing some remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which, if you’ve seen the 1994 sequel, you know to be a terrible idea. Although both Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger enjoyed success after that mostrocity of a film, so maybe she’s on to something. Either way, she’s hot. Enjoy.
How is it that there are new pics of her floating around, but she’s not doing any notable films, or starring on any TV shows? Not that I’m complaining, we could use some more of her. But she should really get some other actresses on the bandwagon. I haven’t seen any new natalie portman pics in a long-ass time. You think it was the nude beach thing?
Portable Playstation Info
by Sharkey on @ 2:10 pm
[ Kids Are Going To Have To Sell A Lot Of Crack To Afford This ]
Fuck L.A.
by Sharkey on @ 1:41 pm
I hate going up to L.A. for any business related ventures. It’s never fun, never interesting, and always an excruciating drive. And today, I had to make the magical journey to East L.A., which is twice as bad. To get there you have to go through Downey, which has always kind of rubbed me the wrong way. I dunno, there’s something disturbing to me about a town who’s monicker would have been a fitting nickname for Corky from Life Goes On.
So on the return trip, I had just entered the fast lane on the 5 freeway when traffic predictably got bad. When I slowed down to match everyone’s 10mph pace, I noticed a red blur in my rear view mirror heading unsettlingly quickly towards me. I knew he was going to hit me, even when he slammed on his brakes. The bump seemed pretty fucking hard, especially since I could feel it in my neck (never a good sign), although when we got out to inspect the damage, we found that there was none. Not on either car. But since I’m not one to take chances (especially if my neck doesn’t get any better) I asked this little Asian fellow who so disturbed my day for his insurance information. This is the reply I received over the roar of traffic:
“No. No English.”
Great. So now I’m blocking fucking traffic with a guy who can’t comprehend the word “insurance”. So he heads back into his car, and returns with a cell phone, which he promptly hands to me. I get in my car so that I can hear, and the Asian girl on the other line fumbles her way through telling me that her friend speaks no English, so I should tell her whatever I want to say to him. I ask her for his insurance information, and hand the phone back to him. Just then, two highway patrolmen pull up and tell us that we’re going to need to move to the shoulder if there’s no damage. And right as the cop is talking to me, the Asian fellow gets off the phone, reaches into his pocket, and tries to fucking bribe me. With a hundred dollar bill, no less. I quickly shoo him away, and make hand signs to indicate that we need to move quickly.
After that bribing incident, the cop decided to stick around to see if anything else of interest might happen, thus screwing my chances of getting the hundred bucks. But the Asian guy was very reluctant to give me his information. He called another friend of his to explain to me that his insurance information was at home. I settled on his drivers license, license plate, VIN number, cell phone number, and anything else I could get my hands on. If I wind up with whiplash, I’m certainly not going to be paying for it with his paltry C-note.
So that was my day so far. Think Larry H. Parker will fight for me? (Does anyone outside of California get that one?)
CFFA – Cartoons For Fucking Adults
by Dewey on July 28, 2003 @ 1:19 pm
Wow second post already. And guess what, it’s about cartoons again. For those of you who love Adult Swim but want some variety, you should check out TNN. First we have Ren and Stimpy’s Adult Party. Which is funnier, grosser, and more disgusting then the first one. Gary the Rat, voiced by Kelsey Grammar, who plays a lawyer that got turned into a rat. And last but certainly not least, Stripperella, which stars Pamela Anderson as a stripper/crime fighter. Not only is it funny, but it was created by Stan-the-fucking-man-Lee. Grab yourself a six pack or a bong, whichever your drug of preference is and enjoy some pretty funny and original cartoons.
And what’s the deal with airline peanuts?
by Dewey on @ 12:46 pm
As some of you may have already heard, Futurama was recently canceled. Fox, congratulations you’ve ruined another good show. So as my first rant to you, my faithful readers (All twelve of you who still remember this site has more then just a forum) I present my top five reasons Fox sucks.
5) The Michael Jackson special, stop giving him money.
4) Boston Public, it really fucking sucks. Why is it still on?
3) American Juniors, what in the fuck is this, why are they showing commercials for it non-stop and why did they give Debbie Gibson a job?
2) They constantly change the airtime of good shows so that even faithful viewers have trouble figuring out when there show is on. Otherwise they just pull the same shit they did to “Family Guy” and yank it without warning then drop it in as a mid-season replacement six months later again without telling anyone. Then they wonder why no one is watching as they spend more advertising on “Joe Millionaire.”
1) They’re the reason Geraldo Riveria still has a job. That is a hell worthy offense in and of itself.
I hope Rupert Murdoch gets beaten, tied up and dropped in some remote part of the Australian outback to get fucked by aborigines, and I hope they don’t give the courtesy of a reach around because he doesn’t deserve it. Now if you excuse me I’m going to go watch skanks fuck so they can stay on an island for another week.